1. Sweden: Måns Zelmerlöw, "Heroes," 365 points
Having just complained about the reliance on screens, Sweden actually used them fairly interestingly, by having the singer engage with them. At one point he turns to talk to one of the stick figures, and here, he's boogying with a whole gaggle, singing really happily about how the world is kind of screwed but we have to all try and be heroes even though we're "dancing with the demons in our minds." If these are his mind-demons, they're not very frightening. Maybe that's how they suck you in. Maybe they seem like regular nice little schoolboys but then they turn into Chucky from "Child's Play" and lay waste to humanity. I guess we'll find out. At any rate, he's awfully perky for a guy undercutting heroism with warnings about doing the demon-tango.
Måns Zelmerlöw
"I make worms turn into butterflies," he sang, with some extremely literal illustrations, which WOULD be quite a magic trick. The International Association of Caterpillar Awareness promptly fired off a letter explaining the biological differences between worms and caterpillars and demanding an apology.
2. Russia: Polina Gagarina, "A Million Voices," 303 points
For Russia, an extremely beautiful young lady sang about promoting peace and harmony and healing, in front of the swirling vortex that would presumably suck her off this planet and into the Beyond if she did not bring home a win. Which she did not, but she IS the first act to receive more than 300 points and NOT win. I seriously feel like everyone was like, "Remember Sochi? WE CAN'T GO TO ANOTHER RUSSIAN PARTY."
Polina Gagarina
"I hope we can start again," she cooed with extreme optimism. At times she seemed so earnest about her message that her face threatened to blow off her skull. I actually highly recommend watching the performance, though; she performs well and the song builds nicely, plus she gets teary at the end. Which makes it very sad that she got booed during the scoring (which ALSO made her cry) because everyone hates Russia. Audience members, your opinion of that nation has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with poor Polina Gagarina. SHE JUST WANTS TO HEAL THE WORLD.
Polina Gagarina
LOOK HOW MUCH SHE MEANS IT.
Polina Gagarina
Lots of people use the floor for their shows, too, and Russia was no exception. It does look nice. Russian Eurovisioners seem bent on trying to look fun and friendly lately. Last year, they sent the two girls who intertwined their ponytails and rode a see-saw, the joy of which was promptly eradicated by Russia acting like scumholes about Conchita Wurst. Maybe Polina should move to friendler confines and try again. The UK could really use a decent act one of these years.
3. Italy: Il Volo, "Grande Amore," 292 points
If you are into operatic close-harmony singing, then you will be all OVER these three, who feel like an attempt to put a slightly more youthful spin on the existing Il Divo. There's a demi-Jonas up there on the left, Ryan Reynolds' magician cousin in the middle, and Sensitive Clever Spectacles on the right for those of you who are swayed by such things (Jessica)(and me)(and many of us). I feel terribly manipulated. It's like Italy is trying to stroke my face and feed me pasta and lull me into putting maximum points into their wallets.
3. Italy: Il Volo, "Grande Amore," 292 points
They did sound good, but their only art direction seemed to be, "Look at all this cool shit we have in Italy. Come party here next year."
4. Belgium: Loïc Nottet, "Rhythm Inside," 217 points
This dude just wanted to bark instructions at me for three minutes. "We gonna rapppabab tonight," he said. LIES. We did not rapppabab. "We" did nothing of the sort. HE did all the rapppababbing, and frankly, I am never going to rapppabab with somebody who doesn't see rapppababbing as a two-way street. You don't just get to rapppabab all up in my grill.
Loïc Nottet
And then he twirled, as if THAT was going to make it all better. If you want to fix this, Loic, you need a LOT more stage business than just your jacket flaps.
Loïc Nottet
And THEN he had to lie down to contemplate his sins. "And if we die, tomorrow what’ll we have to show for the wicked ways down below?" he wondered, while an army of crop-tops stampeded around him. I'm concerned that the subtext here is that he feels extreme sexual self-loathing.
Last year Belgium's song was about how the dude's mother is "more than his soulmate," and they didn't make the finals, so maybe something intense about how we all have to get our rhythm back was meaningful in a meta sense. Like, they needed to rebound from "I LOVE YOU, MOM," to something more symbolic.
5. Australia: Guy Sebastian, "Tonight Again," 196 points
Australia, not being part of Europe, has only ever participated this year -- which it did to honor the fact that its people are Eurovision-mad. SO ARE OURS, maybe. Can we go?!? Who would we send? An unknown? Do we go full asshole and send Beyonce, just because we know she will smoke the competition? That might be a real douche move.
ANYHOO: No idea if Australia gets another dispensation to return in 2016, and besides, were they ever going to win? All of Europe can't exactly pick up and fly there for this, can it? But scoring fifth is pretty impressive, Oz, especially with a song about how tonight is great and tomorrow will be boring. It's a snoozey message wrapped in perfectly serviceable pop, but hey, at least there are giant streetlights, and nobody is flogging themselves about "sins down there" which we presume are genital antics. AHEM, BELGIUM.
Guy Sebastian
Australia even threw in some perfunctory pyrotechnics at the end, as if putting a period on the sentence. One last-ditch attempt to shore up some votes. Australia knew what to do. When in doubt, you suck up with FIRE.
6. Latvia: Aminata, "Love Injected," 186 points
Latvia gave us this giant red party favor. I had really high/low lyrical hopes for a song called "Love Injected" but all it can muster is some disjointed thoughts about "your eyes are a mirror" and "you care, you animate." BOO, Latvia. Also, the graphics were fine, but like, let's have someone ride in on a giant syringe and love-inject her during the final chorus. Think BIG.
7. Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa, "Goodbye to Yesterday," 106 points
Then a time machine landed and spat out Louis from One Direction but from the future, and he sang a ditty about how he was trying to sneak out of this girl's bedroom after a one-nighter, and how he freaked out when he accidentally made jangly noises with his keys, in case she woke up. The lyrics claim it was selfless abandonment, because his love wasn't ever going to be enough for her and so he had to get out of her way, but I think we all know those are just excuses. Especially because he noted, "When I got outside I smiled to the dog." You don't get smug with the pets if you're hurting yourself to heal someone else. Don't drag animals into your LIES, ESTONIA. But if you do, BRING THEM ONTO THE STAGE, because something else needs to happen here besides just strumming and angry eyes.
Estonia
And, oh, are there angry eyes. His duet partner comes out from backstage and gives him Death Glare while singing about how if she'd heard him, she'd have tried to stop him because they're a perfect match and they deserve a clean slate. So basically, he tries to make it her problem, and she gets to be a needy stalker. Maybe NEITHER of your love is enough, because maybe your love sucks.
Estonia
Also, like, this isn't going to cut it visually. The song itself could be a lot worse, but come on: Center Stage's final ballet put a bed AND a motorcycle on stage to play out a one-night stand. Somebody please send a hundred copies of Center Stage to Estonia.
8. Norway: Mørland & Debrah Scarlett, "A Monster Like Me," 102 points
Joel McHale and Simone from "Head of the Class" popped out to sing another mansplainer ballad about how he harbors a terrible secret and just needs to release her into the world so he can't drag her down to his level. He never says WHAT the secret is, so I suspect Joel is just a whiny melodramatic cad, and TOTALLY unworthy of her awesome hair.
Norway
Just in case you wondered how big the arena is. People turn OUT for Eurovision.
9. Israel: Nadav Guedj, "Golden Boy," 92 points
Nadav here is 16, and wearing sneakers Kanye West will be ENRAGED he did not get first. The song opens with him telling his mother that someone broke his heart, and that his solution is to dance on the floor. Lionel Richie might have something to say about his choice of surface.
Israel
Then Nadav and his random high-school friends dance around saying "pull me, baby, I'm your trigger," before concluding the song by announcing that three minutes are up and they have to leave. Which is the Eurovision rule, yes, but plays like they're going to miss their curfew. Jason Segel is going to play Nadav in the movie of this brave soldier of floor-dancing who just wants his golden shoes to make him "the king of fun," before the race to get home before his three minutes are up. It'll be like "A Night at the Roxbury" meets "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."
10. Serbia: Bojana Stamenov, "Beauty Never Lies," 53 points
And now we have majesty. Bojana wore an INTENSELY major cape and hair poof, like the most pleasant yet out-of-date royal cousin in the entire family tree -- the one who doesn't have the Internet and still dresses for breakfast. She sang an anthem about a girl who hid her light deep inside until she realized one day that beauty doesn't hide. Which... if that's true, then she couldn't have been hiding beauty all that time, so... what was she hiding? Quarters? Last night's laundry? The song is clearly trying to say that Learning To Love Yourself, It Is The Greatest Loooooove Of All. But it might accidentally contradict itself instead.
Also, her song was considered a rousing favorite after the semis, but she didn't sound that great during the finals and that might have killed her. But you'll want to watch it. Why? Well...
Serbia
Naturally, she's joined on-stage by a bunch of peace-loving phantoms who needed day jobs after Eyes Wide Shut nearly ruined them. And THIS is what I'm talking about -- they don't do a ton, but what they do accomplish is weird and eye-catching and has nothing to do with fancy special effects. It's good old fashioned HUMAN insanity.
Serbia
And then the Phantoms of the Notpera RIP OFF THEIR CLOTHES and reveal their thematic true beauty that was hiding underneath, except the two dresses that emerge are heinous so perhaps it's TRUE that beauty really does not hide at all and we can continue the confusing logic pretzel of this song.
Serbia
And then Loose Necktie takes a selfie. Or a shot of the crowd. Because that's where we are now.
11. Georgia: Nina Sublatti, "Warrior," 51 points
Georgia's song is about a girl who really, really hates posing for the packaging on those cheap Halloween costumes that they sell in bags.
Georgia
The song she barks out has a very "DARKNESS... NO PARENTS..." feel to it (that's Lego Movie Batman, for those of you who haven't yet experienced the greatness). She also invented a word, "oximated," as in: "Fighter // Oximated // World gonna get up and see." Now, science tells me that to oximate something is to turn it into an oxime, a.k.a., any of various compounds containing the divalent group C=NOH and obtained chiefly by the action of hydroxylamine on aldehydes and ketones. But I'm pretty sure she's using it to mean, "Turned into the cover of a dystopian YA novel." I am not sure how she beat some of the tunes in the lower section, much less some that didn't make it in at all, but I gather that placement has something to do with it -- short memories and whatnot -- and Georgia was 23rd out of 27. So. Take better notes, judges (and viewers, whose votes also count).