Chanel - Spain

Chanel is representing Spain, so I assume this gown was created with an eye toward Flamenco. IS it a gown, really? I can't tell if the red is attached to anything or merely draped over her wrists, like the world's least practical wrap. It looks comfy. And it probably packs pretty flat.

Brooke Scullion (Ireland)

This is VERY kicky, and would work for an '80s-themed ice dance.

Ronela Hajati (Albania)

How can she beat this on-stage?!?

Mahmood (Italy)

He sang for Italy in 2019, as well, and in fact came in second with a tune about how much he hates his father (I was not wild about it, though; it was a little boring?). He did not wear anything nearly this interesting. I can't tell if that's a skirt or wide-legged pants, but either one would deserve better than the blazer and his beige boxers. He looks like an alien who came down and was given no instructions about how clothes work.

Citi Zēni (Latvia)

Their song is called Eat Your Salad, and it's apparently their attempt to write a song about veganism that isn't boring. No, seriously. I am THRILLED.

Michael Ben David (Israel)

I guess they used X Factor: Israel to pick their act. I appreciate the number of shirtless people we've seen already, but honestly, Michael's outfit is so much more interesting.

Vlad Kurochka of Kalush Orchestra (Ukraine)

I believe the English translation of this man's stage name is MC CarpetMan, which makes a lot of sense now that I see him. The original Ukrainian entrant had to withdraw because, essentially, they won't allow anyone to represent them who has performed in Russia since 2014, and apparently she had been in Russia in 2015 and her team allegedly falsified some documents to get around this. Two days before Russia invaded Ukraine, the country chose and confirmed Kalush Orchestra as a replacement.

Reddi (Denmark)

These four are giving me real modern Bangles energy.

Konstrakta (Serbia)

And here I'm feeling a touch of Midge Maisel.

S10 (Netherlands)

I do not think it was raining.

Emma Muscat (Malta)

This feels very Wonder Woman Island.

Sam Ryder (UK)

His song is called "Space Man" which I assume was the inspiration for his coveralls.

Sheldon Riley (Australia)

This is if Elton John were a paratrooper.

Cornelia Jakobs (Sweden)

Subtlety, thy name is not Eurovision.

Andromache (Cyprus)

That is one exuberant slit.

I assume she's got some well-anchored undergarments hiding in there?

Andrea Koevska (Macedonia)

As I was writing this, I read that Andrea got in trouble with her country because she tossed the flag on the ground to take photos -- like, they threatened to yank her for "scandalous behavior." So I imagined it was a HUGE flag and that she'd hurled it at someone or stepped on it or something, but... not so much. She apologized and said she just wanted to hand it to someone but they were too far away, which, who knows, but it's SUCH a teeny little thing that I'm amused everyone got so burnt about it.

Alvan & Ahez (France)

I pulled this one because the guy kind of has a Breton stripe tattoo, which I thought Fug Nation would appreciate.

Subwoolfer (Norway)

We covered Subwoolfer earlier this year, and I'm pleased to say they are still on-brand and in it to win it. Can anyone out-kitsch them?

Circus Mircus (Georgia)

How about some PIRATES?

It's Eurovision Week, and Here Are Some of Your Contestants

Get ready.