2012 NBA Draft
Really, this is shockingly reasonable. I think the NFL Draft was worse. I also think they should stick David Stern on an apple crate. But not ALL of this is perfet -- I mean, there are nits to pick. There are ALWAYS nits.
Anthony Davis
Anthony here was the first pick, and he spent the day leading up to the draft not waxing his unibrow, but rather TRADEMARKING IT. Specifically, he TM'd some phrases, so that, and I am almost quoting directly, nobody would try to grow a unibrow and steal his shtick. SON. That's not a shtick; that's Frida Kahlo. Maybe just play the basketball and don't worry about the legend of your forehead mustache. I am sure he's very nice and I wish him all the success in the world, but I just cannot look at him without wanting to manscape that sucker. I'm sorry. I'm sure that's awful. But for every person who yells "RAISE THE BROW" in celebration, surely fifty will be going, "WAX ON, WAX OFF," or "BOO-nibrow," or, "GO BACK TO KENPLUCKY."
Also, not for nothing, the kid has known he was going first for MONTHS now. I feel like he probably should've busted out something in team colors.
John Henson
This is John Henson of the UNC Tar Heels. He is so tall that it's almost easier for David Stern to shake his wang than his hand. Also, I was CERTAIN for a second that he was wearing potato skins in his pocket, and I was all set to look up whether North Carolina has a fond history of starchy vegetables, and/or whether this is just a revolutionary new snack idea. But then I got closer, and it's just a hanky. Kid, don't wear a pocket square that looks like food. You'll get a lot of people very excited, and when they find out you're NOT packing, that's how angry mobs start.
Dion Walters
This is Dion Walters of Syracuse. He is the most boringly monikered person on a team of names that include: Fab Melo, Hakeem Christmas, and Scoop Jardine. This is understandably citrus-infused, but not strongly enough -- the shirt just kinda looks like it was poorly archived thirty years ago.
Perry Jones III
This man's sleeves, more than most, seem to be too short. It's like we're watching him just after he drank a growth serum.
Evan Fournier
No, strike that, these sleeves are pretty problematic too. Did they spike the Gatorade in the lounge?
Jeremy Lamb
AND MORE. I can only imagine how hard this is for a tall man, but come on, y'all, it's the draft. Make a boy some SLEEVES for his wingspan.
Meyers Leonard
Meyers here looks like the Leaning Tower of Goofball.
Damian Lillard
Damian here of Weber State almost appears to be apologizing. He shouldn't -- he happened to be clad in colors that match his destination team -- although I can understand why he might feel a migraine coming on. That jacket reads like a test pattern. Some things in here don't react well to lenses.
Terrence Ross
"Hi. I'm Terrence Ross, formerly of the Washington Huskies, now of the Toronto Raptors. And speaking of husky raptors, yes, that is EXACTLY what I'm showing you right now."