Maria del Rosario Espinoza, Mexico, taekwondo
First, let's sidestep to note that the sign-carriers' dresses were made up of pictures of the faces of all the OTHER volunteers (presumably they are all different, so nobody would accidentally be wearing her own face?), but it's super distracting to me here because I keep staring at her midsection and wondering why Dennis Franz put himself in the mix.
Anyway, Maria here won the gold in taekwondo in Beijing, and her dress is super elaborate and glittery, two things I always enjoy. The bird eating the snake is the emblem from the Mexico flag, and not just a little sneaky subtext suggesting that the Mexican athletes plan to eat everyone for dinner this year. Although that works, too. Get in their heads however you can.
Jenly Tega Wini, Solomon Islands, weightlifting
Jenly here, for my money, is in a Fierce Race with Fiji. It is in my nature to worry about nip-slips and chafing, but she seems completely calm and unconcerned, and the Internet is not reporting any scandales about Opening Ceremony nudity, so let's assume everything fit snugly according to plan.
QE II is the presiding monarch over the Solomon Islands, which are east of Papua New Guinea and number one thousand. The population is just over half a million, so if you spread that out, that's basically five-thousand people per -- so, you'd need to mix a couple together to equal the student body at many of our universities. FACTS! They are fun.
Josateki Naulu, Fiji, judo
Josateki is working it like the rent is due and his sister is tied to the train tracks. I apologize to Fiji for cropping out its flag, but it was in for the greater good, because LOOK AT HIS PECS. Those suckers are national treasures.
Nick Willis, New Zealand
I love this one. The New Zealand flag bearer for both the winter and summer Olympics always wears a traditional Maori feather cloak, the Te Mahutonga Cloak, which is believed to give them extra mana -- which more or less equates to an intangible magical quality or ability, and/or strength of soul (if my Wikipedia paraphrasing is correct). Very culturally cool, AHEM, Sports Illustrated. Although I would've settled for a coat made up of holograms of Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie.
Caster Semenya, South Africa, track
I got a little teary for Caster here, seeing how delighted she was to represent South Africa. She's been through so much, what with all the genetic testing people demanded of her to prove that she's female -- I mean, can you imagine, working your whole life to excel at a sport and represent your country, and then have people turn around and be like, "We think you're a dude. PROVE YOU'RE NOT." Props to her for shaking off that whole malarkey.
Mavzuna Choreiva, Tajikstan, boxing
I enjoy how elaborate and colorful that is. I wish it tied in a BIT better with the color story of the athletes behind her, but what can you do? Big ups to Tajikstan for going bold and bright. You can't miss her, nor would you want to.
Ser-Od Bat-Ochir, Mongolia
This dude goes by Ziggy. I want to caution him that over here, the name Ziggy is associated with the lifetime futility of a small, balding, pantsless loner, but you know what? He's busy right now so we can deal with it later.
Evelyn Garcia, El Salvador
This woman rules. Almost all the other athletes are in sensible shoes -- some of them skip the ceremony entirely because being on their feet for so long is tough on them (like the swimmers) -- but Evelyn here is like, "F THAT. I'm carrying the flag. BRING ME SOME HEELS."
Iordan Iovtchev, Bulgaria
Iordan could've used some heels. Then again, he's a gymnast, so he doesn't care how tall he is. He's like, "Whatever, y'all. I'm petite and I could probably juggle the shit out of you." The outfit is very jaunty. Kind of like seersucker newsie duds.
Haley Nemra, Marshall Islands
Haley here is a University of San Francisco student who'd never been to the Marshall Islands before 2010, but is a two-time Olympian for them because her father is a native, and every country is allowed to send one man and one woman even if they don't meet the qualifying times for an event (which apparently she didn't). I feel like those other dudes behind her are like, "You're kidding, right? Does she even know what her outfit is CALLED? I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT PASSED OVER FOR THIS." Meanwhile, I am clearly going to mine my family tree for some ancient ancestry that means, at #@$@ years old in 2016, I can compete for the Marshall Islands with a 100-meter time of ten minutes.
Gede Sudartawa, Indonesia, swimming
This kid is 17, which must be very exciting for him -- he was a four-time gold medalist at the Southeast Asian Games, which may be why he's holding the flag, or else they're just honoring him for his youth, or maybe the way he stomps in his pseudo-legwarmers. Also, at the risk of sounding like a jerk, that pattern would make a great pillow. Or a potholder. I mean that as a compliment.
Severine Nebie, Burkina Faso, judo
How come the teal on their hats doesn't match the green in the flag? Doesn't that feel like that's where this was supposed to go? In fact, the whole color scheme of the outfit looks a bit like a faded version of the flag, as if it got washed in overly hot water. Hmm.
Tuau Lapua Lapua, Tuvalu, weightlifting
Apparently Tuvalu has only been in one other Olympics -- Beijing, in 2008. And he looks so excited! The giant tennis shoes with those pants kind of make it look like he threw on the native garb over hospital scrubs, but who cares? That thing is awesome. He is a walking party store.
Aleksander Tammert, Estonia, track and field
This guy throws discus, and is married to a javelin tosser. He also may be wearing a coat made of the space-age packaging that NASA used to encase its astronauts' food. Or as a urine bag. He's a Space Bladder. Also, I SEE YOU THERE, DENNIS FRANZ. DON'T THINK YOU'VE ELUDED MY NOTICE.
Nurmakhan Tinaliyev, Kazakhstan, wrestling
I feel like this poor kid is really sick of having to say to people, "Yes, I wrestle for Kazakhstan. No, Borat is not my coach. Yes, I typically wear a lot more fabric than he does. And yes, this costume WOULD make for beautiful tile work in the master bathroom of a beachfront home." It's okay, kid. We understand. You look bangin'. Although something about the shape of the hat evokes Darth Vader for me -- kind of like an Etsy crocheter meets a Sith Lord fanatic.
Pau Gasol, Spain, basketball
I didn't even recognize Pau at first. I'm not used to him being so... kempt.
Novak Djokovic, Serbia, tennis
I DID recognize NoDjo here, on account of how I love him. Not sure about the slouchy shirttails, though. I know comfort is key when you're parading around for hours and hours, but come on, y'all, let's TRY to be dapper.
Javier Culson, Puerto Rico
I mean, LOOK AT THIS MAN. He's uber-dapper. He takes "dapper" out back and forces it to clean up its act. His suits voluntarily iron themselves, and his shirts pay HIM for the pleasure of tucking themselves in. He is ALSO apparently the world number one in the 400-meter hurdles, and considered the best shot at Puerto Rico's first EVER Olympic gold. I hope he wins it. Sorry, American and UK runners, but I am a sucker for firsts. Especially HOT firsts.
Max Mirnyi, Belarus, tennis
Fun fact: Max has won three lifetime Mixed Doubles slams with Serena Williams, and is the two-time defending French Open doubles champ (with Canadian Daniel Nestor). He ALSO looks tremendous -- I love the tie in particular, and the way the red and green play off the crisp white suit. Well played, Belarus. It's a shame all the Twilight fans in the world will be rooting against you because your name sounds kind of like BELLA + RUSE and it reminds them of how their BFF Kristen Stewart RUINED THEIR LIVES@!!!!@!#!!!
Pandelela Rinong Pamg, Malaysia, diving
This 19-year old is Malaysia's first female flag carrier. That is fab. I really wish London hadn't adopted pink as its Olympic color -- it clashes with so many of the national hues. I do love that Malaysia went big and dramatic here. I don't care if she has no idea what's going on with her sleeve, or if that dude back there doesn't even know what his papal lid is called. It's enough that they're on display. It's not like Bob Costas is going to tell anyone anything about it, anyway.
Maria Sharapova, Russian Federation, tennis
Maria totally looks like she wandered into the Opening Ceremony after watching some cricket and having a Pimm's Cup. WAIT. Why am I not watching cricket and having a Pimm's Cup? Or watching a cricket and having a Pimm's Cup? Or watching Cricket on Y&R and having a Pimm's Cup? That last one is fixable...
Usain Bolt, Jamaica, track
"Well, I'm not that happy to see you, so it MUST mean..."
Mariel Zagunis, USA, fencing
Naturally I was going to include Mariel in this. She's a swordsman! She could spear me. I may be lukewarm on the U.S. uniforms (more on that later) but she is pretty bad-ass, AND she went to Notre Dame, so we're obviously soulmates anyway.
Horia Tecau, Romania
This one is for Twitter, which LIT UP after this guy walked the track. He is the first Romanian to win a Grand Slam title -- he took home Mixed Doubles in the Australian Open with noted American nutbar (she would take that as a compliment) Bethanie Mattek-Sands. He also has the distinction of being a stone fox and rocking the hell out of a mustard blazer. The Olympics: Where hot people gather.