Naomi Campbell
Cleopatra just rolled over in her tomb and said, "Bitch, please. I didn't pack that much toilet paper for my entire afterlife."
Shalom Harlow
The juxtaposition of this outfit with the cork sandals on the woman on the left of the frame is magnificent. One says, "Seriously, I can't break my feet tonight," and the other says, "Want to go back to my cocoon later? I just got Cinemax."
Doutzen Kroes
For a dress that is ostensibly a huge statement, this is... kind of blah, no? Like a little bit of red packing material sewn to a Land's End tank top is going to blow my mind.
Iman
Jessica and I agreed that we kind of can't help finding this hilariously magnificent. Yes, it's a jumpsuit, technically. Yes, it's WHOA. But Iman is selling that like it's the last maxi pad at summer camp. It's like if Tina Knowles hit her head on the toilet, discovered taste travel, and went to get some so she could redo this Beyonce classic as an actual non-horrifying exercise.
Carolyn Murphy
Every guy remembers his first, so I just know that somewhere out there, Billy the Kid is looking at this photo and thinking, "I remember when she Kind Touched me in the outhouse for fifty cents and a shot of moonshine."
Crystal Renn
This is sort of intriguing, like if Marmee from Little Women forgot to get her outfit pressed. Also, Crystal Renn is totally skinny. For those who don't know, Crystal went public with her struggles with anorexia as a teen model, got healthy and relaunched herself as a plus-size girl who walked in all kinds of fancy-pants shows on her way to admirable success (and maybe provided proof that plus-size could really maybe happen), and then she suddenly started appearing places looking slimmer and slimmer and slimmer again. Kind of like the time Jennifer Love Hewitt was photographed looking curvy in a bikini, loudly stuck up for girls of all shapes and sizes, and then embarked on a monster diet to stickify herself again. I'm not saying any of these girls are obliged to be or remain poster children -- they can do whatever they want, as long as they do it in good health. I just find it interesting that in this day and age, one of the few actual curvy girls who seems genuinely to be all, "Yeah, screw it, I'm curvy but I'm still awesome" is... Jessica Simpson.
Raquel Zimmerman
Hey, does Liza Minnelli run a mortuary? I'm just asking because she might want to make sure it hasn't been robbed.
Raquel here is best-known to me as being in Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" video. And typing that just made me realize that Lady Gaga, of all people (given that she was a McQueen devotee), did not attend this gala that paid tribute to him. Too bummed? Too annoyed that there is a groundswell of Gaga backlash? Too busy making jodhpurs out of lamb shank?
Natalia Vodianova
If you inflate her knees, she floats.
Miranda Kerr
Can I go ahead and declare ballet over for a little while? Just, like, six months. Please.
Jessica Stam
Yes, ballet is out -- it's Glinda the Good Witch's time, bitches. Question: If this bodice is clearly too narrow to fit THIS tiny girl properly, then for whom was it made? A toddler?
Lily Aldridge
Lily here is apparently engaged to one of the Followill brothers from Kings of Leon. Wikipedia says they met at Coachella. And that is how I suspect it might be true love. Because if you meet someone while you both are sticky and sweaty and probably smell like one of the food stands, and you STILL want to get down on it, then it's got to be real. However, this dress is like the opposite of Coachella. It's simple, kind of boring, won't attract a crowd, and has no beer tents.
Karolina Kurkova
This is like two dresses in one, as if Lord Voldemort in his smoke form got really hungry for some refined carbs and sugars and went straight for the whitest thing he could find.
Chanel Iman
This is totally the bridesmaid version, or as Lord Voldemort would put it, an appetizer.
Karen Elson
To me this looks like a hybrid of Iman's Jumpsuit of Yes, and something fellow redhead and transparency-addict Florence Welch would wear. I am desperately concerned it will rot right off her body.
Joan Smalls
This is kind of cool, in a very severe way. But I wish the whole thing were sparkles -- the second-skin-lace look is starting to make me wonder if imaginary skin rashes are the new black.
Elettra Rosselini Wiedemann
I wish I could snip off the train -- this Grecian look would be funky enough without it; as it is, it looks like she had an unfortunate static-cling moment with a tablecloth.
Caroline Trentini
This is very pretty, very delicately made. Wouldn't it have been awesome, though, in a rich raspberry, or peacock blue? Anything other than the same color as the rest of her.
Brooklyn Decker
Wow. That is, palatte-wise, the exact opposite of what we just saw. It's a credit to Brooklyn Decker that I'm still able to notice her pretty face. Actually, this is pretty sleek and flattering, and I'm surprised I like it as much as I do, considering I'm now seeing sun spots because I stared right at it. The fact that she is truly gorgeous helps. Note to all: Do not wear this if your face is not a triumph of genetics.
Bar Refaeli
This is kind of fun and Egyptian -- very striking; looks as if her knees are being embraced by a gilded phoenix's wings, or something. I approve.
Anouk Lepere
The pitch-black belt sides on this loud dress gives Anouk Lepere the illusion of a REALLY crazy frame. I don't know. To me it looks like the backdrop of an Angry Birds level.
Hilary Rhoda
Methinks Hilary stole this from SWINTON's closet and hemmed the floor-length skirt with her teeth.
Angela Lindvall and Karlie Kloss
Both very pretty, both very sparkly, but I'm giving this one to Angela because Karlie Kloss's makeup and uncomfortable-looking posture are making me want to wash my face and do ten minutes of Child's Pose.
Amber Valletta
Amber. RUN. The last time I saw those earrings, it was in Desperately Seeking Susan, and some creepy guy tried to rip them out of Madonna's ear. Or was it Rosanna Arquette's? Or both? Okay, fine, so not all the nuances of that movie stuck with me. THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY.