Plushenko's FACES OF MURDER
I mean, OBVIOUSLY we have to talk about whatever was going on here. So many people seemed to think maybe he ALWAYS meant to withdraw after the Team Skate -- Dick Button certainly did -- but that seems awfully Machiavellian, and he did seem distraught about it. When I turned on the telecast, the first thing I thought was, "DAMN, he looks TERRIBLE," so it certainly is believable that he was in pain. And he looked so good at the Team Competition that I actually thought he had this in the bag. AND then yesterday, he told the press that he might try and skate in 2018. All of which is to say: ??!?!?!?!?!!?!!? Please do weigh in with your thoughts.
Also, he looks as though he got stabbed in the heart in this costume. Which is possibly how he felt.
Jeremy Abbott's Nervous Face
And when they panned over to this, I just KNEW poor Jeremy was about to crash and burn. This kid. As an aside, props to the commenter who pointed out that the actor who plays Tom Long in Hart of Dixie -- Ross Philips -- is a dead ringer for Jeremy and will surely be playing the lead in OW! That's The Wall!: The Jeremy Abbott Story.
Jeremy Abbott Short Program
Speaking of: OW! That's The Wall! This was a BAD crash. He really went DOWN. Here, he looks like he's trying to recreate that scene in Wolf of Wall Street where Leo gets his leg stuck in the car door. That being said: after he got this out of the way, he got up and nailed this thing, and good for him.
On NBC, Sandra Bezic, of course, was like, "he's SO BRAVE," and, look. No. He's an ATHLETE. "Brave" is saving someone from a burning building. He's going to get up and finish his damn program. It's his JOB. If Lebron were having a really awful game and yet still showed up to play the 4th quarter, no one would be like, "he is so BRAVE to carry on." Of course he did. The game's not OVER and he's an ATHLETE. If you can still skate, you're not going to QUIT just because you crashed dramatically into a wall. In short, shut up Sandra Bezic.
The Majesty of Kevin Reynolds' Hair
And also there was this. We need to talk about Kevin.
Kevin Reynolds Short Program
I suppose we can give Kevin a pass for just wearing a black tee shirt and the black pants from an Olive Garden uniform given that he is literally skating to "Back in Black."
Kevin Reynolds Long Program
Heather is obsessed with this kid and how he looks like he ought to be the plucky, cheeky hero of a series of British children's books. Or, I guess, a Canadian series.
Florent Amodio Short Program
Dude. That is a LOT of pectoral for the Olympics. In fact, we saw an awful lot of chest this season. Wait until I get to Brian Joubert!
Florent Amodio Long Program
Give this kid a handlebar mustache, and he can totally get a job bartending at a hipster joint serving artisanal bourbon cocktails with muddled lavender or whatever over in Silverlake. You have a career waiting for you, Florent!
Zoltan Keleman Short Program
This guy didn't really make much of a splash BUT his name is ZOLTAN and I cannot resist a Zoltan. Not ever. And especially not if his shirt has flower appliques!
Zoltan Keleman Long Program
The man has a BEDAZZLED BELT. I might be in love with him.
Brian Joubert Short Program
I SERIOUSLY thought Brian Joubert had retired. Apparently not. He's still here, and he's ON FIRE, like the French skating version of a muscle car.
Brian Joubert Long Program
I guess this is how he's announcing his new gig at Chippendale's. THAT WHOLE THING IS SHEER. I think. NO ONE needs to see nipples at the figure-skating venue. Not ever.
Daisuke Takahashi Short Program
Takahashi is bringing us male model realness. Seriously. He SELLS THE FACE every time he skates. It's tremendous.
Daisuke Takahashi Long Program
His costumes are quite understated, but his body language is very much, "BEHOLD ME, MORTALS."
Patrick Chan Short Program
I am very fond of Patrick Chan, and I couldn't believe it when they pointed out during the broadcast that he's only 23! He really does subscribe to the Evan Lysacek School of Costuming Thought wherein he looks like he bought everything at Banana Republic.
Patrick Chan Long Program
Or Anthropologie.
Michal Brezina Long Program
I just couldn't resist this, which was just a lucky screengrab. It's like an 80s glamour shot, and I need NBC to recreate this for EVERYONE and use them as, like, Figure Skating Opening Credits. He sort of looks vaguely like Prince William to me, and now I obviously want to see him starring in WILLS AND KATE ON ICE. Who shall we choose to Skate Kate?
Michal Brezina Long Program
He is skating...as?....Sherlock, I guess, given the musical choice. Where are your cap and pipe, good sir?
Denis Ten Short Program
Denis kicked some ass and got the bronze, but I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't mention how much falling there was this year. I know all these guys feel like they need to have a quad in their repertoire, and I know I've complained about this before, but it's kind of a bummer as a civilian viewer when none of the medalists turn in two clean programs. That being said, his bronze was the first figure-skating medal for Kazakhstan ever, which is awesome. That's what you get when you hire Frank Carroll, I guess.
Denis Ten Long Program
I like to think this open-shirt + tie is just a salute to Brenda Walsh. She is a young lady AND a hooligan!
Alexander Majorov Short Program
I decided this kid is REALLY into Naeem Khan. Doesn't this look sort of like Naeem Khan on ice? (For what it's worth, I think that definitely needs to happen.)
Javier Fernandez Short Program
Remember that episode of Friends where Chandler tries to give up cracking on things and eventually can't stand it and chokes on a muffin, because so many jokes are fighting to escape him? That's how I feel looking at the words "Satan Takes a Holiday."
Javier Fernandez Short Program
I mean, you can't say this isn't FESTIVE. It's kind of Hot Dog On a Stick On Ice. Maybe THAT'S what happens when Satan takes a holiday.
Javier Fernandez Long Program
I feel like there were a lot of dudes pretending to be spies this year. The high-level figure-skating costume designers did a LOT of Faux Holsters this season.
Yuzuru Hanyu Short Program
Congrats to Hanyu for winning Japan's first gold medal in men's figure skating. And with all those chokers around his neck, flopping up and potentially hitting him right in the face.
Yuzuru Hanyu Long Program
I can only assume here that he is giving cosmic thanks to Johnny Weir, who designed this (deliciously INSANELY ridiculous) costume, and who is killing it in the commentary booth with Tara Lipinski during the morning live airings of all the skating on NBC Sports. (The other day, Terry Gannon, the third man in the booth, even made a Seinfeld Puffy Shirt joke, which means TaraAndJohnny is contagious, which is good news for all of us). Tara and Johnny are SO MUCH better than Scott and Sandra, I can only pray that NBC will finally catch the snap there.
Yakov Godorozha Long Program
In other bits and bobs: I don't care if you are a figure skater. BeDazzled jeans are a no for all men.
Jason Brown's Short Program
Because I forgot to show you the back of his costume when we talked about the Americans at Nationals, and because I love him. He was SO DELIGHTED to finish in the top ten. It's really heart-warming to see a kid be like, "ninth? YAY!" Because 9th at your first Olympics, when you're not even twenty years old, IS exciting and awesome. I just think he's a treat. I have love 4 U, Jason.
Misha Ge Short Progam
Speaking of delights. He's skating for Uzbekistan and his hair is a color not found in nature, which makes me happy.
Misha Ge Short Progam
No shrinking violet, this kid.
Misha Ge Long Program
We need MORE of this. MORE SPANGLES. Good thing ice dancing is next.