Matt "Scott Thorson" Damon
The first time we see Matt Damon, he looks straight out of the Blue Lagoon, and he's in a gay bar in West Hollywood being cruised by Scott Bakula. Yes, Scott Bakula. He quantum-leapt into the body of choreographer and Liberace pal Bob Black. I'm unclear whether Black was routinely a boy-picker for Liberace, or if just in this case he met Matt Damon and then was fine with handing him off to Lee. I guess if you were to meet Matt Damon and sleep with him, you might also think, "It would be douchey of me to keep this to myself. I should spread this wealth." But you would probably first think, "Man, this is going to piss off his wife, which is a shame because she seems cool and looks really good in leather pants."
Is that a candelabra on your piano, or are you just happy to see Matt Damon?
And the first time we see Michael Douglas, he's on-stage as Liberace, and it's amazing. You could turn off the power on the Las Vegas strip and just plonk him as-is on the street and nobody would ever notice the blackout. MD's nasal Liberace affect is also fabulous. Having him do a piece of Liberace's act, stale banter and all ("People ask how I play the piano with so many rings on... and I say, 'Very well, thank you!'" Cue canned laughs), was a smart way to dive into him as this character, and they did an amazing job grafting Douglas's head onto someone else's piano-playing body.
Cheyenne "Billy Leatherwood" Jackson
Cheyenne Jackson is a complete scream in this part -- basically, he is Liberace's exiting boy-toy, the older model getting replaced by Matt Damon's fancier new version. So he gets wheeled out on-stage in a matching suit for a duel of pianos, always sitting in Liberace's shadow, probably having been just as crafted to look like Lee as Matt Damon eventually is. I laughed out loud when I saw him, in a way that I'm certain was intentional. He is a delight. I feel like this is what Donny Osmond thinks he looks like.
Cheyenne
But the BEST part is that Cheyenne has almost no lines -- MAYBE two? -- and instead does a majestic chunk of face acting. No, there are capital letters. He is Face Acting. Here, he is chowing down on his post-show meal while listening to Liberace run what I assume is the same-old, same-old routine to charm a hot boy. He is chewing with bitterness, drinking with scorn, and then mouthing along in plain old mockery. Later, he flounces across open doorways, stopping long enough to heave a sigh and throw a poisonous glare. His face works almost as hard as Rob Lowe's does -- maybe more because he has no lines to go along with it. They need a new category for this. Best Dramatic Face-Acting in a Television Series. The nominees would end up being Cheyenne Jackson and, like, four soap stars -- you just know Victor Newman would work his ass off for this award.
Liberace and Matt Damon
Matt Damon is great in this movie, and he does slip into the role, but strangely I also can't stop calling him Matt Damon. Anyway, Scott Bakula takes sweet, patchwork-shirted Matt to the show to impress him, and Liberace smells fresh meat, and the two of them have this facial exchange. It's the only moment in the entire movie where I thought, "Man, Andrew Shepard is giving Good Will Hunting the BUSINESS."
Also, you need to know that Scott Thorson was supposedly 17 when this all happened, and while the movie does a great job youngifying Matt Damon, he never reads as 17 -- and if he had, I think it would've helped explain this all a little bit better. As it is, I never quite bought why he let himself get swept up in this because he seemed a bit too sensible and uncomfortable, which was at odds with his actions and dialogue. He never seemed naive enough, nor cunning enough (whichever you think Scott Thorson was). He is, however, hot enough.
Matt, Scott, The Marriage Ref
So at a house tour the next day, Matt's mop of hair is fluffed like a Roman angel's. Scott Bakula has the most glorious mustache this side of Sam Elliott, and a jaunty neck kerchief that I hope signaled to Liberace, "I have had this man, and now you may partake," or else Lee is about to commit a big party foul. And the other dude is a film producer played by Tom Papa, a.k.a. The Marriage Ref, a skill that might have come in handy here somewhere for poor Matt Damon. Imagine if Marriage Ref had been able to bring in an all-star panel of Soupy Sales, Suzanne Somers, and, say, Vicki Lawrence, to adjudicate as Liberace complains that Matt Damon is always a Top (this happens). And who wouldn't love to know what Sonny Bono and Betty White have to say about Lee's desire to adopt the man he's having sex with (also happens). Actually, maybe Woody Allen would be more useful for that one.
Agador Spartacus
And so here comes Liberace's houseboy, whose name is Carlucci or something, but who will always be Agador Spartacus to me. He is even DRESSED like a ref, and later kind of acts like one, albeit the very bad kind who keeps trying to get players he doesn't like ejected from the game. This ref throws a lot of flags. He also favors very tight trousers and a saucy swagger, and looks at Matt Damon as disdainfully as if Matt had just announced a fondness for labia.
Lee
You need to know that Matt's first house tour comes while Liberace is in a translucent white caftan and gold slippers. This makes sense, because, as they say, the first rule of candelabra is knowing when to air out what's behind it. Ahem.
Sexy time
As Liberace lays it on thick -- complaining about his "protege" Cheyenne and how he's stifling, claiming this intimacy is so refreshing for him that he simply must hire Matt Damon to take care of his animals -- the two of them are also naked in a hot tub. And watching this scene made me wish Hot Tub Time Machine had been about THIS tub.
C'mere, You
Obviously, Matt gets seduced -- it seems SUPER reluctant but then suddenly he's fine with it? I am never totally clear what their idea of Thorson's feelings are, but I had assumed he was young and naive and sucked in by the opulence; occasionally Matt Damon played this early part like he went along with Lee's advances just to be polite, or because he was bored. Also, I wasn't going to talk plot. Whoops. Well, to be fair, this slide IS just shirts. There are a lot of white shirts in this movie. Presumably the better to see the contours of a man's pecs, I guess.
Agador Spartacus
See? Even Agador Spartacus has one, which is perfect for the delivery of Lee's nighttime strawberries. Matt Damon appears to be thinking, "Do I have to wear one of those?" Oh, Matt, you have to wear so much more. By which I mean, so much less.
Vroom
The makeover montage is sadly short, but Matt gets a bunch of leisure suits, and Liberace takes him out to buy him a fancy car. Everyone seems very satisfied that Matt's hair matches his lapels.
Shoes
And now Matt has a pair of gold slippers all his own. Liberace is in a festive Christmas muumuu bedecked in tinsel. I'm a little shocked and disappointed that he doesn't have a Christmas muumuu MADE of tinsel.
Agador Spartacus
Agador Santaclaus puts on his sassiest bitchpants and dumps Matt Damon's fresh panini on the table. Matt counters with a divinely disdainful, "Did you bring my Fresca?" So Agador Santaclaus crouches down and makes Matt Damon stare right up his crotch as he announces that there were plenty before Matt and will be plenty after Matt, so he should just deal with the fact that he's nothing unique nor special. This is a miscalculation on Agador Santaclaus's part, because the person with the Masters in wang-charming is going to win every time. And so Matt stomps in and complains to Lee that nobody around there respects him, and then we see Agador Spartacus getting paid off ($150,000, if you're curious) and dispatched. But the BEST part is what Matt Damon petulantly stomps around WEARING. Get ready.
Rhinestone Wangboy
See what I mean about Matt Damon's Disco Balls? He should market this.
Liberace
But Matt Damon and his disco balls are shocked to learn that Liberace is disco BALD. As if to make Matt feel better about all this, Lee's big idea is to make Matt his wig wrangler. What a compliment. I wish Scott Thorson had been unable to resist the urge to try on the wigs privately, because THAT is the montage that I want to see -- him dancing around Lee's closet with a toupe slapped on top of his Blue Lagoon curls, eating bon-bons.
Lee
Instead, Matt becomes part of Liberace's stage show. The giant car with poodle detail (I think) on the sides is hilarious, but the 16-foot mink is totally insane. PETA was founded about three years after, and looking at this, I'm surprised they didn't call themselves Liberace Is The Devil And Must Be Stopped. I suppose "LITDAMBS" isn't as catchy.
Jeeves At Your Service
And Matt is the fake chauffeur, which I am certain ratcheted up that self-respect about half a notch. If Karl Lagerfeld had a marching band -- and why DOESN'T he? -- then I imagine each member would look like this. Please, someone, turn this movie into a football halftime show.
Jus' Chilin'
Now these two have on matching sportswear (the couple that stripes together... gripes together?), although obviously Matt's shorts are tiny and tight. We're also supposed to notice that he's eating up a storm and developing a paunch, because privilege and indolence and absurd wealth are making him soft. But the greatest part of the scene is that while they talk, and further bond, Michael Douglas makes the brilliant choice to stroke Matt's leg like he's coddling a cherished pet. It's SO apt. All of Douglas's mannerisms are incredibly natural but effective. It's really a tremendous performance. Please also note that, per the mirror there, from the back Matt's head is indistinguishable from most female local newscasters.
Liberace
After seeing himself on Carson, though, Liberace decides he looks like the crypt keeper and calls in a crack plastic surgeon to fix up his face. And when I say crack, I mean cracked out, and also, unable to crack, because he cannot move his facial muscles. I'm sure you've seen stills by now, but it doesn't make the reveal of Rob Lowe any less cramazing.
Nip/Tuck
Let's just drink this in, and understand that we're sharing something special (in fact, click on "full size" there under the photo so that you can CHUG this cocktail). Rob Lowe said he liked this approach because it's SO unnatural for a person to look that surprised without also having open and/or bugged eyes. He's right. It was worth every scotch-tape migraine he got. It's the creepiest, most majestic thing ever. It's creepjestic. That bottom right shot is poetry -- total Bizarro Chris Traeger. Parks & Rec needs to do an entire season where Rob Lowe looks like this, but with no explanation nor other changes to the character. PLEASE.
YES
Poor Matt Damon has kept on snacking. So Liberace hauls out a portrait of his young self and beamingly tells Rob Lowe that he wants Matt Damon to get some work done to look like that. Rob Lowe is like, OH YES, I CAN DO THAT. Clearly nobody in this era realized that a face like that is a plastic surgeon's worst calling card. Although I guess presumably he did not do his OWN surgery, but still, people, judge these books by their covers. Their covers are everything. There are no words on the pages.
HELLO
Matt Damon agrees to the surgery because basically, he's already barely recognizable to himself (which Scott Bakula partly points out, amusingly: "In gay years, you're Judy in the Sid Luft obese period"). But first, Matt gets thin again thanks to Rob Lowe's "California diet" -- which is pills, although if it were today, it'd be ridiculous juices and this story would've ended with him obsessively blending kale rather than snorting coke -- and we are treated to this movie's version of Wet Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. That actually looks more like a pair of ladies' panties than a bathing suit. Dear Matt Damon: Maidenform looks good on you.
Rob Lowe
Matt Damon wants a chin dimple even though Lee doesn't have one. Bless his frozen heart, Dr. Startz TRIES to have a facial reaction to this. He really WANTS to be a real boy.
Yikes
Which is apropos, given that the end result is that Matt Damon looks like Pinocchio.
Matt Damon
In some shots he seems plastic and shiny, and in others, just... pointy. He also doesn't necessarily look like Liberace; more like a classic distant relative of Jessica Fletcher in a Murder, She Wrote episode who is secretly hella pissed that she's visiting because people always freaking die when that happens.
Liberace
But since Murder, She Wrote doesn't exist yet, Liberace is less concerned with the antics of Angela Lansbury and more interested in securing Matt Damon's future. Namely, he wants to... adopt him. There is a lot of creepy banter about him wanting to be father, brother, AND lover to Matt -- all the family he needs, basically, except that when you are naked in bed with someone (as they were when Lee first broached it), it's super unsexy for them to express parental feelings for you. But once Lee has on his business caftan, he tells his lawyer the adoption is to make sure Matt is taken care of forever. And a man with a cavalcade of differently teased wigs would NEVER lie about anything that important.
Debbie Reynolds
I totally didn't recognize Debbie in this role. I knew she seemed familiar and was annoyed that I couldn't figure it out, but never cracked the mystery. She plays Liberace's mother, who seems either kooky or shrewdly controlling or both, and enjoys blouses that even the most sheltered sister wife would find sort of stuffy.
Matt
This facial expression is everything. It's some serious "Hang on while I patronize my kinda-mother-in-law/potential adoptive grandmother" bitchface.
Liberace
Lee seems a bit smothered, too, but comforts himself with the knowledge that his scalloped button-down shirt is Easter Bunny-approved.
Liberace
I know the stage costumes are all matters of public record, but it's still fun to ogle Michael Douglas in them. Incidentally, I caught The Skulls on cable yesterday, and Pacey's hair looks surprisingly similar to this, if slightly less voluminous. How quickly we forget (or forgive?) a feathered cowlick.
Liberace
I also love that Liberace apparently enjoyed doing his own cooking. And in a musical-themed apron, no less. I'm a little surprised it's so BASIC, but then again, nobody likes to risk getting food juice all over anything requiring major dry-cleaning. Assuming Liberace ever had an actual practical side.
Matt Damon
Matt, by the way, is really embracing the white-shirt thing. He is also embracing my grandfather's pants -- which I will give him, as it's era-appropriate -- and this shot made me wish that this particular Liberace tale ended with Scott Thorson becoming Siegfried Fischbacher and going on the road with Roy and their beloved tigers.
MORE
This is LIT'RALLY the most wonderful thing that's happened on TV in my entire lifetime.
Poor Matt Damon is hooked on drugs now, thanks to The California Diet, and Liberace wants him to stop. But Matt doesn't want to, and Rob Lowe argues that they're completely safe and all-natural, right before he leans back in his chair and makes a weird mewling noise. So again: SUPER trustworthy. Whenever I interview a new physician, I have several requirements: Can't Close Mouth; Must Rotate Entire Upper Body In Order To Turn His Head; Mewls Unexpectedly; Can Rock A Bob."
Happy Halloween
This portrait of Lee hangs in his house. It looks like a giant haunted Tarot card and will populate your nightmares.
Plushies
Somewhere in here, Liberace's mother dies, and he finally feels free. Bye, Debbie. I THINK he is celebrating this liberty by getting hammered and frisky in a limo with Matt, and outfitting them in matching furs. That's exactly how I want Jessica to celebrate in the event of my demise. Matt Damon will go along with it, right? Don't disrespect the dead, sir.
And of course, because they're incredibly inconspicuous, Liberace gets the idea to go to a XXX store. Matt is not in love with this plan, and indeed, it does seem foolhardy for a man who sued the British press for calling him gay... and won. Who knew Lee was an accomplished pianist AND tightrope walker?
Awesome
The image of them drunkenly loping into this crapfest of an establishment in those MASSIVE coats is tremendous. And obviously Lee goes into one of the private stalls in the back room for some pervy fun with a glory hole, and Matt wanders around uncomfortably looking for him until he gives up and barfs in the darkened hallway. This is like The Hangover: 1979.
Glow In The Dark Teeth
"PEEK-A-BOOOOOTH."
Liberace
But all is not well -- Matt is still on drugs, Liberace is not amused to be romancing the stoner, and Matt is getting paranoid because they never have sex and he sees Liberace cooing over other pretty young things. You see Liberace starting to use against Matt the very lifestyle he provided him, although it's nice that he has a constantly rotating supply of fancy dressing gowns for these arguments. Nobody wants to lay down the law in the same old ratty terrycloth thing that they got for Christmas ten years ago from Land's End.
Rings
This is what Matt Damon's jewelry case looks like. Well, BEFORE he starts swapping them all for drugs. I legitimately DON'T know how people do anything like play the piano, or even operate utensils, with that many massive rings on their fingers. It's like how the Williams sisters play tennis matches with huge heavy dangling earrings flapping around their necks. How does that not hurt? Is it innate? Maybe Liberace spent twelve hours a day at home training by tying ten-pound weights to each finger while he did his scales.
Liberace
I just realized this is the first time I've shown Dan Ackroyd, who plays Liberace's manager Seymour. This is also the shot where I realized Dan Ackroyd has, for this movie, essentially turned into Elliot Gould.
Fresh Meat
This is Lee's newest mark, so he dazzles the mustachiod prince with ruffled sleeves and sideburns and stories about the Oscars, while Matt Damon watches bitterly, having mostly morphed into Cheyenne Jackson (resentful, suspicious, but not yet blase) with cheek implants that could pierce skin. Partly because they may have once been arrowheads. I wouldn't put it past Rob Lowe to grab from the wrong jar in his operating room.
Matt Damon
This outfit is what I like to call his Indignant Figure Skater Phase. He's mad because it's obvious Liberace has moved on, and he is realizing that his entire life is tied up in Lee, and he has nothing else. So he goes to L.A. to take more drugs and choreograph a wicked routine to some Steely Dan.
Matt and Bakula
Then later, when his foster mother dies (sorry -- no time for pathos), Matt goes to L.A. for the funeral and returns home to find Scott Bakula there, breaking the news to him that Liberace has finally bedded the lip-fringed sweatervest. And the only thing more bewitching than Bakula's mustache is Matt Damon's bonus bitchface. Who knew he had so many flavors of it? He is the Baskin-Robbins of bitchface.
HUNK SMASH
Matt reacts by having a tantrum and destroying a room. It looks distractingly like a movie set that's designed in the image of a coked-up crabapple's hissyfit.
Awkward
Worse, Lee et al were all listening from the other end of the hallway, looking pityingly at the door as if to say, "Well, that was the worst one yet." Also, sometimes when I look at these stills, I feel like they could also be from a movie about Johnny Cash.
Sad clown
Matt Damon eventually gets kicked out of Lee's other residences for being a massive drug addict (and an inconvenience, and also, eventually Lee is going to need those other residences for when Sweatervest gets HIS marching orders). Matt haughtily demands all his personal goods, so Dan Ackroyd says he'll have them all ready for Matt to pick up while Lee is off at the Oscars. And it's basically four Hefty trash bags, barely filled. The best part is Matt wearing that damn mink while he loads the junk into the trunk. He looks like James Spader in Pretty In Pink, if he were a pimp.
Perjury
Matt tries to sue Lee, but in a farce of a deposition, Lee lies about every gift he's ever given -- claiming they were just friendly tokens and misunderstood gestures. And Matt is forced to admit that, well, he doesn't have any signed copies of any legal agreements (adoptions, etc.) because Lee's lawyer was holding onto all of them, and GUESS who can't seem to produce them now? Oh, Liberace, you were a cunning skunk. Also: more epic Damon bitchface. The chin really sells it. Paul Reiser also randomly shows up as Matt Damon's lawyer, seeming entirely too Paul Reiser. You can get past all the other famous faces in this movie, or at least be absorbed in their work, but suddenly Paul Reiser shows up and it's like, "Why is Paul Reiser pretending he's a lawyer? Where is Helen Hunt? Shouldn't they be fighting in their kitchen?"
Death
And then BOOM, Liberace dies. The sick-bed scene with Matt Damon is quite jarring -- shocking effects, and emotionally, simultaneously sincere and probably the same thing he told all his other men. But that IS a good gasp-worthy reveal, and besides, one can't fug a dying man, so I'll leave it out. Instead, I will fug his funeral, by suggesting that SURELY he would not have approved of something so restrained. For one thing, he'd totally have picked out new drapes to be installed for the occasion.
Matt
What the movie doesn't tell you is that after settling with Lee for peanuts, Scott Thorson continued battling addiction and was charged with some drug-related crimes, and is currently awaiting sentencing on an identity-theft conviction. Soderbergh, however, just tells us that Thorson -- getting the kind treatment presumably because this is based on his book -- lives in Reno. That is like saying, "After Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan lived in Los Angeles." Seriously, read his Wikipedia page: He apparently testified against a gangster, went into WitSec, and was shot five times in 1990. Among other problems. He is a soap opera. As The Candelabra Turns.
Big Finish
Anyway, Soderbergh apparently realized he had to end this thing with one more shot of Michael Douglas in full Liberace mode, so he has Thorson imagining Liberace doing one final stage show, flown up to his piano on a wire and speak-singing "Dream The Impossible Dream" in a pink cape. This may have happened at Radio City Music Hall and thus be based on an actual performance, but it reads like Matt Damon is imagining that Heaven has finally found the perfect lounge act for its pool bar.
Liberace
And it ACTUALLY ends with Michael Douglas being yanked up to Heaven/the rafters, after delivering the line, "Too much of a good thing... IS WONDERFUL." And I am glad we got to see him one more time in the regalia, but boy, this felt a tiny bit clumsy. And yet, I also find myself hoping other movies will end this way. Imagine how much more touching The Notebook could have been.