Romania: Cezar, singing "It's My Life"
So yes, this is Cezar, a singer and possibly also a spleen-sucking loon who would like to turn our intestines into a parking lot where he keeps armored cars filled with rapiers and bazookas that shoot jam. I encourage you to watch his performance immediately. It is magical. I promise you the vocals do not go where you expect them to go. (I'll wait. Are you there yet? You'll know... okay, you're there, and AM I RIGHT?)
I also need to share with you that Cezar's song includes the words, "Love is so true, I can paint my world in blue." Except he paints it in red, so I am concerned he is either color-blind or just really not that attentive to detail.
Romania: Cezar, singing "It's My Life"
I can't remember if his giant dress birthed this person, or if she popped up from somewhere else. But it's always nice when interpretive dancers unexpectedly spawn.
Romania: Cezar, singing "It's My Life"
And obviously, a bunch more were hiding under the giant placenta at his feet.
Romania: Cezar, singing "It's My Life"
Obviously this all ended with him staring down another artificially tall person, just so we know what it will look like when the giants people the earth and force us to watch their soap operas.
Romania: Cezar, singing "It's My Life"
And, pyrotechnics. I have questions: Supposedly he is an opera singer, but.... I mean, was he lip-synching to someone else, and that was part of the gimmick? Jessica posited that Cezar would never lie about his range, but as I noted, he DID lie about his HEIGHT. Surely he can't have been faking because that wouldn't be allowed, but... it was hypnotic. I wanted it to stop and yet also needed it to go on forever. He placed thirteenth, which I think is one big reason why theatrics are trending down: People think you can't win unless you're performing as a barefoot waif with piper.
Denmark: Emmelie de Forest, singing "Only Teardrops"
Speaking of, the winner was a barefoot waif with a piper. To be fair, she also had two drummers and some orange lights, and a weird propensity to sing the song while beaming widely despite the fact that it's about people fighting and tearing each other apart emotionally. It's like people who use "One" by U2 as a wedding song just because it's slow, or somebody crooning "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" while pumping fists and grinning. So weird.
Denmark: Emmelie de Forest, singing "Only Teardrops"
You also need to know that every time the piper did anything, the crowd went WILD. Is he the Ryan Gosling of Danish pipers? He actually kind of looks like the Nordic version of Alaric from the Vampire Diaries. Nordic re-enactments of CW shows would be an excellent staging idea for future years.
Ukraine: Zlata Ognevich sings "Gravity"
This is the best thing that's ever happened... and it was the first ten seconds of Ukraine's performance. The giant viking walked out, deposited her on what looked like a melted tree stump, and then left as silently as he arrived. AND SHE CAME IN THIRD (I think). This is not acceptable, Eurovisioners. You cannot reward someone who brings in a giant viking and then IMMEDIATELY BANISHES HIM BACKSTAGE. He at least has to pillage something in the background, or start breakdancing, or cook a mutton sandwich. What if he's the Martha Stewart of vikings? WE WILL NEVER KNOW. Can there be a rule that Special Guest Stars have to last as long in your performance, proportionally, as Heather Locklear did on Melrose Place?
Moldova: Aliona Moon sings "O Mie"
This act started out with a man playing piano in a fringe-backed shirt, which I hope turns out to be an old Moldovan tradition.
Moldova: Aliona Moon sings "O Mie"
Remember Carrie Underwood's giant video dress? Somebody was clearly a BIG fan.
Moldova: Aliona Moon sings "O Mie"
And I do mean big, because in the middle of singing a platform raised her up to the rafters and she stood there, ten feet tall and being struck by computerized lightning. ALSO an old Moldovan tradition dating back to viking years, I ASSUME, because it's not like there's a PERFECTLY GOOD VIKING NEARBY WE COULD BRING OUT AND ASK, or anything.
Moldova: Aliona Moon sings "O Mie"
And her dress is SO MAD about the misspent viking that it gets flames on the side of its face. Heaving... breathless... heaving breaths...
Moldova: Aliona Moon sings "O Mie"
And someone in the crowd is so enraged by all this that he/she starts waving around a giant inflatable hammer, which ALSO might be in grand Moldovan tradition, because as the saying goes, "When a viking is made pointless, we all get hammered in different ways."
Serbia: Moje 3 performing "Ljubav Je Svuda"
This played out like two waitresses at a circus diner fighting over the new girl. The lyrics are all over the place but they imply that the outer two are the angel and devil on Blondie's shoulder giving her competing advice her boyfriend and whether she can build lasting love with the strapping, ageless viking she bumped into in the bathroom line. The translation is a gem: "When he cheats on you // then your heart will be just fish food // You know that" and "I will try everything with him and maybe something else." Kudos for the costumes, though. Never has satin been put to such cheerfully nonsensical use. But the best thing about it is how crabby the middle one seems half the time.
Finland: Krista Siegfrids sings "Marry Me"
Welcome to fabuous Ding Dong, everyone. I'm not sure I can say it any better than the sign already does. If everyone in Ding Dong gets masked butlers in this vein then I am moving there tomorrow.
Finland: Krista Sigfrids singing "Marry Me"
So, as she sings -- and they are lines like, "Spying on you undercover, drinking coffee with your mother // Am I getting closer? // Baby, I feel like a sinner, skipping dinner to be thinner // Where is my proposal?" -- they go through preparing her for a wedding, including plopping a giant veil on her head, and she beseeches the person to marry her, to PLEASE marry her, and the whole thing feels very retro-flavored and weird because she's essentially begging someone to put a ring on it and prostrating herself and promising to do whatever that person wants...
Finland: Krista Siegfrids singing "Marry Me"
And then at the end, she swerves it into a progressive conclusion by singing the last line to one of her ladies before kissing her (here is the full performance). And then they jump up and down like they just won -- and given that I heard some Powers That Be asked them not to do the same-sex kiss (certain countries were threatening not to show their act), I don't blame them for feeling like their defiance was a victory. Hooray for you, Finland. Please write a better song next time so that you can win at Eurovision as well as win at defying The Man. Also, the viking would have made a wonderful maid of honor. I'm just saying.
Belarus: Alyona Lanskaya singing Solayoh
Of this, someone live-tweeted us during the semis, "NOT A DRESS, BELARUS." And then, during the finals: "STILL NOT A DRESS, BELARUS." I'm not sure I can add to that (except maybe the awful wordplay, "What the HELL-arus"). At no point in the proceedings did it become a dress. It MIGHT have aspirations of being a leotard. And I'm pretty sure Forever 21 sells a ton of those tops around New Year's Eve. But a dress? No.
Belarus: Alyona Lanskaya singing Solayoh
Also, before singing, she was birthed from a disco ball. So maybe that "dress" is actually just the placenta.
United Kingdom: Bonnie Tyler singing "Believe In Me"
Y'all. Bonnie was not in her best voice, and the song felt like one of those truly egregious ballads penned by a room full of robots for the American Idol winner. Which is all very well and good if you bring the spice on-stage, but seriously, she tried to get away with stapling a bunch of fabric samples to her hip and then standing on a hydraulic platform. That is the weakest sauce. That is sauce that has been incorrectly and insufficiently reduced. Even the viking is like, "Girl, if you'd just asked, I'd have spun you around over my head for a minute FOR FREE."
Bulgaria: Elitsa Todorova sings "Samo Shampioni"
You guys need to read the English lyrics to this thing because I swear, somebody wrote it while watching their Hunger Games DVD. Certainly the "Eeeeeeeeeeee // Aaaaaaaaaaa" part, but mostly the bit about how they want young boys and girls and the village will gather and there will be champions. I can only assume, then, that the stage performance represented one of Panem's inhabitants working on their version of a Flat Stanley photo album.
Slovenia: Hannah sings "Straight Into Love"
"Straight Into Love" sure SEEMS like a typical soaring love ballad, but when you people the stage with dancers dressed as hybrid Welder Gimps, it takes on a special poignancy. Who knew Flashdance and Pulp Fiction could ever meet?
Greece: Koza Mostra sings "Alcohol Is Free"
This is the greatest song ever written. Apparently, Greece almost didn't send a delegate because of the financial crisis, but then decided to dispatch this one to sing a song that reportedly was full of meaning about the country's brokeness. But mostly, it was dudes in kilts hopping around and chanting "ALCOHOL IS FREE," which makes Greece sound like a hella good time (SEE WHAT I DID THERE, because "Hellenic" and "hella" and... yeah, I didn't do anything good, never mind). Maybe that was the idea -- suck in more tourists with the promise of free hooch. Also, Greece came in sixth, which... seriously, KILTS and CHANTING ABOUT BOOZE. I think the rest of the voting nations deliberately voted them down because they knew Greece couldn't truly afford to throw this party next year and live up to the open bar promise.
Greece: Koza Mostra sings "Alcohol Is Free"
The alcohol MUST be free and flowing, because sir, I don't think that's how trumpets work.
Greece: Koza Mostra sings "Alcohol Is Free"
I do appreciate a light-up instrument. It's like giant working Lite Brite toys.
Macedonia: Esma & Lozano singing "Pred Da Se Razdeni"
All you need to know is that Lozano was a total snore, but when this woman came out to sing, the disco beats kicked in, and now I will accept NOTHING LESS than the arrival of Esma anytime the jams get pumped up in any location.
Cyprus: Despina Olympiou sings "An Me Thimáse"
Despina clearly was like, "Ugh, I hate ALL my crotchy mullet dresses and rubber suits, so I'm just going to do whatever Hollywood is doing right now."
Latvia: PeR sings "Here We Go"
All I know is, Latvia is fighting for the rights of the mighty keytar, and I appreciate that.
Germany: Cascada sings "Glorious"
Cascada sang in this during the dress rehearsal, or something, and it somehow feels like ANOTHER homage to Carrie Underwood, because girlfriend loves hideous bustiers and tulle and mullets and big blonde hair. Maybe Cascada's full name is Cascada Unterwald.
Germany: Cascada Unterwald sings "Glorious"
Also, she was painted with so much body glitter that she just looked dirty, like the drunk bride at "The Thunder From Down Under" who took WAY too many liberties with hugging the male strippers.
Germany: Cascada sings "Glorious"
She changed into this for the finale, which is less hideous but still somehow awful. Like she just stepped sideways from Carrie Underwood's closet into Miranda Lambert's.
Hungary: ByeAlex sings "Kedvesem"
Hey look! Adorable death cartoons!
Malta: Gianluca sings "Tomorrow"
Malta put up every word of the song on the screens, which was super helpful during this part.
Lithuania: Andrius Pojavis sings "Someday"
This guy is only in here because he sang these words: "When summertime falls, it becomes untrue // Because of the shoes, I’m wearing today // One is called love, the other is pain." Otherwise, FAIL. Why no giant shoes stomping around in the background with comedy/tragedy masks on them, which ultimately get engulfed in flames shot from a bazooka held by TWO giant vikings? Do I have to do everything?
Montenegro: Who See sings "Igranka"
So obviously, this began with two guys meandering out in astronaut helmets, talking about how great the party is. Specifically, saying, "I can't paranoia no more, everything smells on good party," and obviously, "I need a party that won't stop while the hot girl is shaking// Hot is like in oven up to 200, head flies, strobe flashing // Beat goes crazy in my head, burn down bag, give me a drink // Grill, garlic, parsley and fish, give me all so I can overeat." Well, shit, Montenegro, I wasn't sold on your party, because after all in Greece the alcohol is free. But if you have parsley AND fish...
Montenegro: Who See sings "Igranka"
And then a fembot pops up and is all, "I HEARD TELL OF YOUR PARSLEY."
Albania: Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko sing "Identitet"
Albania gets it. These two STARTED with fire. Might as well grab everyone with the threat of death as quickly as you can. You probably also need to watch this one, because the two singers are so... special, in their own ways.
Albania: Bledar Sejko
Look at him making love to the camera. He knows how much Jessica loves pointing.
Albania: Adrian Lulgjuraj
And this guy has borrowed Hugh Grant's hair from Four Weddings and a Funeral, which is festive.
Albania: Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko sing "Identitet"
And they brought this guy, who I think is the viking's personal concierge, actually.
Albania: Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko sing "Identitet"
And then they finished with a guitar ejaculating fire. THAT is how it's done, Eurovision. When in doubt, ejaculate fire.
Azerbaijan: Ferid Mammadov singing "Hold Me"
This performance was nutty with strong mime undertones, but actually also sort of compelling -- although I don't think I can sign off on the song coming in second. Anyway, the singer began on-stage alone and then BOOM there was a dude in the box mirroring all his movements. There were LOTS of moments of deeply pensive hands slapping in sync against the plexiglass. Like if your psyche was trapped under the sneeze guard at a Sizzler buffet.
Azerbaijan: Ferid Mammadov singing "Hold Me"
And then a woman in a giant red dress came out and squatted and writhed and I can't even deal with whether I am seeing up her birth canal. Its horrifying, but also what Eurovision is all about -- so pay heed, next year's contenders, because these fools were replete with labial mystery and still came in second, so don't balk. Give in to your baser instincts.