France
Anggun here began her performance with a shirtless male gymnast doing some flips, which then ceded to her singing while they tumbled and then did some pommel horse moves on top of a bunch of cubes. She is also dressed like a superhero who got some cosmic toilet paper stuck in her uniform while using an intergalactic public lav.
Albania
Rona here sang a song called "Suus," whose cheerful lyrics are: "I land my plane // On lightless runway of your soul [...] Hmmm, tomorrows won’t bring anything // Besides hopeless hope and insanity." Ergo, let's assume it was deliberate and deeply symbolic to make her breasts weep symbolic rivers made of cheap hotel conference room tablecloths. The International Association of Darkened Soul Runways totally doesn't spring for actual nice convention halls.
Lithuania
Donny Montell here sang a song called "Love is Blind," and in case the ardent symbolism of the title was too arcane, he went ahead and blindfolded himself. You have to love a guy who BeDazzles his eye patches -- I mean, HE can't see them, so he clearly just wants YOU to be happy. That guy is committed to you.
Lithuania
Not SO committed, though, that he won't tear off his blindfold like Kimberly Shaw ripping off a wig of lies. And then breakdance. And then play air guitar. While thrusting his pelvis. Here, I assume he hopes YOU are the blind one. Maybe his narrative is that you are sightless and he was, in the first part of the song, just trying to understand your world. And then he couldn't deal with it anymore because of the very real threat that he would hump some unfriendly air.
Russia
AND HERE WE ARE. You guys, these women are the magic. They not only busted out a full-on dance party number with lyrics like "And my cat is happy, and my dog is happy," and "The dough is rising joyously," but they worked in a SUBPLOT. See that white thing in the center? It's an OVEN. And at the beginning two of the grannies walked out with a tray of something that they stuffed into the side. And then it spun around and smoked while they danced, and the cameraman cut back to it, all, "BUT WHAT OF THE SNACKS?" and then suddenly...
Russia
Granny No. 1 hands Granny No. 2 the ebulliently baked treats and then everyone celebrates the fact that they're done. IT'S AMAZING. It's everything you wish your old stacking dolls would do if Toy Story were a documentary.
Montenegro
The first thing you need to know is that this band is called Rambo Amadeus. Just let that wash over you for a second. Rambo Amadeus. Imagine Matthew McConaughey purring it in your ear: "RRRRAMBO. AMADEUS."
The second thing: Yes, that is a Trojan Horse preceded by a hooded menace growling at you not to "be skeptic, hermetic, pathetic, analphabetic," before throwing off his cloak...
Montenegro
... and revealing that he is Severus Snape reborn as a sweaty rapping mob accountant. Incidentally, in his rhyming opus "Euro Neuro," he also shares, "I enjoy bicyclism," and that his lone rule is "stay cool like a swimming pool."
Montenegro
And THEN, the Trojan Horse births some dudes who roll out different messages, like, "Give me chance to refinance." I really think the whole crux of this performance is: This man needs to be the new FreeCreditReport.com spokesperson.
Ireland
And then Jedward came out and sang (amid what Monty Python surely would endorse as a farcical aquatic ceremony) about being on the waterline, or something, which I guess is a really terrifying thing when you're dressed like Tin Men who've lost their funnel hats. Also, Taylor Swift may need to sue them for stealing her favorite manual expression of love. Seriously, this looks like a scene from a musical called Space Xanadu in which our two heroes get married after successfully building a nightclub for two in the middle of a replica of the Bellagio fountain.
Ukraine
Gaitana here had lots of colorful backup dancers, which helps because her own dress seems to be made of old shoelaces. In related news, I have hired these gentlemen to announce me anytime I am about to enter any room, ever. They're like if the creators of Silly String bought Scotland and reinvented it.
Turkey
This hilarious love song was performed by a guy who looks like Michael Trevino (Tyler on Vampire Diaries) playing Sacha Baron Cohen in a biographical movie called Enough Already, and a bunch of backup dancers ripped from a ship full of pirate magicians who just ate Dave Navarro. The song claims his ship is made of hope...
Turkey
... but it's actually made of PEOPLE. It is the Soylent Green of boats.
Turkey
Never accuse these men of not giving it their all. The First Mate up there is even pantomiming a telescope. He REALLY wants to find land so that the man-prow can rest his arms.
Estonia
Good sir: Really? A vest and pants? Did you think you were singing at The Jones Wedding over at the Marriott?
Moldova
THIS SONG. First, it's sung by a man dressed like the Velveeta Cheesy Skillets blacksmith. Second, the backup dancers are GLORIOUS, doing everything from the robot to walking like Egyptians to cavorting around the floor and scissoring their legs in the air. And finally, the lyrics read like an incredible attempt at redubbing Mary Poppins into a foreign horror film: "You came down from the skies // On a plane which belongs to your daddy // Welcome to carousel. [...] You have never been at my show // You haven’t seen before how looks the trumpet // But the sound goes straight to your soul // Gets you out of control // This trumpet makes you my girl." Does it indeed, Mr. Sexual Conquistador? DOES IT? (It might.)
Romania
Why, yes, Romania's bagpiper IS moonwalking to his mark while playing an instrument that looks like he is smoking his lower intestine. Is that REALLY so unusual? If that other guy's trumpet makes me his girl, then what does this man's colonic inhaler make me? His spiritual bathroom attendant?
Serbia
It was a brave, but ultimately unpopular choice for Serbia to bring out Balkan Kenny G.
Greece
Have you ever seen a production of Les Miserables break into The Little Mermaid by way of Dancing With The Stars? Well, NOW you have.
Cyprus
All I know is, I want that table for my house.
Austria
The Von Trapp Family Singers have really grown away from their core competencies.
Spain
My favorite rumor is that the Spanish singer alluded to her country WANTING her to lose, so they wouldn't have to pay to host this thing in 2013. Perhaps this explains why they didn't even help her along with fire cannons, and nobody told her that her illusion netting was bunching.
Netherlands
This girl looked like Katy Perry crossed with Michelle Branch, and chucked into a controversial story-song about who REALLY discovered s'mores.
Sweden
Loreen here won the whole damn taco, so Sweden gets to throw the party next year (Spain is like, "PHEW, AM I RIGHT?"). I'm unclear what her song was about, but I believe it to be depicting a scene from Crouching Peacekeeping, Hidden Viking, the solitary plight of a local Ninja who is really freaking sick of everyone being all, "Oh, yay, the Swedish are so non-confrontational and nice, what with their meatballs and efficient low-cost furniture and that smokin' bikini team."
Denmark
Oh, Denmark. Among other things, you have a dude in a HYPE t-shirt, a singer dressed as the captain of the military vessel The S.S. Carrie Underwood, and a lady humping the arm of a leather chair. This needed cohesion. You are NEVER going to be a Nordic musical success story at this rate.
UK
And finally, the UK trotted out... Engelbert Humperdinck? REALLY YOU GUYS? As a citizen I am SO VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU ALL. HE SOUNDED TERRIBLE. I'm sure the esteemed Mr. Humperdinck gave it his all, but WHY IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING? HE ISN'T EVEN WEARING ANY LATEX. And you know they realized it was a stinker, too, because they threw in a ballroom dancing couple and then a bunch of suck-up pyrotechnics:
UK
Not even FOUR PINWHEELS OF FLAME could get him more than twelve votes. He was second to last! SECOND TO LAST. JEDWARD, FROM THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS, BEAT HIM BY THIRTY POINTS. And thus the UK's long futility streak continued.
The Wikipedia page for this ill-fated campaign states the following: "On 24 August 2011, the Daily Star reported that the BBC ... were targeting Charlotte Church, JLS, The Saturdays, Pixie Lott and Katherine Jenkins. In August 2011, Geri Halliwell proposed that the Spice Girls should reunite to represent the United Kingdom at the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. On 26 February 2012, it was reported by the Daily Star Sunday that girl band Atomic Kitten are to be this year's entry for Eurovision. These rumours were later denied by all individual members of Atomic Kitten themselves."
Oh, Atomic Kitten. Where is your musical national pride? What exactly were you so busy doing that you couldn't churn out a harmless ditty about kissing and go sing it at a weekend-long boozefest? Even Wikipedia called your recent greatest hits album "a low-budget compilation." But the fault is not theirs alone. Dear UK: You haven't won since 1997 and you finished DEAD LAST in 2003, 2008, and 2010. FIX IT. Or, somebody needs to step up and start bribing the country's musical acts with something really good and/or juicy. Can't GOOP supply some incriminating audio of Coldplay singing "MMMBop" or something? Wait... I would buy that. But you know she's got SOMETHING good hidden on her most secret shelves, behind the Andalusian sinus dust and organic mascara.