The venue
I have no idea when this happened -- I assume at the end -- but it looks so effective that I had to kick off with it. Like it's raining glowsticks, or something.
Batman and Robin
So, the show kicked off with Michael Caine counting down in a clip from The Italian Job, and then Batman and Robin hopping out of an exploding car. This is a nod to a moment from the sitcom Only Fools and Horses, but... see, this was my whole problem with the opening ceremony. I know it's fun for the Brits in attendance, but it's SO inside as to appear a little exclusionary. Even Costas was like, "Uh, and for some reason, Batman and Robin are here...?" and he was commentating the damn thing. Having said that, I do think the closing ceremony is a better time for stuff like this than the opener, and hey, everyone loves capes and tights.
Timothy Spall
And then Peter Pettigrew popped out of Big Ben.
Madness
This performance of "Our House" was... fine. Mostly, it was noteworthy for the fact that a) if you look closely, you can see that behind the dude in the Union Jack kilt and the fez, there is a PA in a headset who walked across the shot in the middle of the song; and b) oh, right, THERE IS A DUDE IN A UNION JACK KILT AND A FEZ. Hello, Halloween! Wait, what am I saying? Hello, Tuesday.
Lee Thompson
And then, for his sax solo, they went ahead and launched him into the air on a pulley. Good day at the office.
Pet Shop Boys
Hey, this is a neat coincidence: When I think of the Pet Shop Boys, I frequently imagine the offspring of an interplanetary orgy between Catwoman, the Coneheads, and actual traffic cones.
One Direction
Let's see. Timberlake did corn rows; this kid curled his hair up over the brim of his hat. I'm going to call that a draw unless the hair actually comes OFF with the hat, in which case, NSYNC, your legacy will lose this one.
Choir
This was a really nice moment -- a choir came out and sang "Imagine," although when I looked up at my TV for a second I thought their shirts said "Vagine," and I was like, WHAT MADNESS IS THIS. Fortunately, it was instead very touching and involved no potential shorthand for ladybits.
John Lennon's profile
They also did this thing where people carried over pieces to assemble a likeness of John Lennon. Naturally, NBC only popped to this as an afterthought. Like the Decathlon.
Lennon
Look how cool that is from above, though. Sniffle. I kind of wish they'd put THIS in the opening ceremony, though I can see where it's emotionally apt for the end -- reminding us that the unity of the Olympic spirit could and should extend beyond just these two weeks. Also, there was no room for it, what with Voldemort vs. The Poppii.
George Michael
George Michael came out and basically... looked exactly like George Michael has looked for the past fifteen years, and will probably look for the next fifeen. It would've been cool if they'd had the forthcoming parade of models DURING "Freedom '90," as an homage to the video, even though they weren't all the same models. But maybe that would've been sacrilege.
Naomi Campbell
Nonetheless, we took a brief musical respite for a segment about fashion. I like to imagine that Naomi Campbell asked to take that home so she could install it as her bathroom floor.
Naomi Campbell
So, of course, the models all did a catwalk, and Naomi owned it like the boss she is.
The models
No model convention is complete without their Armageddon moment.
Nathan Adrian
And then they cut to swimming cutie Nathan Adrian, who grinned goofily and then made this face, which could either mean: 1) "This doesn't suck"; 2) "This makes no sense to me because I can't hear what Seacrest is saying, but I'm not mad at it, either"; or 3) "Do you think they saw me swim? They probably did, right? They did. Right?"
Kate Moss
Yeah, okay. I'm on record as not being the hugest believer in Kate Moss as a fashion icon, but... she looks freaking fantastic here. I can't deny it.
Annie Lennox
Annie Lennox got to ride out on the prow of a boat with a half-naked man in chains and a bunch of Death Eaters. If Bellatrix Lestrange had been a pirate, this would've been how she rolled.
Annie Lennox
Come to think of it, it's not all that far removed from how Helena Bonham Carter rolls NOW.
Grr
And then, they spent an hour on a moving homage to how using caps lock means you're REALLY REALLY SINCERE.
Jessie J
During the crapout on my TV, Jessie J showed up wearing the black plague.
Jessie J
There is more failure here than in Crystal Pepsi and New Coke combined.
Russell Brand
It is ENTIRELY feasible that Russell Brand wasn't supposed to be involved in this at ALL, and he just accidentally drove into the arena while making his usual rounds.
Russell Brand
I was going to make a joke about how this is a still from Russell Brand's stage reimagining of Willy Wonka crossed with Hair, and then I Googled it and found out he did actually sing a song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so... does this mean I speak fluent Brand? Should I seek treatment for that?
Fatboy Slim
And Fatboy Slim cruised in on a giant inflatable electro-octopus, as one does. Mine is in the shop.
Marisa Monte
Even Brazil's Marisa Monte, as part of their "We've got next" presentation, got a vehicle: A float built into a dress made of umbrellas. In your FACE, Rose Parade.
Emeli Sande
Compared with Octopussy and The Brolley Trolley, a flatbed wrapped in newsprint is kind of a comedown. (Okay, the Internet claims that this was actually earlier in the show, but I apparently missed it. So I went for the juxtaposition of those other two, what looks like the truck that will have to tow them to the impound when they're illegally parked later in front of Parliament.)
The Spice Girls
AND THEN. Look, this is major enough that I'm going to go ahead and do a whole separate slideshow on them (coming up next, so stay tuned, Fug Nation). But other than coming out on the backs of the men's diving team, riding in on Spice Trucks (well, taxis, but let's not be so fussy) is pretty much an ideal entrance.
Oasis
I have no idea how the Gallaghers were brought in, but if they didn't get some kind of vehicular cavalcade, I fear they will ignore their own advice and look back in anger.
Matt Bellamy
Someone tweeted us that they suspect Jessica probably covets the jacket on Matt (aka the Muse frontman, aka the future next Mr. Kate Hudson), and that may well be true. Personally, I hope someday she arrives at my house wearing it WITH the matching pants, with a copy of that shirt in my size.
Eric Idle
Okay, THIS is right when my TV came back, and I'm so glad it did. My dad loved Monty Python, and Life Of Brian, and so I've known all the words to "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" since way before it was probably socially appropriate. So when Eric Idle popped up and led the arena -- including Prince Harry -- in a singalong, I got totally misty. THIS was perfect. This was exactly the right personal touch that could also be appreciated by the world at large. And speaking of large, I cherish everything about this photo.
Jessie J and Brian May
So naturally, there was a comedown in the form of Jessie J singing a really rather inferior "We Will Rock You" with Queen guitarist Brian May -- and doing it in a one-legged costume accessorized with thick hose in the color of Silly Putty that has a raging case of jaundice.
Jessie J and Brian May
Brian May is like, "I wonder why Jessie J gets to come out twice. And which of her outfits was worse? And why is she offering up her pelvis as if she means for me to eat fish and chips off it? Human tables are so '80s."
Phoenix
As the torch flattened out and prepared for The End, this phoenix rose out of it, signifying either that a) the Olympic spirit never truly goes out, b) the Olympic spirit will be carried on to Rio on its wings, or c) Stefano DiMera will be making an appearance soon that may involve kidnapping Jessie J and imprisoning her in some catacombs that conveniently come equipped with a guillotine, and/or suspending her over a vat of acid.
The Who
I shall skip over Take That, because the lead singer just had a family tragedy a few days ago. The evening therefore concluded -- After Your Local News, of course -- with a performance by The Who, which was great. I am only saddened that the Queen did not attend, and therefore I was robbed of my life's ambition of seeing her rock out to "Baba O'Reilly."
Yay
Sniffle. Thank you, London. You looked beautiful (seriously, hard to complain about the slavish beach volleyball coverage when that venue was so spectacular to behold) and you did the Olympics proud. Next time, please shell out for ALL the surviving members of Monty Python, okay? I know they'll have to be thawed out by the time you get the games again, but I promise it would be worth it.