Susan Lucci

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, but if I try hard enough, my smile might stretch onto at least three adjacent channels."

Melody Thomas Scott

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and half my face is way more excited than the other half."

Lisa Rinna

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and I look the best out of almost everyone here. WHO KNEW? But if you mention that Depends ad to me, I will gut you like a salmon."

Barbara Walters

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HOLY F'ING F, AM I SEEING THROUGH BABA WAWA'S DRESS NO SWEET LORD NO oh, wait, no, it's a slip. Carry on."

Jonathan Jackson

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and my tie is on LSD."

Laura Wright

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, so, you know... eh."

Sharon Case

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, so I'm not going to bother finishing the bottom half of my dress."

Rebecca Herbst

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, but I will still try to make myself an interesting dress, because I AM A PROFESSIONAL, EVEN THOUGH GENERAL HOSPITAL FIRED ME ONE TIME FOR TWO SECONDS UNTIL THE FANS REVOLTED, SO I AM BACK BEFORE I EVEN LEFT, SUCKERS. NICE TRY."

Elizabeth Hendrickson

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and I'm about to watch it from bed with a bottle of champagne, some chocolate-dipped strawberries, and a gentleman caller who slides off my marabou slippers to give me a foot rub."

Jacqueline MacInnes Wood

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN... in THIS galaxy; But I'm using my ab crystal to transmit the signal to my mothership. Without written consent. If anyone wants to sue me over it, I'll be happy to liquefy their bones."

Chrishell Stause

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, sure, but dammit, I'm just happy to be here."

Kristian Alfonso

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and I haven't aged in fifteen years."

Kim Matula

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, but I'm pretty sure I should be on True Blood as the long-lost sister to that one redheaded girl who's hooking up with the guy who has all the sex. Oh, come on, you know the one I mean."

Melissa Claire Egan

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, but my cleavage is hoping for a shot at the WWE."

Michelle Stafford

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and my color wheel is set to 'Tequila Sunrise.'"

Alicia Minshew

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, and this dress is on me. No, really. It's ON. Like, I might have to cut myself out of this sucker."

Rachael Ray

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, which sounds like one of my cockamamie abbrevs for something in the kitchen, or for something ill-advised. Like, 'This dress on my torso is totes HLN.'"

Judith Chapman

This says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on?!? I must go. But I mustn't be seen. Wait, no, I absolutely must be seen, but I mustn't be recognized..."

Judith Chapman

"... except, oh, go on, you devils, you can recognize me a BIT."

Judith Chapman

"... or even FULLY, if you want to. Actually, you are welcome to bask in knowing who I am. Because I need you to know EXACTLY to whom to send some free makeup blending sponges."

Debbie Gibson, Jack Hanna

And THIS says to me, "The Daytime Emmy Awards are on HLN, so it already CAN'T get any WORSE, right? So we might as well go balls-out cracky."

Fug and Fab the Daytime Emmys

The state of daytime soaps is so lamentable -- THERE ARE ONLY FOUR LEFT; hug them while you can -- that this year, they broadcast the Emmys on... HLN. Yes, the network formerly known as CNN Headline News, or CNN2, or That Place They Put The Newsreaders Who Aren't Good Enough For Shows Where They Have Fancy TV Monitors And Get To Talk To People. [Photos: Getty, WENN]