Total Recall

As the reader who wrote in about this poster noted, Colin Farrell looks just fine, if perhaps like he is hiding two ladies under his coat. Kate Beckinsale looks typically hot and tousled. But Biel... per the Interwebs, Jessica Biel is an inch taller than Kate Beckinsale; per this poster, she is officially Third Fiddle in this orchestra, and a neckless one to boot. I like to imagine Kate sitting at home with her husband, the director of this fine film, as he tweaks the mock-up of the poster and being like, "Just another inch off, love... yes, that's right... and if you could make her look as generic as possible, like some girl you probably saw as the Disease of the Week on Grey's Anatomy one time, that would be lovely. LEAST you could do for my unwavering commitment to starring in all your movies. Kisses."

Biel and Beckinsale

And here they are at ComicCon, with Biel yet AGAIN in her recent uniform of white with bright shoes, and Beckinsale in her leather ass-kickers. I actually think Kate looks very foxy, albeit in a spacey way, like she's double-checking whatever math she used to make sure that she wore enough heel to defeat Biel again at the height game. Jessica looks... fine? But the deliberately sheer top -- that white bra is a hundred percent aware it's on display -- gives it a dumb edge, and the trail of ruffles doesn't excite me particularly. She also maybe needed some lipstick. So close, basically. But not there. Third fiddle.

Colin Farrell

It's worth noting that Colin here was in Rio the day before, so he's looking pretty fly for a dude who probably has a touch of jet lag.

Colin Farrell

In fact, he was downright animated.

Colin Farrell

"And so then, this is what kills me, the damn Itsy Bitsy Spider goes BACK UP the water spout, right? EVEN THOUGH it got washed out like an hour ago. It just keeps going back up. What the hell is even up there, anyway? I don't know if that thing is an optimist or just concussed, but I told my kid, I'm like, 'You know what? F8ck water spouts. Find a ladder."

Colin Farrell

"Look, someone take a photo of this, okay? Because I used to hook up with Britney, and she's hooking up with Justin, and so in a virtual sense we've slept with each other, that will make for a GREAT story in Star magazine."

Colin Farrell

"UGGGGGH, why am I still talking. Maybe I AM jet lagged."

Fug or Fab the Poster and the Leads: Total Recall

Until a reader e-mailed us about this poster, I had approximately zero recall that this remake even existed. The poster makes it look like Underworld: Battleship Stealth. And I can only pray that in this movie, like Stealth, Jessica Biel is also in a love triangle with a man and a piece of sentient machinery. [Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]