Keira Knightley

"Hi. I'm Keira. I feel great. Really. So nice to be here, wherever this is. Where AM I? Eh. It doesn't matter. None of this matters."

Keira Knightley

"No, really. I'm great. Just ducky. How are you. Great."

Keira Knightley

"Look. I won this thing. It's made of plexiglass or something. It has words on it. I'm sure they say something about me being great. Has anyone seen any protein anywhere? Oh, forget it, it's just going straight to my collarbone. Never mind. I'll take a whiskey."

Keira Knightley

KEIRA: Hi James. What's up. Oh that's nice. What a special thing you just said about me/your spouse/your child/the weather/air travel.

JAMES MCAVOY: ... I haven't actually said anything.

KEIRA: That is fascinating.

JAMES: Clearly.

Keira Knightley

KEIRA: How interesting. I agree and reciprocate with all the warmth in my soul/totally disagree and want to have you killed/have thoughts as lukewarm as the iron I left on in my apartment/whoops I guess I should go home but whatever I don't care.

JAMES: I'll drink to that.

KEIRA: But I really enjoyed you in that movie/that TV show/that suit/the conversation we had that time about that thing. Please circle one and submit your answers. Thanks.

JAMES: I am as riveted as you look.

Keira Knightley

Hey! A smile! Okay, so it's stretched as tight as a rubber band around a Sunday paper, and it kind of looks as sincere as if someone stabbed her with a hundred toothpicks, but it's a smile. Clearly her facial muscles haven't forgotten what to do. Here's hoping the rest of her catches up...

Fug and Fugjudice

Oh, Keira. It's been awhile. How are you? Wait, don't answer, I might already know. See, on its own, this dress is mixing sparkly and prim, in a way that is not generally always my thing but I MIGHT have launched into a discussion about its relative fetchingness (coming soon to a music hall near you: Relative Fetchingness, opening for Spandex Dolphin) if not for the cutouts that look like her shoulders are wearing wreaths; and She looks super, super depressed, tired, and wan. And so I'm guessing things are not great. What's up KK? Are you depressed over that breakup? Are you sad you're too old to play Katniss Everdeen? Bummed that we don't need you as much now that we have Carey Mulligan, who might dress just as hit-or-miss as you do, but at least does not walk around looking like she wants to go home and murder her neighbor, hide the body under the couch cushions, and spend the next two weeks doing nothing but eat crackers and watch Big Brother? Being cheerful might not fix a multitude of sins, but it certainly makes them more tolerable and fun -- witness Nicki Minaj's entire archive. So just think, Keira -- if you had smiled, I might be Fug or Fabbing this, or at least mulling whether this would've been schoolgirlishly sweet without the shoulder halos. Instead, I am wondering if I should call your manager and have him/her sneak over to your hotel and empty the minibar.