Cate Blanchett in Armani
I don't know that I can say anything better about this than the haiku I wrote originally. Here: Cate loves metallics // like I love potato chips. // But, can’t wear those. Boo. Sexy iron sheath// makes Camelot wish chain mail// could look this gorgeous. Out of Diet Coke.// Sad. Tortured. Crushed. Off-topic.// Cate: Bring me one? Please? Guess it’s errand time// For Intern George. Cans, please, love! // Plus, I should post this.
Jennifer Lopez in Marchesa
I am about to say something super mean. I don't INTEND it to be. But looking at this photo... you know how we joke that people who don't age have a portrait under their beds, a la The Picture of Dorian Gray? What if Marc Anthony himself is her portrait under the bed?
Gwyneth in Zac Posen
I feel like this should have been prettier. But I really hate that we can see the bustier underneath it, and how wrinkled it got, and how it it's a bit too tight on her waist. Her hair and her lipstick, though, are great together.
Naomi Watts in Escada
This also should have been lovelier, but it needs a hoik. Maternity Chest needs extra love. It IS reassuring to see that Naomi has always been consistently good at neckwear.
Kate Winslet in Valentino
This would have been better on her if she still had her Rose-from-Titanic hair.
Beyonce in Armani Prive
This strikes one as a minty knockoff of Winslet's 2002 red Ben de Lisi gown. Also that fabric looks VERY David's Bridal in quality.
Lauren Hutton
Wow. Her waist is vomiting something that is, itself, barfing.
Joy Bryant in Elie Saab
I was double-checking an ID I found for this see-through Elie Saab, and there are some dresses in the 2007 collection I would love to see again. Check out slide 27. I want someone to wear THAT on Sunday.
Rashida Jones
Hmm. So she has a long history of not picking the best dresses, and not quite handling her hair.
Kirsten Dunst in Chanel
Oh Kiki. I feel like the top of this dress and the bottom aren't aware they're part of the same garment. The bodice also manages to be mad unflattering to her chest.
Cameron Diaz in Valentino
I forgot about her brunette phase. I did NOT forget that she wore this too-tight tablecloth.
Anne Hathaway in Valentino
Apparently it was a REAL BAD year for Valentino. (There was a matching big black bow in the back, right under her bum.) This is genuinely possibly the worst thing she's ever worn. Although I may eat those words someday.
Penelope Cruz
Penelope changed into this after the ceremony -- we'll get to that dress in a second -- and it seriously looks like she just found a disco pillowcase and belted it over her nightie.
Kerry Washington
I can't find a credit for this -- someone said Escada? I don't know. It's evocative of, but less successful by far than, Lauren Hutton's 1975 Halston, though, which makes all kinds of "iconic Oscar gown" lists.
Katie Holmes in Armani
Katie Holmes looks like she, too, is trying to figure out why this looks so weirdly sewn, and where the wrap stops and the skirt begins.
The stitching is less jarring from the side. But I still don't know quite how long the back really is.
Penelope Cruz in Versace
This has always been the Oscar look of hers that I remember.
Jessica Biel in Oscar de la Renta
This was so close. Great color, but it's wrinkly and nipply, and her hair is crispy-fried like KFC. Jennifer Lawrence did it better, also in Oscar de la Renta, in 2011. Hey, wait... was he copying himself?
Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga
At the time we made all kinds of cracks about whether the dress was holding her head on, but I've mellowed on that a little bit just because it fits so well. I do wish she had red hair but DON'T I ALWAYS.
Reese Witherspoon in Nina Ricci
I believe this means Reese wore Nina Ricci to all three of the big shows this year, shortly after Olivier Theyskens took over the brand with an eye toward appealing to a younger audience. I'm sure this helped. I actually rather like this dress, but it might need a tiny hoik and an updo and a necklace.
Michael Buble and Emily Blunt (in Calvin Klein)
This is pretty, but went wonkus on her when she posed with him.
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Proenza Schouler
We were nice to this at the time, but I don't stand by that opinion today. Too much about it is just slightly off.
Faye Dunaway
OH FAYE. Actually the workmanship in the poofy parts is really cool. I just.... don't know that I would have pieced it together thusly. Also, remember when she had a WB reality show, The Starlet, where the prize was a role on One Tree Hill? Good times. At around that time, the NYT wrote a story about her that included this line: "Ms. Dunaway recently played a dinosaur disguised as a human in a Sci Fi Channel pilot." I NEED TO FIND THIS.
Meryl Streep in Prada
Is the necklace the MOST to blame here?
Rinko Kikuchi
I need a macro on my computer for "It's pretty but please hoik it."
Jennifer Hudson in Oscar de la Renta
This was infamous. Andre Leon Talley apparently "sponsored" her and worked with her this year, and when she balked at wearing this, her stylist had another gown custom-made -- but ALT freaked out, and Jennifer put this on to calm him down, and it's TERRIBLE. WHAT WAS ODLR DOING. Even People, which is generally very nice, compared this to 2013 and called it "From Dowdy to Diva." It SUCKS for her that she felt disempowered to wear something she really liked. Her stylist maybe should have sucker-punched ALT
Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall
Hey, remember when The Client List was dating Band of Brothers' Liebgott? BOY were they into bronzer.
Kelly Preston
This was not long after her infamous "Scientology ROCKS" exclamation. The universe may have been getting back at her.
Rachel Weisz in Vera Wang
Very lovely, but VERY bridal.
Sally Kirkland
Contrary to what this photo implies, the most important thing to know about this Sally Kirkland ensemble is that THE TOP WAS SEE-THROUGH.
Sarah Michelle Gellar
And then Buffy showed up, trying to look beautiful in a paper bag. Her head certainly is working it.
