Rita Ora
Miley is famous for her tongue hanging out, so I am beginning with Rita's sartorial equivalent.
Miley Cyrus
And here is the tongue of the hour, perfectly coordinated to her Moschino mesh. I can't decide which version is worse: This flagrantly ugly one, which she is camping up but which also looks like caution tape on acid...
Rita Ora
... or this version, which is ALSO a flagrant foul, but I think she might actually be trying to pass it off as glorious.
Miley Cyrus
So Miley picked out a t-shirt when she had nothing to wear...
Rita Ora
... and Rita apparently handles that by wearing EVERYTHING.
Miley Cyrus
This is shower shoes and a Gund onesie.
Rita Ora
This is shower shoes and a DKNY onesie. So... similar.
Miley Cyrus
So, I have no idea what the rest of the outfit was. All that matters is that Miley wore these shoes and WHAT ARE THEY. WHAT DO THEY EVEN MEAN. What is the fur stuff? HELP.
Rita Ora
More shower shoes. No fur, though.
Miley Cyrus
These might as well be shower shoes. Looking at them feels like being punched in the ear.
Rita Ora
Rita's take on gleaming metallic is... slouchier. It's also reminiscent of a homemade Dirty Dancing costume. Please, put this Baby in the corner.
Miley Cyrus
Lest you think Miley was the only one who wore a troublingly dumb hair accessory...
Rita Ora
... here is Rita in a cute Miu Miu coat and then a headdress that looks like the Heat Miser.
Miley Cyrus
Another take on Formal Kitsch from Miley...
Rita Ora
And Rita's manages to drag an entire state of our union down with it.
Miley Cyrus
Hideous accessories and a see-through shirt... just another Tuesday.
Rita Ora
I don't even know what this IS, much less how it happened to an old Vince Young jersey. He should sue.
Miley Cyrus
I just want you to know that Miley wore whatever this is to a restaurant. In public.
Rita Ora
Rita obviously did the same.
Miley Cyrus
This may LOOK like a performance, but actually, she's just rehearsing for something she did later in a different outfit. This was a sound check, so I don't count it as performance wear... and so we can SCREAM about how she not only owns that shirt but was willing to be seen in it.
Rita Ora
Rita also does terrible things to boobs sometimes.
Miley Cyrus
SPEAKING OF TERRIBLE THINGS AND BOOBS.
Rita Ora
Let's switch to pants. These Hilfiger pants are epically fugly.
Miley Cyrus
Per this dress, the Hip Bone isn't really connected to ANYTHING.
Rita Ora
When Rita did these cutouts, it looked accidental. Like the skirt ripped away from the belt in the limo.
Miley Cyrus
At least she's happy?
Rita Ora
She may not have been having as much fun.
Miley Cyrus
Do we think this left chafe marks?
Rita Ora
Rita is as horrified as I am about imagining what that must have felt like.
Miley Cyrus
And, BIG FINISH...
Rita Ora
... and BIGGER FINISH. Except smaller, if you're talking fabric percentage.