Ukraine
I LOVE these creepy-ass faces they're wearing as bathing suits. They're sort of gorgeous, and also a bit unsettling. In a nightmare you later have about these suits, they will be on the faces of people in black spandex catsuits who are encircling you with threatening jazz hands to the tune of Taco's "Puttin' On The Ritz."
Spain
These are very striking. I couldn't get a picture of their other outfits, in which they performed a routine themed to "water in all its shapes," but they're on-point also. I gather the teams all have to tell a story with their performances -- but also prefer to because they feel it helps them get into the choreography. That makes sense. I assume -- as I saw them do this routine and their sassy entrance was everything I hope to be and more -- that their theme here was I Suggest You Do Not Tangle With Me.
Japan
These two won the bronze, in a costume that feels very Willy Wonka meets Cut The Rope means... I don't know. Borat. The hot-pink crotch pod brings me there.
France
One year, France's theme was "The Holocaust." I can only assume this year's was more cheerful. But what really strikes me about this photo -- and I apologize for this, but I can't help it -- is the WAXING. OH MY, THE WAXING. The precision you need. THE PAIN.
France
Hmm. A glittering butterfly? Maybe? I wonder how hard it is to make all these stand up to this kind of athletic water torture. Like, there is a LOT of thrashing. What if you lose a bauble?
Czech Republic
These seem really dull by comparison. Maybe their originals didn't make it through customs.
Great Britain
That looks to be a giant golden ant glimmering on her thorax. I hope their program was themed, "Insects I Have Loved."
Great Britain
For one of their other routines, they valiantly tried to give the polka-dot its due, but you can't really see it. They're very... loud in a confused way.
Brazil
Is that a big toucan there? With the beak across their bellies? I am sure this was an exotic bird-themed effort but I sure wish it were actually about Froot Loops.
Australia
Those are just straight-up pretty. They should sell them.
Russia
These ladies won gold for a routine called Please Don't Get Mad At Us; We Didn't Dope, And We Love Everyone. (For real, it sounds like it was an AWFUL lot of booing in this Olympics -- didn't the crowds even make the French pole-vaulter cry? -- and a lot of the Russian athletes got it, for reasons owing to the whole doping/banning/reinstatement thing. I don't think the synchro teams were involved. It must be very hard to represent your country at a Games where your country isn't that popular at the moment, because you never know who will refuse to check their feelings at the door.) (I also feel like the remaining Russian athletes are probably SO GRATEFUL to Ryan Lochte, Sex Idiot, for booting that whole thing out of the headlines.)
Canada
"I was up all night catching up on Big Brother and I'm SO TIRED. Just let me lean for a second."
China
Your silver medalists wore suits with a colorful dragon appearing peek out from over the crotch cave it may call home. They're VERY arresting, but suddenly that's all I can see.
China
It is a very elaborate start indeed when one of you wears the other one as a belt.
Italy
Those are really neat, and also look like something I assume I will unlock on Plants vs Zombies soon.
United States
I wish I could see these better. They're nice but also a bit generic, potentially.
United States
Better? I think perhaps I just personally have a neon requirement.
United States
"A little lower... okay, to the right... now up a bit... YESSSSSS, God, thank you, I could NOT reach that spot."
Kazakhstan
I assume this was The Plight of the Bumblebee.
Belarus
I love this picture. It's like she's doing elaborate yoga on water.
Japan
If you enlarge this one, you can see how complicatedly see-through this is. It also looks vaguely alien, but in a cool way.
Brazil
Oh my god. This is amazing. They look like Sims.
Russia
THE WAXING. AGAIN. SUCH WAXING. I am sure that's immature but I can't even fathom.
Australia
Those are funky. A bit butterfly-esque.
Egypt
They look like baton twirlers. They should've upped the ante with synchro props. (I'm sure that's forbidden and also impossible, but you know. Dream big.)
Synchronised Swimming
It will not surprise you that the Getty photographers got WONDERFUL detail shots.
Japan
Someone asked me for a shot of Japan underwater, and this is the only one we had. It's a great, great illustration of how disciplined and careful and, well, MATCHING they have to be at all times. It's not just about what you see over water.
China
China won silver in these STUNNING dragon-esque costumes.
Russia
Russia took the gold. They look like a bunch of twinkling north stars.
Japan
This is a clear variation on the duo costumes, with the added element of FLAMES. ON THE SIDE OF THEIR CHESTS. HEAVING. BREATHLESS... HEAVING BREATHS...Oh my God can someone please do a Clue and/or Madeline Kahn-themed synchro routine someday? There should be an aquatic gala just like they do for gymnastics and ice skating.
Brazil
These look a bit circus-y to me. Don't ask me what pushes a bedazzled costume from cool into circus for me; there may be no rhyme or reason to it. Also, I am sure this is meant to evoke Carnaval in some way, so what am I even saying. I think... what I'm reacting to is that it's less PRETTY to me somehow than the other patterns.
Egypt
These are fab. It's worth enlarging, because it's easier to see. They look like something a pharaoh socked away in his or her tomb.
Ukraine
And then Ukraine came along and just tried to suck us into a parallel world through their belly vortexes. If Gord Downie is not dying in that world, I might go take a peek.
Ukraine
I love seeing them start to go in, as their teammates are poised to follow.
Brazil
I also don't get tired of seeing how bubbly it gets under there. They all look like they sprouted giant fluffy beards.
Ukraine
I will miss you, Olympics. Seventeen days feels like an eternity when it's happening, and then not enough when it's done.