Spelling Hills, 90210
Dan Castellaneta, aka TV's Homer Simpson, plays Aaron Spelling. Visually, he's great casting, but vocally he sounds more like a paper-thin Donald Trump imitation from someone who has a mild cold. Aaron had no hit shows on TV at the time of 90210, and was trying to get a Charlie's Angels reboot off the ground -- he barks that if Barry Diller's problem with it is Tea Leoni, then TOO BAD, because it's Tea or bust (who knew?) -- and wonders aloud what Barry Diller's idea of good programming is if not Charlie's Angels. And the sarcastic plot summaries he tosses out include, basically, a log line for The X-Files. I've decided this is Tori Spelling's way of planting the idea that she -- on Aaron's behalf naturally -- is owed some royalties.
The network suits basically have the script and Darren Star already (and all ready), but Aaron is not into the idea. No way, no how. They seem confused that he doesn't want to produce it, as if there are no other people in town capable of putting on a TV show, despite the fact that lots of people in town at this time NOT named Aaron Spelling had primetime TV shows. It's almost as if they're saying that executives go to producers and beg them to make their shows, as opposed to the other way.
Tori Hills, 90210
And this is Tori, who of course looks nothing like Tori herself (the actress, interestingly, also has played Young Jennifer Morrison on Once Upon A Time). She is ALL sweetness and light and brilliance, telling Aaron that she knows what's cool, and shows about old people aren't it. She also then contradicts herself: She's riffling through his briefcase reading scripts, looking for the role of her lifetime, while telling him she doesn't want him pulling strings or placing her on a show -- and yet then complains that if he only makes shows about old people then she'll never get her shot. So basically, she claims she doesn't want special favors, so instead she needs Aaron to get a show where she can pretend NOT to get special favors and then snag them anyway. To THAT end, instead of going out and auditioning, she's sitting by the pool reading Daddy's scripts and then waiting for the right opportunity for nepotism to strike (a nepotunity?). I guess that's honest? As is her outfit. That is very, very true to 1990, although I'm not sure it would've had the spaghetti straps. I think the top would've looked a little clunkier.
Luke Hills, 90210
This kid hasn't worked much except for this movie, and I'm not sure it's going to help his cause much. Legend has it -- I've heard this, actually -- that Luke Perry was paving roads when he was cast on 90210. (Later, in fact, he's all, "Six episodes, and I can go back to an HONEST LIVING," like he's some kind of snob.) So of course when we meet him, he's wearing a hard hat. And squinting. SO MUCH SQUINTING. I know Luke Perry did some of that, but it didn't appear to be an affectation. It's just how his face worked. This guy acts like he's always staring straight into a very powerful lamp.
Luke is brought in to audition for Steve Sanders, and is a total douche about it, because he "can't connect to the part" of a rich kid who's super privileged and arrogant. So instead later he connects to the role of a rich kid who's super privileged and arrogant but with a bad dad (also just like Steve, actually) and Deep Deep Cuts of Neglect.
Jennie Hills, 90210
This actress is a SUPER uncanny ringer for Jennie Garth -- both visually, and vocally. She clearly studied her tape. It's quite an achievement that sadly no one will remember. Abbie Cobb was actually on the rebooted 90210 as Shenae Grimes's cousin who kinda Single White Females her, and yet somehow I never noticed the resemblance then. Must've been that she had dark hair. The point is, she's worked, and yet somehow this feels like the role she was born to play. It's almost distracting how close she is.
Anyway, this is one of those Isn't She Adorably Psychic scenes where we learn Jennie was offered a role on a musical high-school show called Hull High, which she turned down because a) she can't sing, and b) maybe something better will come along. Her agent gives a huge WTF face to this, because that's what this movie's idea of humor is.
Zuckerman Hills, 90210
This very cute lady has to play Ancient Crone Gabrielle Carteris, whom we are reminded time and time again is a whopping thirty years old and therefore should have shriveled up and died years ago along with her ovaries. Instead, she wants to go try her luck at pilot season in LA, even though her agent believes her to be no better than a hideous lost cause at this point in her enormously long life. The weird thing is, there's no mention of her after this until she's at the table read for the pilot. We don't see her auditioning, don't see her lying about her age to get cast (which comes up at the very end), don't see them fall in love with her... nothing. She's just told by her agent that she's a doomed decrepit hag, and then poof, she has a job. I HAVE NOTES.
Priestley Hills, 90210
This guy looks nothing like Jason Priestley, but actually did a surprisingly good job capturing his swagger -- the way he walks, the way he engages in platonic heterosexual male horseplay with other heterosexual horseplaying males, etc. This is the scene where they toss off a reference to him rooming with Brad Pitt (Brad's "Thelma & Louise" script is delivered to their apartment) and all the girls in the courtyard appreciate his milkshake. The character is made to be just like Brandon, essentially, but without the sanctimony. Now, maybe Priestley was like that, or else this is just a failure to dig deeply and bother coming up with a characterization.
I Love My Roommate
This is the third roommate (the one who, in real life, was Brad Pitt's friend and let him crash there for a while). Jason Priestley does a lot of flirting with him, including dunking a basketball onto his chest and then mounting him on the couch. Because that's what bros do. (I am not implying any latent homosexuality here, by the way. Just laughing at this particular form of Forced Broship.)
Bangs Hills, 90210
The actress playing Shannen Doherty was given the gift of Season Two Brenda's bangs, because we all recall that in season one Brenda's fringe looked like it had been chewed on by something feral. This is the MOST she ever looks Shannen when fully facing the camera (somehow this fades later), but...
Minnesota Hills, 90210
... from the side it's actually REALLY strong here. And when she's auditioning with approximated 90210 dialogue, she SOUNDS like Brenda, as if she too watched her episodes for homework. But when when she's actually speaking as Shannen she loses it -- and she also misses Shannen Doherty's signature pursed-lip mischief smile. You know the one. There are some delicacies to what made Shannen a charming Brenda that don't translate.
In this scene, the Minnesota Twins are auditioning after having been handpicked with instant ease and recall by Tori Spelling, Great American Casting Hero Of Our Time. And the two of them are so hot for each other that they start engaging in heavy petting during the scene and have to be reminded not to do that. So of course they're cast anyway, even though everyone in the room goes to take a cold shower and/or watch some Dateline.
Tablescape Hills, 90210
So, "Tori Mitchell" goes in to read for Kelly Taylor. The casting woman immediately writes "SPELLING" on her sheet and flashes it at the dude reading sides with her. Then they do a short expository scene that calls for zero actual ability, and when she doesn't burn down the wrapping room -- so to speak -- they proclaim her an actual acting legend in her own right. She does a victory dance while dressed as a Target tablescape, then leaves so the casting directors can discuss how extremely talented and likable she is. "But the network wants Jennie Garth to be Kelly Taylor," they lament to each other, as if Tori Spelling EVER had a shot at that role in real life. So they decide she'll be the ideal Donna Martin, again, as if nobody else came in who had any chops at all. I mean, I'm sure they WERE pleasantly surprised that she didn't stink and therefore felt relief that they could toss her a bone without upsetting the boss. But, especially with what an afterthought Donna's character was, I don't think anyone really believes Tori Spelling was the cool, bubbling oasis in the casting desert.
Table Read, 90210
When the gang meets each other -- sans Luke, obviously, because Dylan McKay isn't even a glint in Aaron Spelling's eye yet -- there's a lot of teasing because Ian Ziering is really old, and Tori and Brian Austin Green are much younger. All the women also think Jason Priestley is sex on legs, and poor Ian is just Also In The Room.
Bro Hills, 90210
Well, Jason seems excited to meet him, anyway. They seem to be pretending that the famous 90210 Handshake was invented here in a spontaneous eruption of Man Joy.
The actor playing Steve, who is much cuter on IMDb than the show allows, really suffered for his art here. That toupee looks like someone ripped it off Bill's stand-in from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Van Nuys Hills, 90210
Everyone's elation at being in a network pilot is tempered by the fact that they shot the damn thing in Van Nuys, which was once the porn capital of the world, in a decrepit old warehouse. (This is all true.) Also, please check out the jorts on Brandon there. Or Jortson Priestley, if you will.
Star-Crossed Lovers Hills, 90210
I have no idea how old the actor playing The Notorious B.A.G. is, but he does not read 16 -- nor any much younger than the rest of them -- so the jokes about him being a twerpy teen don't land at all. He does at least get to wear LOTS of David Silver's signature blouses, such as in this moment where Gentle Angel of Our Time Tori Spelling reassures him that he looks super handsome in his rayon ladygear.
He then hands her a cassette that he swears will change her life, and I thought EXCITEDLY that we were going to kick off a subplot wherein we could BLAME Tori Spelling for David Silver's entire musical presence on the show. Instead, it's just a tiny nod to his obsession with hip-hop and dancing. The unauthorized story I REALLY want is the one where we find out how the hell David Silver's performances became so precious to them. Or that episode where he raps his mic check at the school dance, and they invite the school from South Central, and his sweet rhymes and dope flow -- plus the choreographed dance everyone else breaks into -- is what teaches those judgmental jerks from the other side of the tracks that these poor, unappreciated, pre-judged kids from Beverly Hills are actually full of cool. You could fill an ENTIRE MOVIE, I'm sure, with scenes where people try to get Aaron Spelling to understand why they have to let BAG sing anything.
Regret Hills, 90210
The pilot screening for the cast goes terribly -- to the point where Gabrielle Carteris applies for waitressing jobs after she sees it. She's right, by the way. The pilot is AWFUL. This film glosses over the existence of Jim and Cindy Walsh, for sure, but it ALSO skips the whole subplot in the first episode about the principal having a crush on the passionate and vibrant Spanish teacher who cannot help but break into her native tongue when properly inspired and is not at ALL a stereotype. Ah, good times. That first episode really is a hot-ass mess.
Superman Hills, 90210
Aaron and Darren decide that, in order to save the show from death, they need a bad boy to offset all the saccharine goodness of Brandon Walsh. So Luke Perry gets called while he's at work, and like Clark Kent before him, goes into a phone booth and emerges in the clothes he will wear to save the day.
Squinty Hills, 90210
Those clothes, of course, are a dirty borrowed shirt from one of his colleagues. He strolls in, lights a cigarette, dumps out a dish on Aaron's desk to use as an ashtray, and proceeds to make the entire room extremely uncomfortable with his attitude. Aaron loves it; everyone else is like, "We will not be interested until 2015, when 'Discount Hemsworth' will be a real thing."
Tidbit: Aaron Spelling had to pay Luke Perry's salary himself because FOX disliked him so much. Say what you will about Aaron Spelling, but the dude had an eye for casting. I cannot imagine anyone else as Dylan, which unfortunately for this kid is part of the problem here.
Jordache Hills, 90210
I just wanted to supply you with a long shot of what are almost certainly Jordache acid-wash jeans on Jennie Garth there. They are like the worst part of everyone's photo albums from this era. We all went there. We all liked it at the time. We all now wish we hadn't. Like Medieval Times, or Chuck E. Cheese.
Wig Hills, 90210
In close-up, Jennie's outfit is so perfectly Kelly Taylor and the casting is still SO GOOD, and OH MY GOD, THE STEVE WIG. You guys, Ian Ziering had it the worst in this, I think. Because not only is he represented by something that is at least 40 percent sponge, but in this scene he's trying to convince Jennie that they need to practice their kissing scenes in order to be more authentic -- and indeed, as a service to the crew members, so that they can get the shots correct the first time. She agrees...
Binaca Hills, 90210
... and then looks grossed out when he blitzes his mouth with breath spray first. Listen, Jennie. That was actually kind of thoughtful of him, if you think about it, even though he was trying to cheat his way into some tongue action. But I feel for Ziering, because much is made about how the actors were all super hot for each other, and NOWHERE in there is Ian Ziering getting any piece of the action. Which may be how it was, but he comes off like a buffoon. If you watch this, then basically that level of coolness and that insane coif are the impression you get about Steve Sanders' legacy. When actually, except for that whole thing where he perpetuated the myth of David Silver's talent, Steve -- upon a re-watch -- is a way nicer and less judgmental human being than Brandon, who is a smug dickweed.
Gotcha Hills, 90210
Anyway, it was a set-up -- Jennie was only pretending to play along, even though they stage this scene like it happened right away and Ian Ziering picked the location. Somehow, magically, Jennie has informed everyone and found a windowed wall where she could pull up the shade and bust Ian's kissing scheme.
Please here note that this movie is pretending Douglas Emerson didn't exist -- Douglas, who played David Silver's partner in crime, Scott. Who later became Dead Scott when he shot himself at his birthday party in season two. HOW DO YOU IGNORE DEAD SCOTT. And how do you ignore killing off Doug Emerson? He was in the cast photos in season one! (And he was famously photoshopped OUT of this one when they pasted in a shot of Luke Perry's head -- look at it and you can tell Luke doesn't quite match. What were they EVER thinking, though, sticking him right in the middle? Scott was never a Center Of The Shot kind of character.) ANYWAY. In addition to pretending such luminaries as Emily Valentine didn't exist, they also rubbed out Dead Scott before he even got to be Dead Scott. OBJECTION.
Homer J. Hills, 90210
The other odd thing about this show is that it acted at times like it was being shot and airing in relative real time -- like, they're still editing episodes of season one, yet Fox is telling them in this scene that after their initial run of 13 episodes the show isn't getting numbers and will be cancelled. It's strange. All the on-set scenes are as if they're JUST beginning shooting the entire series, and all the Aaron Spelling scenes are as if the show has been airing for a while.
Wrongness Hills, 90210
So later, a depressed Darren watches the cut of Kelly Taylor at the sleepover, tearfully recounting being taken advantage of by The Evil John Sears. And they stage this scene out in a field somewhere. You guys, her STORY took place in the woods. The SLUMBER PARTY was in Brenda's living room. PAY ATTENTION. She didn't take them on a nature walk; it was a sleepover. Couldn't they at least put it in someone else's living room?
Darren and the editor agree these are Real Teen Issues and that the show Well And Truly Gets It, so Darren prays for divine intervention to give them a little more time for teenagers to find them. And WHAT HO, look what happens.
Iraq Hills, 90210
The Gulf War begins. And Fox, which doesn't yet have a news division, goes full-bore with its original programming while the other networks all suspend it to cover the conflict. This undoes the cancellation of 90210, because they need "the kitchen sink" at this point, per Barry Diller. (Yes, there is also a cutesy remark from Barry about whether it'd kill FOX to add some news. HAR.) So let's all be clear on this: The movie directly implies that Saddam Hussein himself is to be credited with Beverly Hills, 90210, getting a stay of execution. THE DIVINE INTERVENTION IS WAR. WAY TO GO, LIFETIME. While the fact of that might be true, it's REALLY REALLY QUESTIONABLE to show Darren Star looking skyward and praying for time right before we see news footage of shit blowing up in Iraq. Saddam Hussein was not a gift from the heavens, you guys. COME ON.
Wardrobe Hills, 90210
So now, for a change of pace -- let's not dwell on that whole war business, eh? -- we get to see the cast complaining about clothes as if they have never seen them before. Which is also something that would've happened right away, and not after 13 episodes, which is where the show wants us to think we are. Darren Star is also in there consulting on this, because per this tribute, Darren Star does every single production job there is.
Cardigan Hills, 90210
Maybe my memory is short, but I DO NOT recall Brenda ever wearing any kind of cardigan like this. Ever. Obviously we're not in The Necktie Years yet, but she WOULD at least be in blazers by now. Or just... not that sweater.
Blouse Hills, 90210
However: Considering the movie couldn't recreate actual 90210 costumes for copyright reasons, they did an ace job replicating David Silver's blouses. "I look like an old comedian," BAG complains, but nicely. Then he goes off to dance hip hop, which is all he is ever shown doing, aside from one brief moment in the makeout montage where he's allowing Tori Spelling to suck out his tonsils. However, lest ye forget, Dylan DID wear overalls that hung open. Because I guess even a bad-boy motorcycle-riding Mega-Dude dresses like a farmer now and then. (For real, it made no sense at the time, and it's STILL perplexing. Dylan McKay never would have purchased those. Please even try to imagine Dylan McKay going shopping for clothes at all. His mother would send them to him. MAYBE Iris McKay would send him overalls because she thinks the kids are into them. It's possible. But he would NEVER have fallen into The Gap and walked out of there having dropped $59.95 on those suckers.)
Orange Hills, 90210
Ian Ziering tweeted that he thinks Doug Emerson, in being erased from existence, might've come out of this movie the best. Ian Ziering might be right. Poor Ian.
Tongue Hills, 90210
We now come to the portion of our program where the making out on-camera gets hot and heavy, and Luke Perry allegedly massages Shannen's boob. Which she's fine with, but the network is NOT, so the suits have to instruct the cast on what not to touch ("Above the waist, off of the breasts"). They are of course childish about it, and that gives way to the montage of Jennie and Shannen each making out with Luke and Jason behind the scenes, with some Donna-and-David thrown in just so that we know Tori Spelling was also a coveted human person. The thing is, none of this is a surprise; we all had heard the cast's hormones were on overdrive. But the show unearths absolutely no new behind-the-scenes dirt on it and offers zero perspective. Like, did they all KNOW they were sucking on each others' faces? Was that part of the Shannen vs Jennie conflict that emerged later? Was it all just hormones, was it a contest, was it... what WAS it? Luke and Jason come off like the best of friends the entire time. Did they not care that they were making out with the same people every other day? DETAILS. PERSPECTIVE. It's not interesting without them. You have to SEASON the rice, or else it's just THERE.
Copyright Hills, 90210
We also get a scene set at the Winter Dance where Brenda loses her virginity to Dylan. It's infamous also because Brenda and Kelly wear the same dress to the dance, but apparently, the movie couldn't clone the clothes because, again, the scenes in 90210 are copyrighted. So they gave Shannen and Jennie the same dress with the heart-shaped cutout in the back, but in different colors...
Red Dress Hills, 90210
... and then proceeded not to address WHY they were in the same dress. So if you're watching this with no knowledge of the show, you would be confused. Then again, if you were watching this with no knowledge of the show, I would instruct you to turn it off IMMEDIATELY and just please watch the show itself.
Princess Hills, 90210
Okay but SERIOUSLY this is good casting. It's UNCANNY.
Again, too, the Brenda and Kelly In The Same Dress plot might've been a clever way in to the Shannen/Jennie frustrations -- even if that's not true to life, the show obviously needed to do a better job building the growing animosity, and the dress plot line would've been a good parallel: As Brenda and Kelly fought over who was the alpha, so would Jennie and Shannen, etc. BUT NO. We just get them acting happy during filming of the moment Brenda says she and Dylan escaped the dance to go to a hotel (THEY ARE ALREADY AT A HOTEL YOU FOOLS) and have sex; after "cut" is called, they drop the facade and stop smiling and ignore each other.
Which... I know unfortunately these two women did not get along, but did they have to have Jason Priestley SAY here, "Whenever I've worked on a show with girls they always fight," with a dismissive air? And were there REALLY no hard feelings or jealousies at ALL between the dudes? You mean to tell me Ian Ziering didn't even ONCE feel bad that Steve was treated like the elderly uncle of the gang? EMOTIONS. Why am I bothering. This is Lifetime. But the thing is ,this could have been GOOD, and instead it was slapdash, because Lifetime would rather do things quickly than well.
Turquoise Hills, 90210
If you were expecting to see Donna's massive red dress... copyright strikes again. They didn't do a great job making her one that gave off the same vibe, though. Here, Tori Spelling, Lucille Ball of Teen TV, tells Darren that she has the idea that Donna should be hilarious but with dignity and that if he just sticks a camera on her she'll "do things." Given that they shoot in the middle of the porn industry, she might've wanted to use different wording. But of course, this just leads to the physical comedy of Donna having to back into her chair when she wants to sit down, except it's not funny with this version of the costume. Still, everyone dutifully laughs, because of Tori Spelling, Amy Schumer Of The 1990s.
Bathroom Hills, 90210
After the episode airs where Brenda has sex, FOX's sponsors freak out and threaten to walk, so FOX insists they make Brenda regret it. "A teenage girl can lose her virginity on TV, but she can't enjoy it," summarizes Aaron. Darren thinks this is a travesty because he had written the most honest portrayal of teen sex in ALLLL OF TELEVISION HISTORYYYYYYY, but Aaron tells him to shut his cakehole because playing along on this episode will buy them 300 more and then they can make other better shows together later. The fact that this entire argument takes place in a corporate communal bathroom, after Aaron himself has peeked under the stalls, is amusing to me.
Porsche Hills, 90210
Wait, Steve gets to have his red Corvette (although it lacks the I8A 4RE license plate); is Dylan's black Porsche really under copyright also? Couldn't they have fixed that by having them stand NEXT TO the car, instead of sitting on the hood of a bright yellow version that Dylan would rather die than own?
Anyhoo: Shannen and Luke hate the breakup scene and think it makes no freaking sense that these two kids would stop screwing each other senseless. I do think they saved it a bit with the pregnancy scare, though, and managed to get preachy about it in the right, appeasing kind of ways, before having them crawl right back down each other's larynxes.
Bouffant Hills, 90210
I can't. He's like The Super Drippy Hemsworth. I'm sure they coached this kid into this facial expression thinking it was very Dylan McKay, but he looks more like Your Dumb Neighbor Who Sometimes Mows Everyone's Lawns Shirtless. Dylan McKay may have been a poser at times, but he never looked vacuous.
Tragic Hills, 90210
POOR POOR IAN. Steve ended the show as basically the best guy out of all of them, but it's amazing he made it that far. Also, like, why is the show pretending he only dressed like Clark Griswold? Steve Sanders had an ENTIRE summer wardrobe that consisted only of tiny, tiny shorts and his downy pecs. If you are not giving respect to Ian Ziering's weight-lifting regimen, you are not giving respect to Ian Ziering's contributions.
Lady In Red Hills, 90210
The story behind this is allegedly that Shannen insisted upon wearing a red dress, and that nobody else could wear that color -- this despite Jennie having picked out the red dress first. Tori allegedly settled it by taking the red dress for herself, and Jennie wore one too to spite Shannen, who pouted her way through the day in black. (Here is one of the originals.) By this point, we're also reminded, there were I Hate Brenda newsletters and lots of reports that Shannen spent her time partying and would show up to work late and in a foul mood. I'm not sure why everyone hated Brenda so much back then. I don't remember feeling that way about her. I did like Kelly and Dylan together back then, but that's mostly because of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" playing during that night they spent cuddling up on the beach (a good music cue does wonders for me; the one of the DVDs is SO BAD because they refused to pay for the original, and y'all, it ruins things. PAY SOPHIE B HAWKINS). I also liked Dylan and Brenda, though, and now I'm totally Team Brenda -- well, actually, I'm Team Love Triangle, because I thought it was great and led to their best scenes. Although I have to confess that my fondness for Brenda in GENERAL does in part stem from having seen the ENTIRE series, and recognizing that The Brenda Years truly were the golden ones. And that she was usually right. It's hard to remember what I felt back before I had this knowledge. It's like trying to remember how I felt the day I heard Matthew McConaughey was arrested while naked and playing the bongos. NOW, I think, "Well, yeah, of COURSE that's what he was doing," but back then I didn't know much about him so it was all new and fresh. DIGRESSION.
Bromantical Hills, 90210
Let's get back on topic with a brief moment of Heterosexual Friend Horseplay. These guys are always leaping all over each other. Which is fine. You rock on with your nonsexual foreplay, dudes. But it sticks out because I knew no guys who did this at their age, ever. Maybe this is because I didn't know any actors. (AGAIN: Genuinely not implying anything about actors being gay, or them being gay. I fully believe this is nonsexual foreplay. I actually mean that the few actors I did know as a kid were REALLY exhibitionist, and would be overexuberant in lots of situations if it meant ensuring people were looking at them.)
Reagan Hills, 90210
Let's also pour some out for the world's worst Ronald Reagan impersonator. The story here goes that Luke and Jason were eating burgers at Chasen's when Ronald Reagan tapped them on the shoulders to tell them that he and Nancy love their program. I have no idea if this actually happened, but I assume so? WOULD UNAUTHORIZED LIFETIME MOVIES LIE TO ME?!?!?!
The gents are also then asked to leave because screaming fans are mobbing the entrance and the other diners are uncomfortable. As if any long-standing institution in Beverly Hills, or LA in general, would be thrown off by this. But maybe that's true too. I don't know. I just have to trust this movie that totally didn't have anything to do with Tori Spelling except for the parts about the greatness of Tori Spelling that I COMPLETELY believe came from Tori Spelling.
Bikini Hills, 90210
Everyone is waiting for Shannen, who is late, and bitchy. They put Andrea in a tiny bikini top the likes of which never, EVER saw the light of day on Gabrielle Carteris. I will say that their version of Gabrielle is of an extremely friendly, supportive, and professional person, albeit one whose only conversations with Jason Priestley appear to revolve around a) her greatly advanced age, and b) how she'd love to play Ophelia. No disrespect to Ben Affleck, but please close your eyes and imagine Andrea Zuckerman as Ophelia. The scene in which Andrea has a dream that she's a tightrope walker will be especially helpful in bringing this vision to life for you.
While we're here, I remember there was one episode where Andrea and Steve briefly kissed. I think the show missed the boat on having the two of them be an actual thing, at least for a while. Andrea pining for Brandon, or her horrible newspaper advisor Gil Meyers, was never that good. But jerky popular dudebro Steve and the nerdy intense newspaper editor being in love for real might've been awesome, until such time as they had to paint her into a corner with terrible love interests so that Gabrielle could have her children and then leave the show.
Meanface Hills, 90210
Now we're at the point in the movie where Shannen makes this face at everyone all the time. There are no real conversations about it, or any enduring attempt to get behind her motivations for acting the way she allegedly did. They don't even follow her when she leaves the rest of the group. I mean, THAT is your movie, is it not? There are a hundred other better movies inside this one slipshod mess of a production.
Precious Hills, 90210
The only thing they ever show BAG doing is dancing alone in his dressing room. Full marks to this actor for clearly trying to ape BAG's actual movements, which always veered sharply away from Advanced Hipness and straight into It Might Be A Seizure territory. I hope poor BAG didn't watch this, although in all honesty, watching the original episodes might be worse for him. I'm sure the ENTIRE CAST gets hives if any of them ever catches the one where he's performing at the beach club and Chief Webber, Jim, and Cindy - and the gang -- all have to act really impressed by his talent. Oh, y'all. David Silver in those days remains one of the great excruciating joys of my life.
Squabble Hills, 90210
And then suddenly we get near-fisticuffs. During a routine walk-and-talk in one of Brenda's blazers, Shannen tries to yank down Jennie's tiny mini-skirt mid-stream. After two tries at this, Jennie throws down her props and then just flat-out decides to throw down. They push each other a little in the parking lot before the menfolk drive up and save the little ladies from themselves. It's the world's most boring fight. All they've done leading up to this is shown Shannen being late to work and a little snarky to everyone, which is a bummer, because all these people are more interesting (and less cut-and-dried) than this. However, given that they can't copy costumes exactly, I think those two are pretty damn close to right.
'Hi, This Is Dylan, You Know The Drill' Hills, 90210
I just can't look at this kid without laughing. Here, he's voicing his frustrations about Shannen to Aaron (as do Gabrielle and BAG), but I just keep thinking he looks like the boyfriend on Blossom.
I8A 4RE Hills, 90210
When everyone hates Shannen, Ian takes her out in his character's 'vette and tries to talk some sense into her. "You're like a shark. Or like a tornado. You're like a shark crossed with a tornado," says the future star of TV's Sharknado. "That's stupid," she tells him. Yes, it is. If the movie spent less time trying to be winky about the future and more time on developing the characters of these real and fairly interesting people during a seminal formative time of their lives, that would be GREAT, THANKS. Not one of them seems to have trouble coping with fame and fortune, except for Shannen. In this scene she gets weepy with Ian about how she feels alone and confused, and although it reads like a ploy to make him agree to let her drive the car, it might also be sort of true. Shannen is not a cookie-cutter villain and it's so BORING that this made her into one.
Oops Hills, 90210
La la la he lets her drive, she crashes the car, he takes the blame. They hadn't spoken to each other in the movie before this, and don't speak to each other again after it. THANKS FOR THE MEMORY.
Bonding Hills 90210
And then, at a nightclub, Shannen actually apologizes to Jennie for acting bitchy. She says she's been struggling a lot with all this and it makes her feel scared and then defensive. Would've been nice to see that! Instead they bury the hatchet until the next big drama -- their words -- and of course that drama comes ten seconds later.
Busted Hills, 90210
This is a WEAK-ASS PROP, you guys. This "national circulated" paper is dated July 1990. But the show itself didn't even PREMIERE until October 1990. The movie even acknowledges that in its timeline we've already shot two seasons, and a little Googling told me that this incident happened in December 1992. This isn't even weak sauce; it's the sauce someone made and then forgot to serve and so it curdled on the stove.
The incident: Someone stepped on BAG's foot, and tried to start something with him when he seemed startled, then teased him for being on TV. Shannen supposedly stepped in and went ballistic (although this has her jumping at a guy, and the police report from the time has her hitting his girlfriend). Aaron and the network are freaked out because everyone loathes Brenda but Aaron wants to keep her and exploit the love-to-hate aura. Aaron really was loyal to her, or else just sorta blind to the issues.
Super Soaker Hills 90210
While everyone waits for Shannon, Jason Priestley and Luke Perry shoot water guns at each other, because they are big goobers who goob.
Baja Hills, 90210
I do appreciate the attempt at accuracy on Dylan's signature shirt, though. Also, because they're The Olds, Gabrielle is just reading quietly in her dressing room and Ian is on the phone with his accountant trying to make investments. All you idiots probably should have hung out more with them.
Poser Hills, 90210
But why would you hang out with your GERIATRIC 34-year old co-workers who are saving their money and keeping their shit tight, when you can sit on your hood and spray the pavement?
Bitch Session Hills, 90210
Eventually, Shannen has blown off her job too many times -- for what, we still don't know; this movie digs about as deep as a bee -- and the whole group wants to vote to axe her. Please note that only Tori Spelling, Mentor and Sage, gets to sit in her own chair here, and that she is planted at the center of the group -- thus symbolically as its anchor. I'm sure that's COMPLETELY coincidental to the fact that she had a Lifetime special that aired after this.
Fugtastic Hills, 90210
Shannen appears, and everyone disperses -- except for Tori Spelling, Nature's Peacekeeper, who kindly tells Shannen that she's walking on thin ice and that Tori is her only friend and advocate. It's worth noting that while Shannon is in a half-transparent maxi skirt, Tori is in a WHOLLY transparent button-down smock over a tube top and tiny white shorts. The show is murky about the fact that they briefly tried sending Brenda to Minnesota to college so that she had no scenes with anyone else, and that if she is being fired here then we are deep, deep into season four, when I believe Donna no longer had this hair (she cut it a bit shorter, but hadn't bleached it yet). Also at this time and in incidents afterward, everyone was -- per People -- worried Shannen was dragging Tori Spelling into her drama because she too was partying really hard and getting a bit snide with the press. However, this movie keeps Tori Spelling, World's Perfect Specimen, fully sainted and above any wrongdoing.
Valerie Hills, 90210
Then they replace Brenda with Valerie, aka Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, played by the same actress who did it in the Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story -- which I did not watch, and by the very few lines she has here, I'm assuming it may have been desperately awful. There is a bit of a funny moment where all the guys hit on her, but are shocked as hell to learn she's already BAG's girlfriend. But no mention is made of the fact that Tori would've already known her, given that she played Screech's girlfriend Violet on that show.
Doppleganger Hills, 90210
Let's ignore the fact, again, that Kelly cut her hair into choppy layers for this season, and just enjoy for the last time how UNCANNY this freaking casting is.
The movie ends with Jennie giving Tiffani the once-over and semi-coldly welcoming her to the family, before walking into Shannen's dressing room and looking around possessively while "DOHERTY" is chipped off the door. It's almost chilling, in a way that would've been AWESOME if the movie made it look like Jennie was part of a long-standing conspiracy to give Shannen the boot, and not just a sad clown who felt backed into a corner by her evil colleague.
Epilogue Hills, 90210
Then each person is boiled down to his or her essence as we say goodbye. For poor BAG, it's the implication that by the miracle of acting he managed to date above his station for his entire life.
Old Hills, 90210
For Gabrielle, her button is that SHE'S OLD SHE'S SO OLD YOU GUYS DID YOU KNOW SHE IS THE OLDEST WOMAN EVER ON TV HOW DID SHE GET BY WITHOUT A WALKER SO OLD.
Sharknado Hills, 90210
Ian Ziering's piece IS weirdly happy, actually, given that he's had all this latter-day success. I can't believe it left out the part where he was a Chippendale's dancer and some of the cast went to see him in the show.
Tragic Hills, 90210
This caption implies that old ladies got their rocks off on Naked Luke Perry when he was on Oz, which... seems like an exaggeration.
Reboot Hills, 90210
"Not too shabby" = "Shit, we have nothing interesting to say about Jennie"
Hero Of Our Time Hills, 90210
And Tori Spelling, Pulitzer-Caliber Writer and Star TV Producer, gets to sound like she is just work, work, work, all the time.
Brando Hills, 90210
There is a line earlier wherein Jason talks about a car that could go up to 180 mph, which is a nod to the fact that he BROKE HIS SPINE doing that on a race track. Yes, let's make light of THAT. Although this epilogue is at least kind about it. I saw him once with his kids at a swim lesson, and he seemed super laid back and was reading an Us Weekly. I was trying not to stare, because he was just being a good dad and you would hate to deter someone from going out to support their kids by ogling them. His wife seemed super friendly. The end.
Brenda Hills, 90210
Har, har. But hey, everyone looks hotter in sunglasses, even -- nay, especially -- the villain of the piece. Who in retrospect is the hero of the actual Beverly Hills, 90210, because she made it watchable, and could've been a GREAT flawed and sad heroine if the movie had actually wanted to tell a good story instead of just generate a lot of tweets. Sniffle.
Also, Shannen Doherty is being treated for breast cancer, so... if this reminded me of anything, again, it's that The Brenda Years were THE BEST. Kick its ass, Shannen.