Miss Universe 2015: Chanel Beckenlehmer
Let's begin with OH, CANADA *headdesk*. I love hockey, too, but there IS more to your great nation. I mean, at least come dressed as one of Don Cherry's ties.
Here we have a small Stanley Cup on her head, a goalie stick, a uniform based on what hockey players on Team Marie Antoinette would wear, ten hockey sticks coming out of her back like some sort of sporty overachieving arachnid, and then a working scoreboard that is FULL OF NONSENSE. Scoreboards at hockey games tend to tally shots on goal, not number of penalties per team, and at the beginning of the third period it would not be 20-14 unless you are playing the drunkets hockey game EVER and your goalies are too busy throwing up by the side of the pond to notice what's happening on the ice. That score makes no sense for ANY SPORT.
Or did she just forget that it's 2015 and put the wrong symbolic score up there? WAIT: The Miss Universe Website is calling them the 2014 contestants, so maybe... they were their Miss Wherevers 2014 and now they'll be Miss Universe 2015, so.. look, in my eyes, they're still the 2015 contestants, y'all. DON'T BE CONFUSING.
Trinidad and Tobago: Jovan King
... So, is one side Trinidad and the other Tobago?
Miss Argentina Valentina Ferrer
These feathers are just too subtle for me. Why are they not on fire?
Miss Portugal Patricia Da Silva
Informative caption time: She's in a costume roughly depicting the Rooster of Barcelos, which is a national emblem for Portugal after featuring in a story about a dead rooster who comes back to life in time to save a man wrongly accused of murder. (Seriously, the rooster had been COOKED but stood up to crow anyway; that is some DRAMATIC STORYTELLING, kind of like when Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald was almost burned alive in her coffin on Passions). Although in this story, the rescuer was too late and the guy had already survived because the knot in his hangman's noose was faulty, so... the Rooster of Barcelos is a made-up hero AND kind of a tardy one, Portugal, but at least it looks good. My mom has one in her house somewhere because my family collects/collected roosters. (Our last name is Cocks. The other option seemed a little on-the-nose.)
EDITED TO ADD: This might be Miss Nicaragua -- she's one the photo services have all had listed as BOTH, which is inconvenient. But there are poultry faces on either side of her, so.... who knows. If it is Miss Nicaragua, then you should know she took the trouble in her bio to mention -- as a "fun fact" -- that she does NOT like onions. So WATCH IT if you are taking her Subway order. Don't get it wrong.
Miss Uruguay Johana Riva Garabetian
"My see-through skirt is for the uruGUYS AM I RIGHT????"
Miss Guatemala Ana Montufar Urrutia
She doesn't look like she's having the VERY best time balancing this on her head. Here is my favorite tidbit about her from her bio page: "Every time Ana sits beside someone, she feels an impulse to try his or her food. It doesn’t matter if her meal is better, she just needs to have a bite of their food." So DON'T THINK YOU'RE A BETTER ORDERER THAN SHE IS, y'all. IT'S JUST A COMPULSION.
Miss Venezuela Migbelis Lynette Castellanos
Miss V won last year, so this one probably doesn't have a shot -- no country ever seems to repeat -- but she certainly didn't let that stop her from going all-out as the national tree Tabebuia chrysantha. They should've had Groot host this. Could've made a love match.
Miss Indonesia: Elvira Devinamira
Miss Indonesia here MIGHT be wearing a wonky piece of construction -- doesn't it look like it's gone crooked even despite the camera angle? But it won't bother her. You know why? Ahem: "It is not surprising that Elvira has lots of friends and is loved by many people whom she has the opportunity to work with. People are touched by her sincerity, personal attention, compassion, and even her smile. Her smile is contagious and it warms everybody's heart. To sum up Elvira's personality: 'Elvira is a true natural beauty from the heart.'" The modesty just leaks from every word.
Miss Brazil Melissa Gurgel
I feel like some of these other countries out-Carnivale'd Brazil here. The train and the boots are dramatic, sure, but shouldn't she be balancing three cages of actual live tropical birds on her head or something? Here are her Fun Facts: She "always does handstands before she starts a workout"; "whenever she leaves the kitchen, she always double checks if the refrigerator door is fully closed" (which is not so much fun as SMART because I've been burned before); she "likes to scare her friends when they are distracted."
Miss Jamaica Kaci Fennell
Jamaica 1, Brazil 0.
Miss France Camille Cerf
"Listen, France has had a lot going on lately. I'm not in the mood."
Miss Israel Doran Matalon
"Yeah, we're busy too. I have this skirt. I don't know."
There was a whole to-do about Miss Israel and Miss Lebanon being in a selfie together with two other girls, to the point where Miss Lebanon had to take to social media to say she was trying DESPERATELY to stay away from Miss Israel but then Miss Israel just muscled her way in and took a selfie and RUINED EVERYTHING and... listen, if you can leave your politics at the door for the Olympics, shouldn't the Miss Universe women get to hang out and get to know each other?
Miss Germany Josefin Donat
Josefin is dressed as a chunk of the Berlin wall. This is taxing because she's supposed to be smiling at all times, but I think the creative idea here was to look super somber about Germany Before The Fall....
Miss Germany Josefin Donat
.... because then SHE RIPS OFF HER WIG except replace "wig" with "cloak" -- symbolizing the eradication of the Berlin Wall -- and suddenly she looks Thrilled To Be Free (and I actually like her dress). And then she lets go her 99-minus-91 weiße Luftballons so they can float in the winter sky.
Miss Australia Tegan Martin
Okay, Tegan here is in an outfit inspired by the "Aboriginal Dreamtime sunset," which was created using foldable tentpoles. Apparently it beat out one made of corrugated iron (Tegan must be relieved) and one inspired by STEVE IRWIN YOU GUYS WHY IS SHE NOT IN THE STEVE IRWIN DRESS.
Miss Czech Republic Gabriela Frankova
"I am dressed as an artist's rendering of a dinner special from the Taco Bell in New Prague."
Miss El Salvador Patricia Murillo
Patricia is really working that cranky-looking hat. But her chirpy, cheery bio page is full of The Sads. Take note: "Patricia fell into a lake while riding her bike home with friends from her job at the beach hotel. They all laughed and made fun of her." And, "Patricia once dressed up as Speedy Gonzalez at the beach hotel she worked at. The kids ended up hitting and pushing her. She had to take the costume off so the kids could recognize her." Also, her father died, and apparently she doesn't drink coffee because she's sensitive to caffeine, and she goes on about having to work overtime at her hotel... Patricia's page is like the polar opposite of the one that was like, "She is Mankind's Greatest Creation and Most Noteworthy Human."
Miss USA Nia Sanchez
I suspect I don't need to interpret this one. It's clearly a comedic and abstract ode to The Grapes of Wrath.
Miss Great Britain Grace Levy
Miss Great Britain is NOT EVEN TRYING.
But she makes up for it on her bio page. BEHOLD: Not only has she neutered a cat and sleepwalked into strange situations, but, "Grace was featured on a popular dating show called 'Take Me Out' and went on a date with a fire-dancing hippie who worked for Greenpeace. He had changed his name to Peace, and had dreadlocks down to his waist. Unfortunately, it didn't work out between them as he only washed his hair once every three months." You may come to our Cocktails With Broads conclave, Grace. Just once. For starters.
Miss Ireland Lisa Madden
This is inspired by Celtic warriors, and Great Britain, you have just been schooled and then waxed and then punched in the nuts by Ireland.
Miss Sri Lanka Avanti Page
Avanti, whose bio notes that she cannot ride a bike without training wheels, MADE THIS HERSELF. GREAT BRITAN I AM INCREASINGLY ASHAMED THAT YOU JUST WENT TO SEXYGUARDCOSTUMES.CO.UK.
Miss Sweden Camilla Hansson
"Um, I was told this was a group wedding...?"
Miss Puerto Rico Gabriela Berrios
"It's TOTALLY a wedding. ANY MINUTE NOW. ANY. MINUTE."
MIss Philippines Mary Jean Lastimosa
That skirt looks very Van Gogh to me. If you made this whole thing a TINY bit more insane, I might have believed that Rodarte made it.
EDITED TO ADD: Photo services were misidentifying people like mad and this IS apparently Miss Netherlands, Yasmin Verheijen, so THAT makes more sense. However, her bio says she loves to feed pigeons. AND THERE GOES THE SENSE.
Miss Thailand Pimbongkod Chankaew
Both our services mis-identified Miss Thailand but Google has helped me confirm that this is correct. I enjoy this, and also wonder if it was logistically maddening because someone had to make sure those beaded strands weren't crossing and going all wonkus on her.
Miss Myanmar Sharr Htut Eaindra
She is apparently only the second Miss Myanmar in 50 years because they don't always do the pageant. She looks cool as hell AND giant bows are so hot right now (thanks, Katniss), so well played all around.
Miss Belgium Anissa Blondin
I'm SURE she chose the nude shoes so that her feet wouldn't become part of this whole thing. If she were on a red carpet you KNOW I'd have been asking for something kickier. I have no idea what she's dressed as -- the national bird of Belgium is the common kestrel, so... not really this, although she IS in the colors of her flag, so maybe it's artistic license. Anissa stated that she wants to be "a beauty actress." Does that mean she wants to be one of those women in an infomercial for Nads, or something?
Miss Nigeria Queen Celestine
"Queen is a very humble girl with an amazing personality," her bio says, which I assume is a contradiction because I also assume she wrote it (or approved it) herself. Queen also seems wickedly displeased with the fact that her costume has turned her into a human pincushion.
Miss Colombia Paulina Vega
This is like "Singin' In The Rain" meets the sidewalk-drawing portion of Mary Poppins, and it makes me miss Isaac MIzrahi at Fashion Week, because he once did a collection where the models wore purses as hats and he would turn this into one HELL of a runway show.
Miss Ukraine Diana Karkusha
Diana "is an expert at rolling her body in unique ways," and "can hold hot objects for a really long time." Neither of which explains her outfit, but I feel like that thing is only a beat or two removed from a Valentino show.
Miss China Yanliang Hu
Ahem: "She once went to a police exhibition dressed in her mother’s police uniform, without her mother's knowledge. No one realized that she wasn't an actual officer and people voted for her to become the most beautiful “Miss Police Officer” as well as insisted on taking photos with her." Can't she be arrested for that? Not that I WANT her to be.
Miss Dominican Republic Kimberly Castillo
This is in honor of her country's patron saint, the Virgen de Altagraci, whose feast is on January 21 -- so, basically, she's RIGHT on the dot here. I kind of wish she'd dressed AS a feast. Piety does not a party outfit make.
Miss Spain Desire Cordero Ferrer
Nor does frocking oneself in the vague mien* of Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII's first and arguably least beloved wife (I mean, at least he stayed friends with poor Anne of Cleves because he respected her mind, even if he found her physically repulsive and -- allegedly -- smelly, which from a man with an oozing leg sore is NOT A COMPLIMENT).
* The words "vague mien" were meant to convey that I am not actually ID'ing this costume AS Catherine of Aragon; just that the descriptor given was "medieval garb" and while I'm sure she is meant to evoke Queen Isabella, C of A was her daughter and dressed similarly, and besides, any excuse to mention good ol' H8 in a post is welcome.
Miss India Noyonita Lodh
This is actually sort of amazing, on a lot of levels.
Miss Mexico Josselyn Garciglia
I enjoy this: "She is not a morning person and usually wakes up with an attitude of a little spoiled girl, which ends up being funny later." That is way more entertaining to me than, "When she opens her mouth, angels pause to listen for self-improvement tips." I also love her crazy peacock getup. If you are going full peacock, you HAVE to go big.
Miss Egypt Lara Debbane
Her bio is all about how she likes to play with dolls, including "changing their clothes, doing their hair, and acting out various scenes." I would love to be a fly on the wall for that one. I assume she acted out a HUGE fistfight between all the Miss Universe contestants in headdresses. Also, I want Julianne Moore to wear that to the Oscars.
Miss Georgia Ana Zubashvili
Ellie Kemper is going to play her part in the movie of whatever shenanigans go down backstage.
Miss Slovak Republic Silvia Prochadzkova
She wants to be a stylist. I feel like this is her audition. And... if I'm being totally honest, I would kind of love someone to show up in THAT at the Oscars.
Miss Ghana Abena Appiah
Abena "can speak and sing like a man" and "can burp more than 50 times in a row," so I assume that hat is a tribute to her volcanic intestinal tract.
Miss Honduras Gabriela Ordonez
This is magnificracked. She might be my winner.
Miss Italy Valentina Bonariva
Valentina's theme is that she is forgetful, I guess, because she shares that she once forgot her pajamas for a sleepover at a friend's house, and she once thought her car was stolen, only to realize later she had parked it somewhere else. And now, Valentina has forgotten that she's not performing in Shakespeare in the Park.
Miss Japan Keiko Tsuji
INFORMATIVE CAPTION ALERT: She is dressed as a Sojutsiu fighter, and the spear is called a yari. Somehow her face still stands out amid all the garb. She's totally cute. Not like any of these women are she-beasts.
Miss Lebanon Saly Greige
Out of courtesy I put Miss Lebanon far away from Miss Israel because I don't want to deal with whatever THAT fallout is. Her outfit is a sherwal, which is common to rural areas of her country, supposedly, and features low-crotched pants (thanks, Daily Mail I Know). I think she looks nice in it, AND, way to go on having national garb that lets you eat snacks.
Miss Lithuania Patricija Belousova
Interestingly, Patricija says she can never decide what to wear, AND she overpacks for trips. FINALLY, then, that comes in handy, as she had the perfect outfit on standby for the moment she felt like wearing nothing at all.
Miss Malaysia Sabrina Beneett
She collects receipts. No, really.
Miss Russia Yulia Alipova
Yulia names all her cars, gets lots of bruises, and is sure she will one day go to space (which is stuff I feel like Shoshanna from "Girls" would say of herself). But NOWHERE does she mention that she's auditioning to be our first ladypope.
Miss Singapore Rathi Menon
Singapore: the nation of... y'know, stuff.
Miss South Africa Ziphozakhe Zokufa
I don't know how she made her dress do that, but that's some next-level Top Model science she's dropping.
Miss St. Lucia Roxanne Didier-Nicholas
This is a modern take on the country's traditional dress. INFORMATIVE CAPTION: "The national or creole dress has it origins in pre-emancipation days when on feast days and holidays African women would depart from donning the dreary uniform or livre that slaves were provided, and would adorn themselves in bright finery purchased from the proceeds of their small garden allotments. The Jip (sometimes called the madras after the fabric used to make it) is derived from the Wob Dwiyet, a grand robe which was a variation of the European dress of the French settlers, but which has fallen out of use. Typically when we talk of traditional wear, we talk about women's wear. Men would wear black trousers, white long-sleeved shirt with a bow tie and a sash or either coloured satin or madras with black shoes and socks." Basically, she took that and turned it into hotpants.
MIss Switzerland Zoe Metthez
"Um, I'm not supposed to care if I win or lose. I'm NEUTRAL. Here's my flag. Deal with it."