Maxim Trankov Short Program
When this happened, I turned to Heather and said, "his hair is like a salute to the collected works of Nicholas Cage." I WISH someone would skate a salute to Nicholas Cage. It would be TREMENDOUS. This was just a waltz. WHATEVER. (Although it was a stunningly good waltz. These two won and it was well-deserved. US Pairs is such a hot mess right now. Thank god we have ice dancing [which we'll get to soonish].)
Maxim Trankov and Tatiana Volosozhar Short Program
You can click on "full-size" to see this larger, if you need to. I feel like there is no more Russian ensemble than this -- well, other than giant fur hats, I guess, but those are hard to skate in. They look like they're extras in Tolstoy! ON ICE. A show I would go see, by the way. The scene where -- SPOILER -- Anna Karenina tosses herself under the train will be AMAZ.
Maxim Trankov and Tatiana Volosozhar Long Program
Their long program was to "Jesus Christ, Superstar" and they both looked kind of dirty -- which I guess is hippie-appropriate for that skate, but not amazing for the pictures afterwards.
Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy short program
Savchenko and Szolkowy took the bronze, and I love this short program. I was reading a piece on Bad Figure Skating Costumes somewhere that was written by someone who clearly hadn't watched this skate. Because, yes, she looks INSANE...but she's also skating as (and to) the Pink Panther, which makes this awesome and perfect. Pairs is often SO basic and safe, costume-wise, that this was a treat.
Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy Long Progam
What's the polar opposite of The Pink Panther? If you said The Nutcracker, then you win!
Pang Qing and Tong Jian Short Progam
These two look elegant. They're the couple that's been engaged since 2011 -- I accidentally wrote "enraged," which may also be true, as far as I know -- and are waiting until the Olympics are over to get married, which seems like BS to me. Just get married! You already are with each other all day, every day! I think there's trouble in paradise, here, is what I'm saying, and next thing you know, one of them is going to be like, "let's wait until after...um....LEAP YEAR. Yes!"
Pang Qing and Tong Jian Long Progam
This was, of course, skated to Les Mis, because someone in figure-skating is randomly terminated with extreme prejudice unless at least four people take the ice to the dulcet tones of revolution.
Ksenia Stolbova and Fedor Klimov Short Program
These two took silver and yet I have NO IDEA what their short program was about, and I literally just watched it. It must have been technically adept.
Ksenia Stolbova and Fedor Klimov Long Program
THIS, on the other hand, is very memorable: It was to The Addams Family, which feels about 20 years too late, but which is still fun and they sold it, and it explains why he, in particular, looks like a drawing.
Vera Bazarova and Yuri Larionov Short Program
Dude. There was some UNFORTUNATE man-hair in this group this year. Like this dude. He looks like an enforcer in the Russian mafia. The outfit doesn't help.
Vera Bazarova and Yuri Larionov Short Program
They're skating to music from Chaplin, and their costumes make LITERALLY NO SENSE. Her stripe-y dress is actually kind of cute-for-real, but he's just wearing...a mock turtleneck under a black vest and black pants? If you're doing a Chaplin thing, you wear a suit. MANY MANY skaters have done a Chaplin thing and they all wore a bow tie. OPEN YOUR EYES, BAZAROVA AND LARIONOV.
Vera Bazarova and Yuri Larionov Long Program
That said, their long program costumes were amazing. He still looks like a henchman who lumbered into a Party City, but she looks awesome.
Vera Bazarova Long Program
THERE'S A HEADDRESS.
Kirsten Moore-Towers and Dylan Moscovitc Short Program
When I was streaming this to take the screengrabs, somehow I was listening to some random color commentors -- not Tara and Johnny, although I saw them cover it on my actual TV -- and the woman said, and I paraphrase, "they look crazy, but they are skating to Motley Crue!" and I was like, "!!!!!!" and also, "what do these outfits have to do with MOTLEY CRUE?! OH CANADA." Then I did some research, and it turns out they're skating to a song called "A Motley Crew" from something called Micmacs and I don't know wtf that means, but I'm basically REALLY sad she's not in costume as Vince Neil.
Kirsten Moore-Towers and Dylan Moscovitc Long Program
Their long program outfit is like the OPPOSITE of their short program. It's so subdued!
Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford Short Program
Speaking of subdued, these are the other Canadians, and they were skating to a song Eric composed as a tribute to their former coach, who died at 47 of non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which is really sad. I feel like this entire Olympics is just trying to make me cry.
Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford Short Program
On a lighter note, it's hard to tell from my janky screengrabs, but she looks like Lena Dunham to me, if Lena Dunham were a figure-skater. It's not too late, Lena! I feel like both of these costumes are straight from Figure Skating Central Casting.
Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford Long Program
Again, it's hard to tell, but his costume here is great. They're skating to Alice in Wonderland, and his pants are subtle, tone-on-tone plaid -- it's clearly a Mad Hatter thing, and it's great. Which leaves you to wonder: WHY ISN'T SHE DRESSED AS ALICE? Why don't any of you pairs skaters have good wardrobe follow-through? Please rethink and get back to me before Worlds.
Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford Long Program
I don't recall ANY open backs in Alice in Wonderland, and I played -- to great acclaim! -- the role of The Queen of Hearts in my school's production of such, in eight grade. It may not surprise you to hear that I am extremely good at calling for people's heads.
Stefania Berton and Ondřej Hotárek Short Program
Do not even ask me why I didn't screengrab the long program from these two, but I didn't. This short program is going to have to keep you warm -- and it OUGHT, considering that he's dressed AS A TAXI and SHE seems to be wearing her tights OVER her costume, perhaps because it gave her the worst Skater's Wedgie ever. If that doesn't keep you warm...well, wait until we get to men's, I guess, and I'll just try again.