Isabella Kristensen
This woman is apparently a Danish designer, and devotee of the art of subtlety.
Jackie St. Clair
This lady is a Simon Cowell ex, supposedly. And this is the part where I wish some drunk Englishman had photobombed her with a sign that said, "My stinger is the right size."
Katherine Jenkins
This is so bright. In a way that I LOVE. Her head looks like a very elaborate, confusing weather-predicting appliance. I wish I were wearing all of it right now.
Aishwarya Rai
She is flat-out awesome.
Earl and Countess Spencer
This is Di's brother and his wife. I'm not tremendously attached to his dusty-salmon colored tie.
Lizzy Cundy
Well. this is the best thing ever: She apparently hosts a TV program called WAGs World. I hope it's party time, excellent, WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO. And she ALSO delivered in the millinery department. I am so DEPRESSED at my total hat failure in life.
Danielle Lineker and Gary Lineker
I freaking loved Gary Lineker when I was a kid and he was on the England national team. (I was never much for crushes on actors -- always athletes. HELLO, STEFAN EDBERG.) What his wife's hat lacks in height, at least it makes up for in diameter.
The Greencoats
Look how dapper they are. Allow me, please, to copy for you the official explanation for who the Greencoats are, because it's TREMENDOUSLY BRITISH in the best way: "It is said that when Queen Anne was in residence at Windsor Castle, she imported a large quantity of green velour material from France, in which she dressed her Yeoman Prickers, who were armed with pikes to move people out of the way at the races! That particular practice doesn’t sit comfortably with the modern day customer service ethic but the outfits are remembered with today’s Greencoats, the ceremonial guard for The Queen at Ascot, wearing the livery."
DOESN'T SIT COMFORTABLY WITH THE MODERN DAY CUSTOMER SERVICE ETHIC. That is amazing. Also, I feel like the subtext is, "Pity, because I can think of a few commoners we'd like very much to poke with sticks."
QEII
"Sigh. I'm so tired of being busy. Can't I just go home and have a plate of Hob Nobs and a pint in front of EastEnders?"
QEII, Camilla, Charles
In all seriousness, then Queen looks exactly as she should, Camilla is in fine form, and I love a man in a top hat. Charles must have loved these days in his youth, because the hats hid the bald spot (which is considerably larger now obviously). In fact, Harry should've attended for that very reason. Yes, ya'll, I called it not long ago, and I think recent photos are bearing it out: Harry may indeed have inherited the Windsor balding pattern.
Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice
Eugenie looks nice; Bea looks a bit like a doll sneezed on her head.
Viscount and Viscountess Lindley
My dear, LOOK how awesomely British-y your husband looks. You need to do better than a shower cap.
Lady Penny Brabourne; Lady Helen Taylor
With all due respect to Lady Helen (daughter of the Duchess of Kent; owner of a groovy lid that looks like it was made from a giant scarf), Lady Penny on the left is BIG DRAMZ: Married to the Queen's cousin, he ditched her in 2010 to start a new life in the Bahamas with a woman named Jeannie McWeeny (please say that out loud) and left her to run Downton -- er, the estate -- alone. Actually, I wrote that joke before reading that it was a real-life Downton situation, because her father founded the Angus Steakhouse chain and left her as the sole heir, and reportedly her money was running their estate for years. AND she lost a young daughter to cancer and has a son on crack cocaine and heroin, so of course, the Daily Mail noted kindly that when she took over the role of High Stewart of Romsey, "there will still be a desperate emptiness in her life few other women have known." Kind. She is ALSO a close pal of Prince Phillip's and does carriage competitions with him? Doesn't sound empty to ME.
Sophie Countess Wessex
I don't know who that is on the right, but her head looks like it's accidentally breeding. Sophie is wearing a uniquely hideous dress that looks so much like a hand-me-down from her mother-in-law that I choose to believe it's so.
Guests
I love imagining what such a behatted tete-a-tete might be about -- probably REALLY bawdy stories of three blokes at the bar last night who got them drunk on shandies.
Guests
HATS! So many hats. They fill my heart with glee.