Jeremy Abbott Free Skate Disasterathon
This is about how it went for Jeremy in the long program. And I know he was skating to Les Miserables but he also looks miserables in this color.
Jeremy Abbott Short Program
Don't worry; he's not having a psychotic break based on psychically divining how often he was going to screw up his long program. This is just a James Bond/spy-themed program. But with all due respect to Jeremy -- who I actually quite like -- I don't know if that sort of thing really works for his on-ice persona. He works so much better when he's bubbly and jazzy and charming and light.
Max Aaron Free Skate
Max Aaron here won and he totally deserved it, because he HIT IT UP technically. He also looks appropriately costumed for someone skating to West Side Story. Just add switchblade!
Max Aaron Short Program
When he came out to skate his short program, Heather texted me, "IS HE SKATING AS TRON?" and then it turned out that YES HE TOTALLY SKATES TO TRON. Max might be a little bit literal in his costuming.
Ross Miner Free Skate
This is the classic "I'm not wearing a costume, I bought this whole thing at Banana Republic" costume.
Ross Miner Short Program
I would like to point out that Ross finished second this year, but he always does decently, and yet this is the FIRST TIME the photographers managed to get a shot of both his short program and his free skate. I hope this is because someone somewhere realized (like I did) that their photog has an unexplained but raging Miner hate and FINALLY told her not to always use him as a hot dog break.
Joshua Farris Free Skate
Joshua loves skating in formal sweatshirts the likes of which you might see on Dorothy Zbornak on a particularly exciting bingo night.
Joshua Ferris Short Program
I TOLD YOU.
Adam Rippon Long Program
The Getty photographer has transferred her bathroom break time to poor Adam Rippon: I had to take this off my TV. Normally, I would just let it go, but CLEARLY you needed to see this. He could be shot out of a cannon in this.
Adam Rippon Short Program
I'm not kidding when I tell you that I own the linen version of this shirt, and it's by Kelly Wearstler. Adam, if you also have a fabulous trellis-printed wallpaper idea for your breakfast room, then we are soulmates and we need to talk.
Jason Brown Short Program
I don't even remember seeing this program, but I knew I needed to share his ruffled top with you. Now that Johnny Weir has retired, men's figure skating is suffering from a vicious ruffle shortage.
Gracie Gold Free Skate
On to the ladies! I am thrilled to note that the PurpleBeige Tights Over Skates look seems to be dying out, as all three of the women who placed (Gracie here, Ashley Wagner, and Agnes Zawadzki) favor the classic white skates and standard issue tights. My blood pressure and I thank them.
Okay, Gracie! She NAILED her jumps in this program and was basically adorable, but she needs someone to tell her that even though TECHNICALLY the bodice of her costume isn't going anywhere untoward, a low strapless look plus a low low back makes her look a little too uncovered on the ice. Just...less is more. Wait. That's not what I mean at all. More is more.
Gracie Gold Free Skate
There was also a LOT of bum on display, mostly from skaters who just made the move up to the senior level -- Gracie was not the bummiest, not by a long shot, but she was the only one who was photographed. (Sorry, Gracie.) I don't know if this is how the kids are doing it this days, or if the newer skaters are just wearing cheaper costumes and those ride up something crazy, but you guys are elite athletes: Put your asscheeks away.
Gracie Gold Short Program
Gracie likes a bare top, doesn't she? This is lovely, though. (I actually don't mind the blue one, either -- she just needs a wee bit more coverage so we don't spend her entire long program wondering if her nipples are actually going to worm their way out of there.)
Ashley Wagner Free Skate
Ashley skated to Samson and Delilah and -- despite the "OOPS! I shoulda had a V-8!" pose here -- this costume is perfect for that. (She SHOULD have had a V-8, though, because she whiffed a couple of jumps in this.) I don't know if I will ever love any program of hers as much as I did last season's Black Swan long program, but this is well done, if perhaps a hint too busy.
Ashley Wagner Short Program
This seems like a more elegant way to do the open back.
Ashley Wagner Short Program
Even if the front is sort of aggressively boring -- this looks about two steps up from practice wear to me. I blame the spaghetti straps.
Agnes Zawadzki Free Skate
Agnes designed this herself, which is rarely a good idea, but I like it. It's very Black Swan, which skating is NEVER GOING TO ESCAPE. That is weird, though, because she's skating to Gershwin, but...whatever. It could read as Roaring 20s, too, right? Sure. (I like Agnes)
Agnes Zawadzki Short Program
Her short program, however, brought us the most bone-chilling statement ever: "Agnes will be skating to selections from Sex and the City 2."
It's a shame those words ever have to be uttered, because said selections are actually kind of good -- apparently, Romanticized Middle East is hot right now, with this and Ashley's Samson and Delilah routine, not to mention the approximately 75 people skating to Scheherazade somewhere RIGHT NOW.
Agnes Zawadzki Short Program
But I am kinda not feeling this costume, and it's not just SatC2 Fever talking. It's a little too Princess Jasmine and I say that as a fan of Jasmine -- among other things, she has excellent taste in throw rugs.
Christina Gao Free Skate
Christina finished 5th and she was lucky to do that well -- people in front of her totally imploded, basically -- but she can always congratulate herself for having some of the loveliest costumes. This is very pretty.
Christina Gao Short Program
She always just looks so elegant.
Courtney Hicks Free Skate
NO TO THE TIGHTS OVER SKATES. NO. There are many -- okay, some -- things you should take away from The Myriad Tragic Struggles of Rachael Flatt, but WEARING BLUE-TINGED TIGHTS THAT BEAR NO RESEMBLANCE TO YOUR OWN SKIN TONE OVER YOUR SKATES IS NOT ONE OF THEM. The color differential here isn't terrible, but on TV, the girl's legs were purple. AND WE ALL KNOW THERE ARE SKATES UNDER THERE. THIS DOES NOT GIVE YOU A CLEAN LINE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A RARE ANKLE GOITER.
Mirai Nagasu
I LOVE Mirai but she had a really rough go -- I think she had the flu. They didn't even take a picture of her long program, it was that rough. Poor Mirai. At least this was fun to twirl around in? Feel better, girl.
Meryl Davis and Charlie White Pairs Free Dance
These costume are better and more detailed-looking on TV than in this picture, and Meryl's extensions were really aggressively flapping all over the place. However, given that they're skating to "Notre Dame de Paris," I feel like his hunchback could have been better articulated.
(Calm down; I really do think they're great. I can't wait to see them go head to head with Virtue and Moir at Worlds.)
Meryl Davis and Charlie White Short Dance
This is to music from "Giselle," a ballet I know only because one of the heroines in one of the many many MANY books I read a child about talented English girls during wars was all het up about dancing it. When I SAW them, I thought she was Belle as Beauty in the Beast. And hoped against hope that he was skating as Gaston. No one skates like Gaston! (Goes on dates like Gaston! In a fencing match, nobody feints like Gaston!)
Madison Chock and Evan Bates Free Dance
From a distance, he looks like Will Ferrell to me, and I ALWAYS wish that were true and then I am sad.
Madison Chock and Evan Bates Pairs Free Dance
I don't even know what they're wearing. They skate to "Dr Zhivago" -- a musical selection that makes me want to stab myself in the ear -- but they look like they should be serving us fondue and then indoctrinating us into their cult.
Evan Bates and Madison Chock Short Dance
ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue Pairs Free Dance
Can we just revisit what they wore last season? Because this is tasteful, and that WAS NOT.
Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue Short Dance
Why don't you guys look sleazier this year? I'm sad. (Although Zachary DOES look like he just thought about shaving and then was all, "meh, whatever. I love my porny facial hair.")
Maia Shibutani and Alex Shibutani Pairs Free Dance
I feel like Alex is thinking, "I wish my sister's butt wasn't so close to my face all the time." Especially when she is dressed like a geisha. (Literally, they skated to music from Memoirs of a Geisha. I...find that brother-sister pairs occasionally drift into a weird place.)
Maia Shibutani and Alex Shibutani Short Dance
They do, however, continue to be ADORABLE. Her dress here is fantastic.
Kristen Nardozzi and Nick Traxler Short Dance Program
These two finished 12th, which means I will never know if they did a Toy Story-themed routine here. I pray that was the case. If so, IS THERE A SNAKE IN HIS BOOT? Because that seems dangerous, especially when ice-skating.
Lynn Kriengkrairut and Logan Giulietti-Schmitt Free Dance
You can't really find fault with these; classic, and I love a vest on a male skater.
Isabella Cannuscio and Michael Bramante Short Dance
These two didn't place either. Except in the championships I have sponsored, the 3rd Annual Jessica Morgan WTF ARE YOU WEARING FIGURE SKATERS? Championships, which they have won on the combined strength of this -- via which she reclaims for America the award of Best Skating Costume That's Actually Something An Old Time Hooker Would Wear -- and the next slide.
Michael Bramante and Isabella Cannuscio Free Skate
I can't.
Felicia Zhang and Nathan Bartholomay Pairs Free Skate
You can't tell as much here, but when watching this out of the corner of my eye on the TV, my brain kept trying to tell me that Bartholomay was Darren Criss. Listen, I don't know Darren Criss's life. I don't even WATCH Glee anymore. Maybe he's living a secret double skating life.
Felicia Zhang and Nathan Bartholomay Short Program
These are unremarkable, except Nathan's face is the color of lightly burnished toast and he's in costume as a crabby Don Draper on a family vacation he doesn't really want to take.
Alexa Scimeca and Christopher Knierim Pairs Free Skate
"Scimeca and Knierim" both sound like healing Germanic salves. "Oh, you burned yourself on an overly hot rasher of bacon? You poor thing. No, no, aloe won't help. Here, I picked up a tube of Scimeca when I was in the Europe this summer. Just rub it all over everything and it should help. If it doesn't, I think I have some Knierim in the back linen closet. But that stuff is really strong." Also, why is he wearing a faux vest when other people wear real vests? This is just one step above a tuxedo tee-shirt.
Scimeca and Knierim Pairs Short Program
Their short program ensemble is tres classique, though.
Marissa Castelli and Simon Shnapir Pairs Free Skate
These two won, despite the fact that HE MISSED AN ENTIRE SPIN AND HAD TO JUST STAND THERE WHILE SHE SPUN. Dick Button and I are plotzing right now.
Marissa Castelli and Simon Shnapir Pairs Short Program
These costumes say, "we can't be bothered with costumes."
Haven Denney and Brandon Frazier Pairs Free Skate
And now, let's transition to the skaters who didn't win anything but whose outfits can not be denied. For example, these two used to be roller skaters. AND THEY LOOK IT.
Tiffany Vise and Don Baldwin Pairs Short Program
This has nothing to do with their outfits, but it's such a crazy-ass move, I felt your life would be incomplete without seeing it.
See you at Worlds!