Amar'e Stoudamire
My favorite part about this is how the glasses seem too small for his face. I suspect NBA players run into that all the time, as very tall men probably tend to have very large faces. Shaq must NEVER be able to find glasses that don't look like they shrank.
Dirk Nowitzki
It's a little weird seeing Dirk Nowitzki in a suit -- in my head he is dripping with sweat and panting at all times, even at the supermarket -- but this isn't so bad. In fact, it's not nearly bad ENOUGH. Oh, DIRK. I hope you learned from what you saw and will come back with something outrageous next year.
Kenyon Martin
Apparently, Kenyon here used to have quite a mouth on him, which led to Wikipedia calling him "mentally refurbished" when he cleaned up his act. Fortunately, if this almost wet-look lumberjack plaid shirt is any indication, he is not sartorially refurbished. Bless.
Carmelo Anthony
Now THIS is what I'm talking about: A little 'Melo Yellow. He looks like a tube of honey mustard that's going on safari.
Darryl Dawkins and Robert Horry
Robert Horry, over there in the beige, has seven championships in 16 NBA seasons. That's a pretty sweet average. He looks a bit like the interior of a minivan, but I'll let it pass because DARRYL DAWKINS WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
I think Wikipedia might say it best about Dawkins, who notoriously shattered a backboard during a dunk: "Dawkins named the backboard-breaking dunk 'The Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam.' He named other dunks as well: the Rim Wrecker, the Go-Rilla, the Look Out Below, the In-Your-Face Disgrace, the Cover Your Head, the Yo-Mama, and the Spine-Chiller Supreme. The 76ers also kept a separate column on the stat sheet for Dawkins’s self-created nicknames: 'Sir Slam,' 'Dr. Dunkenstein,' and 'Chocolate Thunder.' Also, he claimed to be an alien from planet Lovetron where he spent off-season practicing "interplanetary funkmanship" and where his girlfriend Juicy Lucy still lived."
So in the end, chartreuse satin pajamas are really pretty much exactly on-target for this dude. Bless you, Darryl Dawkins. You totally won NBA All-Star Weekend.
Now for the non-athletes in attendance...
Beyonce
Hey, B! Where have you been hiding? Apparently you WERE at the Grammys, but just tucked away backstage. Why no red carpet? Were all the tight strapless gowns with fishtail hems spoken for already? Well, no matter. I like you better brunette, but you still look cute, and someone at Fashion Week just told me that you are the nicest, most genuine, most awesome person in showbiz. And I hope that's true, because those shoes you are wearing deserve a happy home.
Beyonce's Feet
I mean, LOOK AT THEM. Holy mackerel.
Ciara
Ciara and I are unalike in so many ways -- one of which being that, if I am going out, the part of my body that is MOST likely to be covered is my thighs, and yet here that is the ONLY part of her body that is NOT covered.
KANYE WEST
"WHAT UP, DRY ICE! I WOULD PREFER TO THROW SOME KAZOO IN THIS BITCH BUT I WILL TAKE SMOKE BECAUSE IT IS NO JOKE, UNLIKE A FACEBOOK POKE -- THAT SHIT IS BROKE LIKE NEW COKE. NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO BUY SELL SOME DROIDS TO LUKE SKYWALKER'S UNCLE."
Keri Hilson
On first blush, one might think, "Oh, Keri Hilson is wearing a cute patterned dress."
Keri Hilson
And then the JUMPSUIT ALARM goes off and you dive under your bed and pray for deliverance from similar unnatural disasters.
Keri Hilson & George Lopez
On this day, she decided to wear boots and pants, instead. And presumably listened to George Lopez delivering an impassioned defense of his purple glittery loafers.
Lenny Kravitz
You know, for Lenny's standards -- considering we last saw him in a dress -- this is downright sedate.
Nicki Minaj
Love the blazer, actually. Can't sign off on the Barbie necklace. And am very concerned that her pants portend some kind of graffiti apocalypse.
Rihanna
Good old reliable Rihanna -- she can always be counted on to skip pants and look like a very fancy car-hop who will bring you tater tots and a grilled cheese sandwich while on roller skates. BEDAZZLED roller skates, mind you.
Rihanna & The Bieb
RIHANNA: I wish someone had told me I'd be Bieb-adjacent when I picked out this shirt with holes in it. I feel like it's illegal for him to look at me.
BIEBER: Stay cool, Bieb. Don't tell her you modeled your hair after one of her old cuts until AFTER you've gotten her digits.
Steven Tyler
Sometimes it's so hard to tell Steven Tyler and Juliette Lewis apart.
Teyana Taylor
... I like her tie?
Frankly, I hope Teyana here loans this suit to Amar'e next year, or Dirk, or SOMEBODY. Darryl Dawkins cannot carry the banner alone, people.