The CHAMPS
Look how happy! As they should be. This game was SO MUCH FUN, for them and for us. I went to some tight ones, like the 1-0 Game 3 win over Vancouver, and some blowouts, like Game 3s against the Devils and the Blues, and then this one. And I have to say, as thrilling as a close game is, especially in the playoffs... I'm not unhappy that I was only in the stands eating off my fingernails for half of one period, instead of ALL of three. And presumably these guys' families are ALSO happy about that, especially because now they don't have to get smacked around in a Game 7 and risk losing any MORE teeth than was already necessary.
Jordan Nolan
Jordan here just got called up in February. I think in hockey they say "recalled," but to me that makes him sound defective, so I prefer the baseball slang. Anyway, it's going to be tough to top winning a Stanley Cup in your first six months in the league, but maybe next year someone can teach him the finer points of playoff grooming. There is almost nothing here to manscape. He makes Sidney Crosby look like Paul Bunyan.
Kyle Clifford
Poor Cliffie here was injured for part of the playoffs. Maybe that accounts for his partial beard -- if he'd played in the full complement of games, he would've made sure the mustache flourished, but since he wasn't suiting up then he might as well avoid any gruesome soup-eating incidents and/or beer-foam problems.
Slava Voynov
A rookie in both hockey and beard sciences. Voynov here had some good moments, but also may have deflected a puck in for the other team once or twice (for sure in Game 5). That might be the hockey gods exacting revenge for him trying to make sensitive soul patches happen in the NHL Playoffs. The hockey gods don't care for delicacy.
Drew Doughty
Drew is awesome, and if you don't believe me, check out this 1-on-4 goal. But his beard, while shapely, seems to be very carefully trimmed. I find myself wondering what might have been, had he just let it be as unruly and fearsome as possible. Perhaps he'd have scored an even rarer 1-on-5. Or a zero-on-five in which he flipped the puck past Brodeur WITH HIS MIND.
Dustin Brown
This is our 27-year old captain, Dustin Brown, who mixes a rough and tumble playoff beard with an impressive lack of teeth, creating a sort of lumberjack-vampire effect -- like if Kellan Lutz from Twilight became a reclusive logger -- that is actually even more awesome because his beard is very patchy in the cheek region. It's like his face hasn't learned joined-up manscaping yet.
Dustin also obligingly dropped an f-bomb to Pierre McGuire during his post-game interview. Doc Emrick was like, "Well... he might one day want that word back, but..." My guess is he does not care. Would you? I'd be too busy planning my time with the f'ing Cup.
Dustin Brown
However, fangs or no, this is just cute. MUFFINS.
Jonathan Quick
Quickie's beard is in turns ratty and random as well, but it seems overall more cohesive than Brown's effort. And his daughter rules (she disappears briefly and then pops up again at the one-minute mark, and again at 3:47 for an "M&M crisis" from which she immediately bounces back in heroic style).
I'm proud to say that when I first saw Quick play in the '08-'09 season, I noted that his was the jersey I would one day want to own because I thought he showed signs of being freaking awesome. And then he won the Conn-Smythe for, essentially, being REALLY freaking awesome, with a goals-against average in the playoffs of 1.41. And he saves children's lives. Sort of. What's not to love?
Martin Brodeur
The opposing goalie, Martin Brodeur, bypassed the playoff beard. I wonder how he feels about that now.
Colin Fraser
AND ANOTHER MUNCHKIN. Also, well done, Colin Fraser, on ushering us into the realm of fuller beards.
Anze Kopitar
I remember when Kopitar was a rookie in 2006. He had some insanely pretty goals in this series -- Brodeur will see his face in his nightmares -- and I often think of him as Slovenian Aaron Rodgers. I probably should have ranked his beard lower than Fraser's, perhaps, but the crown here really sealed it for me, as if he's sponsored by both the Kings of hockey and the King of Burger.
Rob Scuderi
Scuderi looks surprisingly dapper for a man whose nose got crunched about an hour before this interview. Even his beard is unfazed. Want to see what happened (sort of)?
Scuderi and Penner
Scuderi down there (with Penner, whom we'll get to in a mo) had his face slammed into the glass in the first period, leading to a five minute break while the Ice Girls and eventually some dudes in sneakers tried to chip his blood off the ice, and then a five-minute power play, before which I screamed, "AVENGE HIM," and then they did. THRICE. It was a retaliatory hit for one that Jarett Stoll made on a Devil that didn't get called, but alas for the Devils, this one drew blood and so they kinda HAD to call it (although ejecting the dude was kind of harsh). ALSO, quit your whining, Devils, because in Game 3 the Kings managed to kill a five-minute major without giving up three goals, so DEAL WITH IT.
Rob Scuderi
Scuderi certainly did. I hope he wiped the dried blood off his face before he passed the Stanley on the left-hand side.
Maaaaaartyyyyyyy
Was the shaving worth it, Marty?
Justin Williams
That sucker seems quite silky.
Trevor Lewis, Dwight King
Trevor (right) scored two goals on Monday night. He and Dwight seem to have MATCHING beard, and also, matching glee. They get the nod for a higher degree of plushness because I think I detect that Mr. King's encroaches more upon his full cheek real estate.
Matt Greene
YES. Excellent work, Mr. Greene. Your follicles are a majesty. As was his goal to make it 6-1 in the third -- a goal that I missed because I was so busy celebrating Lewis's empty-net goal that had happened like twenty seconds earlier. It's a beauty of a one-timer from just inside the zone. Also, I must share that whenever the Kings score and we start the chanting, the monitor intercuts regular stuff with hilariously outdated dance celebrations from film and TV -- like the Swayze/Chris Farley Chippendales sketch from SNL. And then it usually ends with Tom Selleck as Magnum, smiling at everyone over his shoulder. It's so jolly.
Jeff Carter
I think of Jeff here as Hockey Rob Riggle. I don't think he'd mind. Also, he has a Stanley Cup, so again, he doesn't care about much this morning except possibly what hilarious formations to shave his hair into as he ritualistically removes it.
Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, Simon Gagne
THAT IS SPECTACULAR. He and Richards (his Philly teammate, both of whom were traded because the Flyers thought they couldn't be on a cup contender, SUCK ON THAT PHILLY) and the until-recently-injured Gagne make a nicely chinned trio, but Carter clearly wins. And he had two goals in Game 6, so what does that tell you, MARTY?
MAAAAAARTYYYYY... MAAAAAARTYYYYYY...
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Mike Richards
That last group photo did not do justice to Richards' beard. IT HAS WINGS, y'all.
Dustin Penner
And back to Penner. This guy is hilarious, widely considered a bust of an acquisition until he woke up before the playoffs and then played out of his skin. He's also called Pancakes around the Kings locker room, apparently, because he injured himself... well, it's exactly what it sounds like, and it's kind of genius. As is his beard. Look at that sucker. Fluffy, well-tended but not too clipped... if he were to lie down, it would have elevation.
Pancakes
He'd like to show you the rest, but he's busy.
Brodeur
Unlike Marty.
Oh, I kid. This photo, to be fair, was from after Game 5, which he won, and when hugging Quick last night Brodeur seemed HUGELY classy and cool. And the dude is 40 and can still do the splits in full pads. If he doesn't want to grow a playoff beard, well, that's his choice. But I bet you next time he'll think hard about it. Because...
The LA Kings
VICTORY! HISTORY! They're all so young that I hope we have a dynasty in the making here. Perhaps they should put Joan Collins's face under the crown logo next season.