UK: Look Mum No Computer

He runs a museum in Kent called "This Museum Is (Not) Obsolete" that's basically an ode to older and experimental tech. I hope he also eventually sells those furry box hats.

Switzerland: Veronica Fusaro

Her song is apparently a new version of one that had already appeared on an album, which I did not know was allowed? It's about "physical and psychological violence and abuse, as well as erosion of personal boundaries," which may explain some of the messaging on her outfit.

Germany: Sarah Engels

Her song is called "Fire," and if it does not include actual fire, I will think rude thoughts. She's even DRESSED as fire. SURELY.

France: Monroe

Her Wikipedia page has already been updated with a photo from this. That dress is quite fantastic. It's like... Glam Little Women, depending possibly on which version you're watching.

Austria: Cosmó

I don't know which one of them is "Benjamin Gedeon, aka Cosmó," but dare I assume it's the one with the star on his face? They are both dressed like galactic French pirates, which conveniently is the name of the song. Just kidding, it's called "Dance License."

Australia: Delta Goodrem

Oz is not here to mess around: Delta is legitimately very famous over there. (Her dress is very straightforward but also beautiful.)

Ukraine: Viktoriia Leleka

Viktoriia looks like she's playing Mary in a highly experimental nativity play, and her partner's outfit may have been made with the help of a blender. Let's hear it for his MASSIVE instrument, though, and that's not a euphemism. It appears to be a bandura, which has well more than 50 strings -- the Internet tells me "56-68+" -- and is a combo of a lute and a zither.

Sweden: Felicia

This song was apparently born in Iceland, and Wikipedia quotes someone as describing it thusly: "combining Mello-pop with Eurotechno-dunk." I do not know what those words mean in that order. But this outfit would have been PERFECT for Covid.

Lithuania: Lion Ceccah

Presumably he... will be able to move during his performance? Perhaps we have to feed him loose change.

Norway: Jonas Lovv

He's been compared to Benson Boone. Gosh, I wonder why.

Malta: Aidan

He ALSO has Benson Boone vibes, but with sartorial vibes mixing Shaboozey and Lil Nas X. He will be singing in Maltese, which hasn't happened in Eurovision since 2000.

San Marino: Senhit, with Boy George

George co-wrote the song and lends it some background vocals. I hope he actually gets on stage, although would that be a bit like cheating? is Boy George TOO famous of a global persona? I DO embrace his taste in hats and would like to see more of them.

Latvia: Atvara

This is VERY glam. I know it's not that wacky or intriguing, but I was too tempted by the sparkles.

Luxembourg: Eva Marija

She appears to be wearing an aubergine tarp.

Greece: Akylas

This is just an absolute festival of riches. Even Big Bird couldn't shed feathers that large.

Belgium: Essyla

Her stage name is apparently based on the pronunciation of her birth name, Alice, backwards. Her song is called "Dancing on the Ice" and I hope it's about ice dance controversy and/or sexual tension.

Cyprus: Antogoni Buxton

Apparently the main act here is in the middle, and she is a former Love Island contestant. People are up in arms about her song because, and I am quoting Wikipedia here, "[T]hey claimed that the song's music video 'did not accurately depict the Cypriot traditions and cultural image of Cyprus' while also claiming that the video clip 'includes and legalises very dangerous unlawful road driving practises', in reference to a scene in the music video where a group of youths are doing wheelies on motorcycles, without wearing helmet." Wait until they see the bad outfits! That'll REALLY push them over the edge.

Bulgaria: Dara

"Do we need to brush her?"

Armenia: Simón

Oh, lord, we have Creative Pants. There are beltloops near the hems, so I assume that's the waist from... you know what, I'm not gonna interrogate it. I will not reinvent pants.

Azerbaijan: Jiva

Her song is all about the use of belts.

Croatia: Lelek (Inka Vecerina Perusic, Judita Storga, Korina Olivia Rogic, Lara Brtan and Marina Ramljak)

THIS IS A FEAST. A split leg! A single leg! A hat! A half-train! A cold shoulder with another single leg! Middle Lelek looks like Coco Rocha in that thing and everyone else appears to have had to design their outfits by lottery.

Montenegro: Tamara Zivkovi

Incredible. She's like Elvira and Madonna mixed together.

It's Eurovision Week, and it's Already Sartorially Wacky

Just as you'd expect.