Anna Alyabyeva, Kazakhstan
These really are more akin to ice-skating costumes, in how elaborate they are. This one is all beading and netting, until that unfortunate rump region color scheme that looks like a really unpleasant poster in someone's anatomy classroom.
Ulyana Trofimova of Uzbekistan
Man, the 'stans really brought it -- this outfit is magjestical. The butt ruffles are so ornate, and then the sports bra is so mundane. It's like Las Vegas at 4 a.m., when everything that looked so awesome and fun and bright suddenly seems kind of cheesy and run-down, and holy crap, why is someone trying to tunnel through your brain with a spoon?
Yasmine Mohmed Rostom of Egypt
Every time I see this photo, I become afraid she's been reassembled backward. But look at the sparkles. And the commitment to sleeves being separate and distinct entities.
Delphine Ledoux, France
"Oh yeah, you won gold again? Well, can you do THIS with your ball, Misty May? HUH? I DIDN'T THINK SO."
Janine Murray, Australia
Somebody once told me, as a pickup line, that I looked like an exotic animal you'd find in a New Zealand zoo. It did not work. Should it have? I mean... it sounds all fancy, but could also mean he thought I was carnivorous-looking and a little smelly. Anyway, swap NZ with Oz, and the nice part of that sentiment totally applies here. A little fancy for a demo for Thighmaster 2: Ball of Steel, but that's okay. Whatever sells them.
Caroline Weber, Austria
"My customers are going to be SO EXCITED next month when I do this with their trays of beer."
Caroline Weber, Austria
This is similarly patriotic of her. Even her crotch got into the color scheme. Captain Von Trapp would be so pleased. He loves Austria. And REALLY loves crotches, I suspect.
Julie Zetlin of the United States
If Angelina Jolie doesn't do this, and wear that, as Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty then I cannot condone the movie.
Julie Zetlin of the United States
"Shh. Do not be afraid. It will not hurt a bit when I do the Flying Charo all over your asses."
Julie Zetlin of the United States
"See? IT FEELS LIKE RAPTURE, DOESN'T IT?"
Evgeniya Kanaeva of Russia
"Um... has anyone seen a ball?"
Senyue Deng of China
That costume is quite beautiful. I feel bad for her about the bandaged knee, but even worse for the bunchy support hose. That's not really very supportive behavior, now, is it?
Julieta Cantaluppi of Italy
"One sec, I think I see my contact lens..."
Yeon Jae Son of Korea
"Man, I just... it itches RIGHT THERE... I can't... quite... ah, there we go."
That costume is Showgirl Barbie's dream outfit, though. I seriously love it. The sparkles! The collar! The pink! Dear Figure Skating: Get a pen and take some notes, because these ladies are bringing the thunder.
Daria Dmitrieva of Russia
From this angle, this costume tells a story of a TP'd shrubbery blowing in the wind during a very frosty fireworks display.
Team Russia
Apparently there is also a team competition here, which I did not know prior to this moment (although it makes sense). Or, maybe there isn't -- this COULD also be a very fancy sleepover at which they're playing Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board.
Team Russia
This seriously looks like I imagine Carnivale to be. Someone DID tell them that It's RIO in 2016 and LONDON right now, yes? I really wish they'd managed a Houses of Parliament themed ribbon dance.
Team Germany
And THIS. It's insane. In the best way. It's right out of a sacrificial ritual for the Cult of the Human Phoenix.
Members of the Germany team
This may be the greatest photo ever. It took me a while to register that it's two people, and that I BELIEVE the second lady is standing on her head on German Elisabeth Moss's torso, so that their costumes line up in a cool way. Seriously, that's what's happening, right? It's amazing. Why did I not see this on TV, NBC? How could you deny us this? Or did I just not sufficiently check my local listings?
Listen, Almighty Peacock, next time, spare us endless heats and semifinals and preliminaries, where the yada-yada beforehand is longer than the race itself, and instead give us ACTUAL Decathlon and pole vault and javelin coverage. Give us this. Give us more than just emotionless, over-narrated montages. In fact, why not montage the prelims and semis, in favor of covering the finals with tension and heart? AND RIBBONS AND HOOPS. BRING IT IN RIO, DUDES. Half these ladies look like they're already there.