Penelope Cruz
This Marchesa so typefies the least restrained and most ridiculous of their stuff. She looks like a mermaid who got snared, as if the dress is one giant trap and she's pissed she fell for it. And as if she lets go of that hand, she's doing to tip over.
Penelope Cruz
That is a seriously horrible detail -- first, I hate that the tulle just flat-out stops. It looks so lazy, like Georgina Chapman never planned for someone to turn around while wearing this. And yet if it had ringed her arm, it might've looked like armpit overgrowth, so for me lesson here is that there is no right way to do tulle sleeves. And the tring of buttons is an eyesore -- nice idea, but look how poorly it lies next to that zipper. Plus, it being right beside the zipper only draws attention to its pointlessness, and it looks ugly there.
AND, AND, I think those bangs are awful on Penelope's face. I really do. It feels good to say it. I feel FREE. But see how much better she looks without them?
Penelope Cruz
So pretty. So much less severe. Of course, the rock doesn't hurt. Where IS the proud hubby, anyway? Home with the baby, maybe? Get a babysitter and let us all drink in your collective pretty, sir.
Penelope Cruz
The dress, however... I don't know. It's like a velvet corset that's attacking her. And it clearly doesn't fit up north either. I sympathize, but surely there was a dress that showed off her awesome figure AND found room for her boobs. Maybe she should've given Sofia Vergara a call. And then they both could put Christina Hendricks on speakerphone.
Penelope Cruz
This is super weird. It's like a sports bra zipped under a cover-up from when Great Aunt Mergatroyd married her pool boy on the patio. But the hair, sans bangs? WIN.
Penelope Cruz
This would make kind of an awesome costume for a movie. Maybe the Sherlock Holmes sequel. Or she could be a Batman villain, whose mutant superpower is sitting on antique couches and disappearing. (Actually, I find this slightly fabulous, in a crazy-costumey kind of way -- but with different hair, I think.)
Penelope Cruz
Stateside, Penelope went black: big feathers, big skirt, big drama. I wasn't sure at first, but having seen what she wore since, I think I rather like it. It's crazy-flattering and about a hundred times better than the Marchesa tulle box that turned the concept of The Little Mermaid into the world's most restrictive ballet costume.