Slovenia: Ana Soklič – “Amen”

I think Ana was the 2020 entrant as well, and got to compete again for 2021 with a different song. This one is a gospel-inspired ballad about how the brutality of life makes you who you are. She looks like Andrea Anders, most notably to me of "Better Off Ted," and I MUCH prefer imagining an episode where Phil and Lem enter Eurovision.

She had a whole choir on her backing track the floor exploded with lights and she had a half cape. But did she rig herself to a harness and fly around like an angel while she was wailing "Amen"? NO. NO FLYING. NOTHING. Just singing. Zero stars. NO FINAL FOR YOU.

Australia: Montaigne – “Technicolour”

This is the first year in Australia's short Eurovision history that they didn't make the final. Montaigne -- also the 2020 contender; they all had to use new songs for 2021 -- couldn't fly in to Amsterdam so she performed via satellite, and I feel for her -- I wonder how much of that contributed to her loss. She looked crushed. But let's be real: Her song was terrible and her dancing was herky-jerky, and the visual effects were intentionally blurry. It was a far cry from the wacky elegance of Lady on a Stick.

Lyrics, other than the word "technicolor" over and over: "Everything is frustrating // Everything moves along faster than I can relate to // But we got grace, yeah // We got style and lasers, yeah // Time to take off your cloaks." This sounded like "Time to take off your clothes" and the randomness of that was very distracting. I AM frustrated. I do NOT want to deal with it by taking off my clothes OR particularly my cloak.

North Macedonia: Vasil – “Here I Stand”

Vasil is another repeat performer from 2020. Did EVERYONE skip out on picking a new artist? I hope so, because I feel for all those people who were so excited. It's bad enough to have to find a whole new song. Anyway, he wore a half-cape and belted a ballad directed at a child, about how -- essentially -- people try to break you but it makes you stronger. It sounded like the end of a Broadway show. Then he did some stuff with CGI glitter.

"Should I make myself explode? Should I? I SHOULD."

KABOOM. Listen, this really did feel like microwaved Andrew Lloyd Webber, but if a dude who rips open his jacket and becomes a BEAM OF LIGHT does not get through, THEN WHAT DID? TIME WILL TELL. (My eyes and ears also could have told, but I want to be surprised.)

Ireland: Lesley Roy – “Maps”

This was a hot mess. The song might have been catchy but she did NOT sound good. Her shtick was making it look like she was wandering around in a forest and interacting with various things, and part of that involved...

... running in place while stuff on the sides of the picture flipped or moved. No wonder she couldn't get her breath right.

And then she finished it by running around the stage barefoot, with the equipment sitting hideously on stage behind her in a big lump. Not at all inspiring. Sorry, Lesley.

Croatia: Albina – “Tick-Tock”

This sweet child. It looked and sounded like a parody of someone on The Hills entering a singing contest -- get ready for when Heidi Montag represents California in the U.S. states version of Eurovision, and yes, someone IS developing that. It was a lyrically weak dance bop and she's from the Dua Lipa School of Severely Limited Choreography...

... so she mostly relied on the dudes with her to do things and wriggle with her. The part where they picked her up was basically the only time the audience roared. She also was flat on her high notes. It wasn't her night. Dua Lipa herself might have been able to pull it off.

You know the performance was not good when a cheeky finish does not get you through.

Romania: Roxen – “Amnesia”

What to say about this. It was a boring song, she shout-sang it, and the routine was muddy and messy and boring and mostly her running away from creepy people. She will WISH she had amnesia.

Is "picking up the singer" the new fire cannon? I hope not.

I mean. I wish I had amnesia now.

Here's Who *Didn't* Make The Eurovision Grand Final

Part 1.