YO
"This is no commercial, lovers, this is a short film of MAGIC. It is about a girl. A girl from the block. She sparkles even though this place is boring and looks like a three-man production of West Side Blocky. She gives off so much heat she can only wear shorts. She is caliente. She is LOPEZ."
YO
"And then BANG, she paints el mundo with her inner light, and her love of realness and real love! She gives Puff Daddy his puff and Barffleck his hair plugs! She TRIES, lovers! She wants the world to be a better place! Also sometimes she runs out of quarters for the laundry and rips her shirt off a sofa THIS GRANDE!"
YO
"AND THEN. The vampire. She tries to wear white. SHE CAN'T. CLUB SODA WILL NOT GET THAT OUT, LOVERS. So she must HIDE. She must HAT."
YO
"But then she leaves him and WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, twenty-something dancers are more fun anyway, and now she and George Clooney have so much to talk about when they get together for yoga!"
YO
"And so she rises like the butterfly of pure beauty to design a line of stuff for some place that is only forty percent things she would be caught dead in off The Block, and which she had maybe never seen before she showed up to set to shoot this ad. That is my movie, lovers. Did it touch you? DID YOU FEEL? Consider, lovers, that this might be Mr. Aronslopsky's best work. No tiny people in leotards. No depressed people. Better hair than Mickey Whatsit from The Whatever. No face stabbing. No math. No drugs. Just pure LOPEZ. It is my gift to you. And my gift to Oscar. You are WELCOME, fools. Now give it."