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Brittny Gastineau

WHAAAAAT. Can we safely assume her escort is GENUINELY laughing at her? Is this an ode to how many see-through outfits with granny panties Kim has worn in her lifetime? Michael Costello from "Project Runway" made a huge point of talking about how he was asked to make custom stuff for them all, including Brittny, and son, that may have been A HUGE MISTAKE TO SAY OUT LOUD.

Brittny Gastineau

Seriously, that is so atrocious that if you told me Kim designed it herself, I'd believe you. It LEGIT looks like the hybrid baby of half her closet.

Andrea Bocelli

I seriously keep forgetting he was there, and looking at this and thinking it's Patrick Duffy. I WISH Patrick Duffy had been invited. I want Bobby Ewing and Kanye West to be bros.

Lady Victoria Hervey (supposedly?)

Well, that's the trouble with fairy godmothers, kid -- the clock is always striking midnight SOMEWHERE. IT's just too bad that two of the first things to go were right at the center of each boob.

Robin Antin (founder of The Pussycat Dolls)

That is unspeakable. WHY is she wearing a table skirt instead of AN ACTUAL SKIRT?

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend

Chrissy probably looked great, although in this exact picture she looks like she's thinking, "This was a huge mistake." Also, everyone is making much out of her and Kris Jenner wearing basically the same McQueen jacket over the course of the weekend, which... I mean, Kris wore it first, but Chrissy wasn't even there at that point, and we all know who's going to win in that fight anyway. I am pretty sure Chrissy Teigen did not lose any sleep over that one.

Rachel Roy

... Do we think she changed at the wedding? I'm sure that is not a cheap suit, but I am also pretty sure Kim Kardashian took one look at that outfit and thought to herself, "We lost Beyonce for her to wear THAT? DOESN'T SHE KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THIS THING WOULD HAVE BEEN IF WE HADN'T PROBABLY GOTTEN AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF FREEBIES?"

LaLa Anthony

Carmelo must have been like, "NO THANKS." LaLa, who is on the left, looks nice. Actually, the girl on the right does, too, if perhaps more thigh-oriented than most wedding guests tend to be. Then again... this is not most weddings.

David Blaine

DAVID CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE THEM ALL DISAPPEAR? (However, I love the idea that Kanye invited him after Blaine blew his mind that time with street magic.)

Guests arrive in Florence for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding

She actually looks classy and nice. WELL PLAYED, ANONYMOUS LADY.

Guests arrive in Florence for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding

That's ALSO really pretty. I hope Fug Nation can identify her. If anyone can, I will put her name in here. Full marks for being a classy breeze in a malodorous wind tunnel.

Fug The Blessed Union: The Kimye Wedding Guests
The bride wore Givenchy, but aside from one officially released photo, we have to wait to see the real pictures until whichever publication bought them lifts its embargo (I'm guessing they picked People, for the respectability quotient, unless Us threw a big tantrum or something). For what it's worth, her figure may have looked better in the gown on the Vogue cover -- the Givenchy's silhouette, which she favors, is one that she might THINK is a lot more flattering than perhaps it is -- and she seems to have a mosquito tent on her head. But we shall have to wait and see; once the spit-shined official portraits are in, perhaps all those vague and dopey-sounding reports that she "stunned" (which feels like an adjective you pick off a dart board when you have to write about a wedding for which you know no details) will be true. The guest fashions: mostly terrible, as you'll see. I left out the photos of people whose names weren't listed -- just in case; for all I know, they showed up and were like, "... this isn't the Forrester wedding? MY GOD, IS THAT TOMORROW?" -- but honestly, it's for the best. I'm sure other outlets have those pictures, and the less said, the better. The guest list: Despite what I imagine they assumed would be an extremely starry affair, the celeb quotient was paltry, and I have to wonder if Team Kimye will take that as a loss no matter how much publicity they drummed up for the rest of this thing. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend were, per Twitter, eating dinner in Brooklyn on Friday night, turned up in Florence on Saturday so he could sing "All Of Me" at the reception, and -- by an Us report -- got special permission from Kimye (!!) to leave early because he had a commitment in Atlantic City. And they were the biggest names of the bunch. The gossip: Beyonce and Jay Z blew it off and allegedly spent he weekend in the Hamptons instead, which people nicer than I am have suggested is because they didn't want their personal drama to overshadow the bride, but... listen, I don't think Beyonce OR Jay Z has ever had a problem overshadowing anyone's ANYTHING, and I don't even necessarily mean that in a rude way. It just is, to me. Anyway, I suspect one or the other -- or both -- just flat-out didn't want to go. And then they had the perfect reason not to when it turned out that Rachel Roy was there -- she whose rumored dalliances with Jay Z is allegedly why Solange flew off the handle at the Met Gala. I mean, we will never know. All I am certain of is that Kanye is going to write a seriously wounded piece of poetry about this someday. And my dream is for Beyonce to Instagram a photo of herself from the day of the wedding doing absolutely nothing, with a cocktail in her hand, holding up a sign that says, "Kan ye get a refill? #BEYLIEVE IT." Oh, and Rob Kardashian... that poor kid is apparently so self-conscious right now that he actually left Europe THE DAY OF THE WEDDING to come back to L.A., because he didn't want to be in wedding photos, allegedly because he is upset about his size. I'm not sure which is sadder: whatever is going on with him; the fact that his family actually LET HIM LEAVE (like, I hope they tried to counsel him and told him that they love him...?), or the fact that Us Weekly called him "the elusive sock designer." [Photos: Splash]

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