Jessie J

Let's let the underdog begin, and wow, that is a strong opening salvo.

Miley Cyrus

But Miley was ready for it and has fired back a gingham scourge.

Jessie J

So Jessie uncorks her tube top.

Miley Cyrus

Miley hits it back over the net with Gwen Stefani for Pier 1 Imports for Forever 21.

Jessie J

Ooh, a curveball: Jessie pitches some tongue AND a possible crotch grab.

Miley Cyrus

Miley smashes it back with some tongue, an actual crotch, and some nipple covers.

Jessie J

"What's that you say? Mesh is for WINNERS? THEN CHECK IT."

Miley Cyrus

Miley evades checkmate with a fanny pack and a giant fur coat, the likes of which hasn't been seen since 80s soaps.

Jessie J

Jessie J would like to remind everyone that she can also be COLORFULLY crazy.

Miley Cyrus

Miley makes a play for the Laura San Giacomo role in a "Pretty Woman" remake.

Jessie J

Jessie makes a play for the lead.

Miley Cyrus

Miley trots out a jazzercize wedgie.

Jessie J

Jessie, undaunted, brings out the see-through skirt.

Miley Cyrus

Miley twerks with a giant stuffed bear.

Jessie J

Jessie is like, "The only prop I need is King Midas's mucus."

Miley Cyrus

Miley brings out her idea of formalwear...

Jessie J

... Jessie brings out her idea of formal bare.

Miley Cyrus

Miley grins and reaches deeper into her closet and pulls out this Island of Dr. Moreau-style mutant pantsuit, with legs of different lengths and materials, and... it's bad.

Jessie J

Jessie goes the opposite direction, swerving straight into heavy leather.

Miley Cyrus

Miley is tired of you looking at another person.

Jessie J

Jessie is not finished yet.

Miley Cyrus

It's vagina time.

Jessie J

Sports bras, anyone?

Miley Cyrus

"GOT ONE."

Jessie J

Jessie closes with ruffles and a tunic and questionable pants.

Miley Cyrus

Miley closes with her usual: letting you peek at everything if you look long enough.

Fug Madness 2014, Final Four: Game One

We are almost done, Fug Nation. Two more games and then the final battle will be held on Monday. Here is the first contest; the other match, between Kim Kardashian and Rihanna, goes up in two hours. So settle in, poke around, consider the evidence, and vote your conscience. (1) MILEY CYRUS vs. (2) JESSIE J Congrats to Jessie for being the only NON No. 1 seed to make it to the final grouping, proving that even if the seedings lead to upsets in the early rounds, you can't keep a good top dog down, eh? Do you like how I turned Canadian for a sec so that I could keep the sentence structure but get around ending on a preposition? BOO-YA. Anyway: Both these performers like it tight, crazy, occasionally pantsless, and bleach-blonde (although Jessie, in fairness, cut off all her hair for charity and went platinum while she grew out the buzz cut). People have felt like it was Miley's to lose this year; can Jessie K.O another top seed, or did she use all her remaining mojo to get Gaga? I've given you a thorough match between the two. If it's not Federer-Nadal, it's at LEAST one of them vs. Djokovic or Andy Murray. [poll id="12213"]