Charli XCX
We begin with a disco handkerchief through which belly-button is clearly visible. If this woman serves you a cocktail, there MIGHT be glitter in it, and it MIGHT have come from a weird place that is neither you NOR her.
Kylie Jenner
Crotching Hemline, Shrunken Balmain.
Charli XCX
I enjoy doing these back-and-forth slideshows because it lets me see if there is ANY common language between the contenders' fuggery. Here, we have Charli and some unfortunate hair in a very bad, very shiny outfit.
Kylie Jenner
And HERE, we have an unfortunate wig (I THINK?) in a very STRANGE, very shiny outfit.
Charli XCX
She just loves wearing mylar.
Kylie Jenner
And she loves gold. She doesn't actually look terrible in this, but the context: It was a burning summer day in July at the ESPYs and this outfit says neither "day," "July," nor "ESPYs."
Charli XCX
Charli is unafraid of mesh, you ought to know.
Kylie Jenner
Apparently neither is Kylie, although I am certainly terrified of it now.
Charli XCX
This is an elementary science fair project called All The Bugs That Died On Grandma's Screen Door In Florida This Summer.
Kylie Jenner
Symbolic of the chains she wears as a member of Clan Jendashian, or just... some risque leather-and-metal thing she put on for headlines? OR BOTH?
Charli XCX
Even when Charli tries to wear something that could be construed as MARGINALLY more classic, it comes out looking like bedding that failed quality control.
Kylie Jenner
This could be worse, although the peekaboo triangles over her pelvis mean we can see her navel.
Charli XCX
Little Bo Peep was like, "Screw my sheep. If they don't appreciate that I feed them and give them a place to live then FUCK IT. I'M GOING DANCING."
Kylie Jenner
Oy.
Charli XCX
Switching to suiting for a second, this is baggy and billowy and apparently each pant leg has Jolie aspirations.
Kylie Jenner
That could be a lot worse, although the tube top always makes me think I need to refocus my eyes.
Charli XCX
This makes me sure I need to CLOSE my eyes. Those shoes are such a flashback. Mine didn't have heels that big, but... sigh. We didn't know better.
Kylie Jenner
Kylie wore that to a Met Ball afterparty. It also seems really weird to shield yourself from photographers when you are WALKING TO A MET BALL AFTERPARTY. But whatever. I probably would, too, in those shorts.
Charli XCX
Whenever I see this outfit, I think, "Spaceball 1. It's gone to PLAID." Ludicrous Speed benefits no one.
Kylie Jenner
Does Kris have a moth problem at Stately Kardashian Manor?
Charli XCX
I have stared at this TIME AND TIME AGAIN to see if that's a massive purse she's carrying. And I'm 99.9 percent sure it's not. It's sewn right onto the dress. SAY WHAT.