Alissa Czisny Short Program
This is very sweet, and the program is very sweet -- the dress has a great back, of which I could not find a photo. It's all beaded on the back. Classic. Maybe a little twee?
Alissa Czisny Long Program
But I HATE her long program ensemble. I HATE IT. I have an issue when the women wear their figure-skating skirts that are too short -- it's not very flattering, in general -- but this is nuttily long. It actually looked like it physically got in her way at times.
Alissa Czisny Long Program
See? It's just WEIRD. I mean, maybe if this were a program in which she was skating as tragic WWI field nurse who fell in love with an amnesiac who accidentally turned out to be a Nazi -- whoops, wrong war -- than MAYBE.
Agnes Zawadzki Short
Agnes totally sold this short program. This dress is also actually more purple than blue, and also appears to be an homage to the NBC The More You Know graphic.
Agnes Zawadzki Long Progam
She seems to have a thing for dresses that appear to be sneaking up and choking here. Luckily, she herself did not particularly choke -- she finished in third. Still, a concerning sartorial metaphor.
Ashley Wagner Short Program
Speaking of choking....I'm also glad Ashley Wagner didn't, given that she has a habit of spending her short program, like, crashing into the wall and also onto her ass. She won this, and man did she deserve it. This outfit, too, is cute -- sassy and shiny without being SASSY AND SHINY.
Ashley Wagner Long Program
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE her Black Swan long program, and this costume is pitch-perfect.
Rachael Flatt Short Progam
Oh God.
Rachael Flatt Long Program
Ugh. Yes, you can see what looks like a black bikini bottom under there. The whole thing was sheer from about the rib cage down. And, listen. I have never been a fan of Flatt, even when she was in top shape -- technically, she's reliable, but she doesn't have a lot of charisma as far as I'm concerned. So I was not coming to this from, like, a Place of Yes. But this time around, even from my Place of No, she looked slow and under-trained. Which, HELLO, she's a Fancy Science Something Or Other major at Stanford, she's a freshman, and she's living in the dorms. It's amazing that she skated at all -- that's super impressive. But one can not serve two demanding masters, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect yourself to be a full-time student AND at the top of your game when you are participating in a sport that isn't school-sponsored, and therefore, isn't easy to work into your life. None of this, however, has any bearing on her outfit, given that she HARDLY EVER has looked well-costumed and seemingly has no one advising her on how to best flatter her figure. I want to just shake her and then give her a makeover and then ask her why HER TIGHTS ARE ALMOST PURPLE ALWAYS. NO ONE ELSE'S ARE THAT OFF FROM THEIR SKIN TONE.
Caroline Zhang Short Program
Caroline finished fourth, but I love her. So we get to look at her. This is, I think, lovely and classic.
Caroline Zhang Long Program
She's also very, very VERY flexible. The spin she does at the end of her routines, if you haven't seen it, is AMAZING. She basically just leans all the way backwards to grab her free skate and then pulls it all the way over her head. But. You know. Behind her head. It's AMAZING. As is this outfit, which is what I think they skate in on Star Trek (not a complaint).
Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig, Pairs
THESE TWO have been skating together for ages -- ten years, I think. I love when old people succeed in sports. Especially as an old person myself. Also: I think she is so pretty, and I love his vest.
Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig, Pairs
This was very ROMEO AND JULIET, which would have been more appropriate if they'd, uh, been skating to that.
Caydee Denney and John Coughlin, Pairs
They fully whiffed it in this one -- the routine, I mean, not exactly their costumes. Her dress is pretty, but he is kinda obsessed with v-necks and it drives me nuts. He needs a v-neck-intervention, as we recently saw on Happy Endings.
Caydee Denney and John Coughlin
I MEAN COME ON JOHN. What IS this? You look like you're wearing the Forever Lazy.. She, on the other hand, is barely dressed at all -- that outfit is almost all lace and has an open back AND the front is open to the waist, basically. What you can't see here, by the way, is also that she is wearing AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MAKEUP.
Caydee Denney and John Coughlin
GIRL. You are not an Eastern European gymnast circa 1983. DO NOT MATCH YOUR EYE MAKEUP TO YOUR OUTFIT. These two skated nicely -- they have this wicked long lift at the end that covers the whole ice -- but their taste level, I fear, leaves something to be desired. Also, can we talk about how AWKWARD it was when Andrea Joyce interviewed Coughlin's old partner -- who he ditched (I believe? Right?), and who is now partnerless? Andrea was all, "ANY PROSPECTS?!?!?" like an old relative who's really worried you're never going to get married, and Former Partner is all, "um, it's the middle of the season, so no?" Poor kid. LOOK FOR A HOT HOCKEY PLAYER, GIRL! TOE PICK!
Mary Beth Marley and Rockne Brubaker, Pairs
Yeah, this doesn't AT ALL reinforce how creepy they look together as a pair. You guys, she looks about 12 and he looks about 40. NEVER TIE A BOW IN HER PONYTAIL.
Brubaker and Child Bride
But I guess they're just ignoring how it basically looks like he's a 35 year old man who's taken up with a barely legal teen (she is actually 16, so....). It's not HIS fault he's a grown man (obviously) and it's not HER fault she's A CHILD (also obviously), but it really is weird to me that everyone's assorted People weren't all, "does this pairing kind of....creep you out?" On the other than, there is so much Dramatic Partner Swapping in Figure Skating right now, maybe we don't have to live with this for that long!
Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue, Dance
NBC chose not to show this routine, which is so annoying, given that he's wearing a jumpsuit with A SHEER BACK and she is excreting feathers. ALSO: Someone more up on skating gossip can confirm or deny this for me, but they're totally doing it, right? She, like, sucked on his neck at the end of the program NBC DID show.:
Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue, Dance
This one. I have to say, they're going to need to step up the outfits for this particular skate. He looks like a mortgage broker on his lunch break, and she kind of looks like the half-hearted hooker he picked up on the way back from Subway. If one of you is going trashy, you should BOTH look trashy, is my motto.
Maia Shibutani and Alex Shibutani, Dance
Oh the other hand, Maia and Alex here are brother and sister and OH MY GOD THEY ARE CUTE. This dress on her is all fringed -- it's hard to tell from the picture -- and it's AWESOME when she spins. The fringe, plus her ponytail flipping around all over the place, is just really adorable and youthful feeling. I can't help it. I love these two. I want to squeeze them.
Maia Shibutani and Alex Shibutani
And this program is skated to Glenn Miller and it is ADORABLE. ADORABLE. They are just so SASSY and energetic and spirited -- which is, of course, the place you need to go to when you're skating with your sister, rather than the Ew Are We Pretending We're In Love? place. And if you're going to wear Regular Dude Clothes on the ice, you TOTALLY sassy it up with a tie and suspenders and a seersucker shirt, ZACHARY DONOHUE.
Meryl Davis, Charlie White
You know how I feel about lamé.
Meryl Davis and Charlie White
They won, of course -- as they are hella skilled. You can't really tell from this photo that her dress is backless. It's lovely. Figure-skating: the one place in the world that illusion netting is okay. One nitpick: I think you can lose the fascinator at Worlds, Meryl. You are not dancing The Story of Kate and Wills. NOT YET OMG PLEASE DO THAT.
Adam Rippon Short Program
This looks like something from Figure Skating Salutes Communism.
Adam Rippon Long Program
When we were watching this performance before the SAGs, Heather noted that, out of the corner of one's eye, Adam rather looked like he was skating topless. She also noted that facially, he sort of looks like Kenneth the Page, and, you guys, it's TRUE. Come on, 30 Rock: You KNOW it's possible that Kenneth is secretly a great figure skater. Especially given that he's An Immortal. Lots of time to practice.
Jeremy Abbott Short Program
High-waisted pants are friend to no man, Jeremy. (Though this routine is very, very charming. I love big band routines, and he SELLS this one.)
Jeremy Abbott Long Progam
I think of this look as Abbott's Salute To Evan Lysacek. It's like MASCULINE and DARK and SERIOUS and could possibly be found on the walls of Banana Republic. It's just so DRAB in comparison to his short.
Ross Miner Short Program
Our photo service has something against Ross Miner. They NEVER have a photo of both of his routines. I don't understand it. It's like whomever they decide to send out to cover skating HATES Ross Miner and always ALWAYS use him to take a hot dog break. In fairness -- sorry, Ross -- his outfits ARE usually pretty boring. But come on! Third place! Take a shot of his long program! Give the kid some coverage.
Keegan Messing Long Program
This kid didn't place, but I just wanted to go one record with my great disappointment that, despite being dressed like this, he isn't skating a Salute to Gaston (of Noooooo Onnnnnnne Hits Like Gaston/Matches Wits Like Gaston/In a Spitting Match Nobody Spits Like Gaston! fame. He's especially good at expectorating, you guys.) Can someone please make that happen? Thanks. See you at Worlds!