Hilary Swank

It's just so ANCIENT-looking. The pants say, "Hi, we are slacks. And we are so sensible we NEVER go outside without sunscreen and we always drink a glass of milk before breakfast and we never, ever stay out past 8 p.m." The shirt says, "Holy shit, I need something sparkly to go with my slacks." The color says, "I don't know if I'm pink, or beige, but I do know you are asleep right now."

Hilary Swank

The shoes say, "I'm sixty-five now, but in my day, I was a hell of a stripper."

Hilary Swank

And the purse says, "Yawn."

Sarah Drew

Meanwhile, Sarah Drew's entire ensemble says, "Hello, and welcome to Ta-eat-i, the new Polynesian all-you-can-scarf buffet. Can I get you a table and a pineapple filled with vodka?"

Kate Hudson

I think Kate looks great in this yellow -- it reminds me of the poster for How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, except less slinky, on account of her womb-fruit. But it all suits her, and it's way less miserable-looking than the Champagne-colored sheath she got stuck in for the Met Ball, so points to her for that.

Mayim Bialik

I just wanted to show you what Blossom looks like when she's not being Blossom. In my opinionation, it's better. But it's also jarringly sedate, as if Mayim is trying to prove something to the world by NEVER wearing a screamingly loud pattern nor a hat ever again.

Ginnifer Goodwin

This is the part where I reiterate how charming and smiley and adorable GinGood is in her television interviews, and what a shame it is that for whatever reason she doesn't allow that to translate to photos. I mean, I don't photograph well, either, but I also at least -- perhaps misguidedly -- try to smile. She just looks MEAN. It gives her a personality I suspect she does not actually have. And the dress is so cute, I just wish she'd look stoked to be wearing it.

Kristin Cavallari

You know... whatever. I just hope she and Jay Cutler don't try to be the next Khloe and Lamar. I always feel like Jay Cutler looks like Peyton Manning's OTHER little brother, the bloated one who never goes to sleep. None of which has to do with Kristin's dress, which is pretty and summery. I'm just cranky.

Colin Egglesfield

Oh, so close. Colin -- whom you might remember from Melrose Place, or, better, as Erica Kane's infamous unabortion from All My Children, which really may have been the beginning of the end for my beloved soap -- looks super sharp, except for how in every picture he's standing all bow-legged and stiff, as if he's got a major wedgie, or the pants don't fit. Which is my suspicion.

John Krasinski

John Krasinski's, on the other hand, seem to fit fine. He looks comfortable. A tad scruffy, but whatever -- if the movie is as bad as everyone says it is, I'm not sure I'd have shaved either. Which means of course that I can't wait to see it.

Fug and Fab the Premiere: Something Borrowed

It's amusing to see how much Something Borrowed is getting savaged. I liked the book well enough -- I started with Something Blue, though, which is the sequel, but which I like better, so it's hard to tell. But when I first saw John Krasinski was in it, I thought he was a fun choice to play Dex... and then it turns out he's not Dex at all, but some random character they imported from Something Blue to be Ginnifer Goodwin's confidante. And THEN all the previews are all, "John Kraskinski is incredibly important to this film!" but in fact his character didn't exist in the book and therefore seems just to be there for Kate Hudson Relief. And THEN THEN the reviews seem to be saying, "I can't believe Kate Hudson keeps DOING THIS TO US," which is odd because she's the person (sight unseen) who I think is BEST cast in the entire enterprise. And THEN THEN THEN you know I'm going to be watching the hell out of this thing on HBO, or at least pretending I did, while actually shelling out $5 to see it via DirecTV Pay Per View while swearing Jessica to secrecy. All of which is to say WHAT IS HILARY SWANK WEARING. Join me for a closer look at her and the others.