Kaarija, Finland

Kaarija's song is about a guy who goes out to party and gets drunk after a few pina coladas. No, really. I can't wait. And I really feel that whatever is happening here fits the spirit.

Just so you're ABSOLUTELY clear, yes, he is dressed as Bowser at Mardi Gras.

La Zarra, France

She is a Canadian representing France, and I gather she's third in the oddsmaking right now? This dress is perfection and I will be very sad if she comes out and performs in something banal and transparent.

Whoever these people are, they deserve credit for being nattily dressed as well. Oftentimes the backup performers or musicians will come out with the main singer.

Let 3, Croatia

I just want you to experience this passage from this band's Wikipedia page. Please, let it into your heart. Here: "In December 2006, the band was sanctioned by police after performing naked at an open-air concert in Varaždin. The band's defence that they had not been naked because they had corks in their anuses did not convince the judge; the court found them guilty and fined each member kn 350 (€47.78). On 14 December 2008, the live talk show Nedjeljom u dva finished early after two of the band members simulated the ejection of a cork from their rectums." Needless to say I have high hopes for them.

Let 3, Croatia

AS I SAID. They look like if Monty Python had, in its heyday, entered Eurovision.

Wild Youth, Ireland

Amusingly, THESE guys are the ones called Wild Youth, and not the other dudes. Second From Left has on a legitimately good jumpsuit, and next to him is a guy who kinda looks like if Justin Timberlake-as-ABBA from SNL had given him a new aesthetic direction.

Mimicat, Portugal

I think I might have liked this dress a bit more if the multi colors were ACTUALLY in the fishtail, and not just the backdrop that I'm seeing through the tulle.

Mimicat, Portugal

Again, everyone in "the group representing Portugal" has turned it out.

The Busker, Malta

Their entry is called "Dance (Our Own Party)," and you know what, I WILL come to their party as long as they bring the saxophone.

Luke Black, Serbia

That ruffle is REALLY making him think. "Am I the Carrie Bradshaw of my own life? AM I???"

Pasha Parfeni, Moldova

I hope this entire performance involves them running around with airplane arms.

Loreen, Sweden

Oooh, Sweden wants this thing back! Loreen won in 2012, and that year it was in Azerbaijan, where she was the only contestant to meet with local human rights activists -- which pissed off a lot of people and then maybe also delighted all the ones who voted her to victory. You might also recognize her from the Group Sing number in the Eurovision movie, which I recommend for Dan Stevens and that moment.

Voyager, Australia

GET IN THERE with your keytar and your houndstooth! I am wholly on board with THIS.

Alessandra, Norway

Her song, "Queen of Kings," will kick off the first semifinal and is about her bisexuality. I am not sure how she can top this outfit.

Vesna, Czechia

THIS is like Eurovision: A Bridgerton Story.

Noa Kirel, Israel

Her song is called "Unicorn" and I can only hope she has an actual horn she will deploy. Her bra sculpture is kinda pretty.

Brunette, Armenia

It's a BRA SCULPTURE CONTEST!

TuralTuranX, Azerbaijan

Well, shit, these two brothers a) stopped playing music for a while after the death of their father, and b) lost two older brothers to a road accident. How can you NOT root for them and their fabulous blouses?!?

Theodor Andrei, Romania

Welcome to Beginner Yoga with Theodor.

Marco Mengoni, Italy

Marco is doing Opposite Day Yoga.

Dion Cooper and Mia Nicolai, Netherlands

I need to know more about Dion's curly hair regimen, please and thank you.

Teya and Salena, Austria

And we need Notes on Lipstick from these two.

Sudden Lights, Latvia

This looks like the main titles art for a British comedy troupe's dramedy about four brothers who have all raised each other.

Remo Forever, Switzerland

What if he had NO IDEA what was happening behind him!?

Dilja, Iceland

The talent portion IS the contest, Dilja! Save it!

Gustaph, Belgium

This is the new recruitment poster for MI-5, I HOPE.

Piqued Jacks, San Marino

I feel like they were all costumed by someone who THOUGHT they understood Maneskin.

Monika Linkyte, Lithuania

Glam Disney.

Andrew Lambrou, Cyprus

I LOVE him matching his sunglasses to his shoes.

Blanca Paloma, Spain

This is not dramatic AT ALL, obviously.

Spain

I thought you should see the hidden catsuit.

Iru, Georgia

WAIT. Her earrings appear to be CONNECTED to all the bling drizzled on her shoulders?!? This feels like ripe ground for an earlobe-ripping accident.

Tvorchi, Ukraine

I would love to know what the jackets mean -- I couldn't find anything as of this typing. But they look sharp.

Blanka, Poland

Her skirt says something, but nobody got a shot of what it is. I assume it says HEY JUDE.

Alika, Estonia

Her coat feels very apocalyptic.

Victor Vernicos, Greece

He's in the Matrix.

Lord of the Lost, Germany

This is giving me Lordi vibes, minus the monster costumes of course, which... might also be minus the fun?

Reiley, Denmark

Adorable.

Albina & Familja Kelmendi, Albania

Albina is fronting a family performing crew, and while her catsuit is clearly meant to be the highlight -- that whole dress looks like something Aishwarya Rai would wear to Cannes -- I am zooming in on those fringed boots.

Mae Muller

The UK FINALLY did well again last year, but can Mae win it for them for real? Not in this dress. (Sincerely, I suspect she will not be wearing this dress, but also, this dress is not a winner.)

Joker Out, Slovenia

I like to imagine they are Slovenia's version of Dude Perfect, and if you don't know what Dude Perfect is, be grateful. I have boys who often regale me with Dude Perfect antics and there's like two Corys and a Cody? Or two Codys and a Cory? And more dudes, but for me that sums it up.

Tumir Miroschnychenko of Ukraine and Sam Quek (r) of the UK

These two hosted the Turquoise Carpet, one repping the winner and the other repping the host nation. He looks dapper and she needs a necklace. SURELY one of these acts had an extra one floating around. They brought literally everything else.

It's Eurovision Week!

Forget the Met. This is MY Super Bowl. (Also, I guess, forget the Super Bowl, then.)