Gwyneth Paltrow

BORING. Right? There is nothing here. It's an absurdly expensive red sack. And yes, I would not sneer at lounging around in a red sack of untold if totally arbitrary value. But the only statement it's making is, "I was just in The Hamptons making a list of the best places to stay on Bora Bora and ugh maybe this was a bad idea."

Gwyneth Paltrow

You KNOW Gwyneth was never going to wear anything super artsy of theirs -- it's all see-through lace and tulle with them -- so I feel like the faint aura of a cape/train here was about all she could muster.

Gwyneth Paltrow

That makeup goes with a different dress entirely. (Namely, whatever day outfit she wore to a parent-teacher conference.) And I am really weary of Gwynnie never doing her hair. I never do my hair, it's true. But that's because I am TERRIBLE and don't know how to do my hair. If I had a glam squad, I'd be like, "Dudes, TRY SOMETHING WITH MY HAIR. Anytime. Please." Also, jewelry. Anything that bespeaks an effort.

Gwyneth Paltrow

It does look charming from the back, I guess.

SWINTON

"Bless you, my child, for you have sinned. No, seriously, bless you. Well done. Life is so much more interesting this way."

James Marsden

Dapper as HELL. Love it. He is quietly one of the most consistently on-point men out there.

Olivia Palermo

I may have used the word "celebs" in the headline rather loosely. Although not as loosely as she used her mirror.

Fug and Yay and GOOP and SWINTON: Celebs at Valentino

Gwyneth rarely pops by one of these things anymore. But in a week where we've learned Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin allegedly are moving in together -- and mere blocks from G's apartment, also rumored to be at Mama Goop's control-freaky behest -- it doesn't surprise me that she suddenly turned up in public on a luxe red carpet to be like, "Yes, remember me? Your Lady of Ageless Health? STILL GOT IT." But if you're going to haul ass across the ocean for a big fashion show, and your ex is moving in with a 24-year old who is also America's Sweetheart, YOU BRING THE BIG GUNS. And Gwynnie only packed a tiny novelty water pistol that goes on her keychain. [Photos: Getty]