Natalia Ischenko and Svetlana Romashina of Russia
It is unsmoothly criminal that Michael Jackson didn't live to see this. I hope that doesn't come off as inappropriate because I mean it quite sincerely.
Natalia Ischenko and Svetlana Romashina of Russia
The Russian ladies also did a routine about mechanical toys, with costumes that are either homages to those, or to stacking dolls. There is something super creepy about this, as though the ladies have two dolls strapped to them that have COME ALIVE and are DOING EVIL, and they're all trying to drown each other. (Spoiler: Everyone lived.)
Anna Kulkina and Aigerim Zhexembinova of Kazakhstan
It crushes me that you can't see this whole thing, because the suits were done up like spangly dinner jackets, with lorgnettes poking out of the breast pocket. If Dame Edna has lady butlers, they wear these all day.
Nayara Figueira and Lara Teixeira of Brazil
Look how pretty these are. They're an ode to party hats. I LOVE them.
Nayara Figueira and Lara Teixeira of Brazil
And for their other routine: BRAIN HATS. YES. I love you, Brazil. They look like something you'd see on a custom garden gnome outside a neurosurgeon's summer home.
Pamela Fischer and Anja Nyffeler of Switzerland
This is the best. Because in our culture, the word "Swiss" often precedes the words "bank accounts," so OF COURSE the duo from Neutrality Central dresses up as giant wads of cash. Brilliant. I hope they arrived in London by wire.
Sona Bernadova and Alzbeta Dufkova of the Czech Republic
Why yes, those ARE neon tigers. It's Siegfried and Roy with a sunburn.
Olivia Federici and Jenna Randall of Great Britain
Jessica and I were just discussing how we can't watch synchro without thinking of that old Saturday Night Live sketch: "You! You! I know you!"
Gagnon Boudreau and Elise Marcotte of Canada
Love the harlequin suits, too. I like to think this is their way of saying, "Yes, synchronized swimmers ARE kind of the court jesters of the Olympics. AND YOU'RE WELCOME FOR IT, because mutton and mead tastes a lot better when a dude strumming an olde-timey banjo is shaking his hat-bells in your face."
Mariangela Perrupato and Giulia Lapi of Italy
"Shit. The Force isn't working. What now?"
Isabel Delgado Plancarte and Nuria Diosdado Garcia of Mexico
"Team Jacob!" "No! Team Edward!" "I SAID TEAM JACOB." "TEAM EDWARD." "I WILL TAKE YOUR TEAM EDWARD AND JAM IT UP YOUR FACE HOLE."
Eloise Amberger and Sarah Bombell of Australia
These are kind of pretty, and also like they're about to crack open an astrology book and do my chart.
Russia
I think these are the Gryffindor Quidditch squad's renowned aquatic cheerleaders.
Russia
I believe this is a little-known variant on the game of chicken, called Bitch Imma Kill You.
Great Britain
"OY. YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST CLIPPED YOUR NAILS."
China
This looks alarmingly like a fertility ritual.
China
However, the costumes are genuinely pretty.
Canada
An ode to soccer balls. I love it. They couldn't have had any way of knowing how appropriate this would be, given their women's soccer team's a) crackerjack semi-final game against the U.S., and b) historic bronze medal victory over France. I think the soccer players should do an exhibition game in these outfits.
Australia
I can't tell quite what these are, so I've decided it's Castle Sugar High in Candyland's notorious capital city of ToothRotterdam.
Canada
It's the mouth fountain that makes this REALLY moving.
Canada
AMAZING.
Spain
Wait, was this a required element? Seriously, this is exactly what I was doing when I discovered these photos. I really appreciate that Canada at least added spirit fingers to their Hand Binoculars.
Spain
This position looks like a Top Model photoshoot about bikini waxes. But I freaking love the disco ball costumes. I want to hang them in my house.
Canada
I had to show them to you again. In those hats, they're the jolliest clown trainees at the college. O, Canada, indeed. I cherish you all.