Imagination Place
So, we open with a quick recap that Beverly Hills 90210 is a SUPER HIT, and EVERYONE just LOVES Tori Spelling!!! This is, in fact, a wrap party for 90210, at which Darren Star pitches his idea for MP to Aaron Spelling, comparing it to St Elmo's Fire, which actually makes total sense. He starts off talking about Jake, the motorcycled bad-boy, and this is Spelling's vision. "Like a Hell's Angel?" he asks. "NO, like Dylan, but older."
You had him at "like Dylan."
Casting Place
That said, the bit where they cast people is always fun: there's a whole back and forth about how THIS Vanessa Williams is not the Vanessa Williams you think of when you think about Vanessa Williams, the phrase "there's the red-hot Josie Bisset" is used, a sentence I never thought I'd type. Amy Locane here -- whose firing is dealt with off-camera, with one line about her terrible accent -- notes that she maybe probably totally banged Johnny Depp.
We also learn that Courteney Cox was almost Allison, and that Jason Bateman, Paul Rudd AND Matthew Perry all read for Billy. I can totally see Paul Rudd as Billy. (Matthew Perry would have been terrible; I assume they were hot for him, though, after the pivotal episode of 90210 where he is basically one of the Menendez Brothers and Brandon thinks he's going to murder his dad. [Matthew Perry's Dad. Not Jim Walsh].) But they decide to go with a Canadian named Stephen Dale and obviously, we all know that didn't stick....
No Abs Place
...because Stephen Dale shows up on set and OMG HE'S ALL FAT!!!!!!! despite the fact that he once had abs of steel. (Photographic proof of the Former Abs is provided and everything.) Clearly this cannot stand, and they have to fire the poor dude. If this is true, I find it fascinatingly self-destructive on that actor's part, as he had to know he was supposed to be in six-pack abs shape for that role when time came to shoot the pilot. And Stephen Dale has no IMDB, you guys, so I can only assume this was the end of the road for him, professionally. How did this dude not know this was going to happen? I have so many questions about the mysterious Stephen Dale! Does he regret eating too many donuts in Canada to this very day????
NO. Because "Stephen Dale" is a made-up name, and the actor was actually named Stephen Fanning and don't ask me why they changed that. For all we know, he didn't even get fat! Maybe they fired him because his Canadian accent was too strong, or he was too polite! WE'LL NEVER KNOW. IS HE EVEN CANADIAN? Until today, I didn't expect an unauthorized Lifetime movie to lie to me. I still wanted to know about REGRET, though.
Tori Spelling Is Perfect Place
I am sorry, but there is quite literally no way Real Tori Spelling wasn't involved in these productions, given that Lifetime is clearly terrified of there being even one second wherein it's implied that she's not a genius. Here, Aaron Spelling reminds us that she's the bright mind behind casting Shannen Doherty and Jason Priestley and what's he gonna do about Billy now that this mysterious Canadian with the fake name is so fat!!???????! So Tori casts Andrew Shue for him.
Mouth Breather Place
This actor is a decent Andrew Shue, in that he clearly also noticed that the original rarely closed his mouth. To quote myself in the recap of the She Ripped Off Her Wig episode that I wrote for TWoP a million years ago, "I can't believe that I was all hot for Billy when this episode first aired. First of all, he's SO BORING. Second of all, he acts solely with his teeth. Sad: shows a bit of his bottom teeth. Happy: shows all his teeth and gums. Confused: sticks all his top teeth out, sucks on tongue." This dude really GETS THAT about Andrew Shue. However, he has nothing else to do except make out with Courtney T-S a bit for real, and then they break up and are a little sad but manage to go on and be totally professional about it; she just needs to politely tell him once that he shouldn't use tongue in their kissing scenes anymore, now that they're not together, and he's like, "oh, that's totally true. Really sorry about that, and it won't happen again. I respect you."
Promo Place
I do not recall Dr Michael Mancini ever wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a tie -- what is he? A low-level NASA employee in a space movie? -- but otherwise, this feels pretty bang on. (It actually ISN'T, but it feels like it. Rhonda's overalls!) I'd like to note here that I actually own a giant bus-stop-sized poster of the famous MONDAYS ARE A BITCH ad, and one day I shall frame it and hang it over my desk. I love it.
Anyway, despite the mass amount of cash FOX put into promoting the show, season one is NOT a hit because no one cares about whether or not Billy takes over his father's carpet company and also the reviews are terrible. Everyone is demoralized. Except Thomas Calabro: "If the show gets cancelled, I'll just go back to New York...and do some real acting! IN THE THEATRE!" he announces. Everyone seems to find this amusing. The fact that Thomas Calabro was an amusing blowhard actually makes me love him even more. I have always said he was the unsung talent of Melrose Place!
Zuniga Place
Part of the plan to juice up the ratings involves hiring Daphne Zuniga, who Darren Star knew from UCLA (go Bruins!), and who was sort of hot at the time, because she was in The Sure Thing and Spaceballs. We also learn that Doug Savant -- here, giving her a welcoming hug -- is REALLY nice.
Sydney Place
The dude they cast as Doug Savant is visually good, but the Laura Leighton is great casting all around. She both looks like her and sounds exactly like her. Grant Show is totally hot for her, and they later have a fling wherein she is all, "I want to be professional about this," and he's basically like, "yes, our careers are important. I like and respect you. I also think you are hot." They break up....????.....at some point, because Laura Leighton and Doug Savant eventually fall in love and get married, but none of that happens on camera, which...okay.
KIMBERLY PLACE
This whole time, Aaron Spelling has been pushing Darren Star to really soap up the show -- make Kimberly crazier! Take Michael "fully to the jerk side!" (Both ideas which Marcia Cross and Thomas Calabro here find entertaining, even though it goes against their Theatrical Training) -- and he is, of course, correct. When Darren Star complains that he wants to tackle ISSUES, Aaron Spelling says, "I couldn't have made a movie about AIDS if I hadn't made a show about three braless women fighting crime. Be earnest later!" WORDS TO LIVE BY.
And apparently Genius Aaron Spelling also has "a secret weapon" to boost ratings, in the form of a SPECIAL GUEST STAR...
Amanda Place
It is, of course, Heather Locklear, and...oh, this poor actress. She is NEVER going to be as good as Heather Locklear, but she doesn't even deliver Locklear's welcoming line to her new castmates -- "Did somebody order a bitch?," which is quite good -- with any of the steely zing we love and know. I sincerely feel for her, because this is a really tall order. Katie Cassidy was, I thought, actually GREAT in the Woodwardian role in the MP reboot, but playing a major TV star with mega charisma coming in to play an iconic villain is a lot to ask.
Aaron Spelling's response to her first scene is also a lot to live up to: "Wonderful! Tour de force! Can she act, or what? She's like Olivier," he crows, and...dude. I love Heather Locklear and Amanda Woodward is my personal bitch-hero, but slow your roll. "She's the female villain. THAT'S what we needed. Othello was nothing without Iago!" Darren Star says, because that's completely what he would have said in that moment. Melrose Place and Othello are super similar. Well, I guess they ARE both about infidelity, at points.
D&D Advertising Place
Additionally: Amanda's suits aren't short enough, her roots aren't dark enough, and she should be wearing clogs. That said, the network (rightly) loves her and tells everyone they can do whatever they want now, and she basically saves the show. YAY HEATHER LOCKLEAR.
Matt and Rhonda Place
Doug Savant spent a lot of time worried he was going to be fired, and Vanessa Williams always reassured him. But she, of course, ended up being the one who was fired as the show was revamped. Poor Vanessa Williams! She had nothing to do on the show OR in this movie!
Tommy Lee Place
Anyway, the show takes off, and as you can see, the cast is now mobbed anywhere they go, although I'd argue that Heather Locklear and Tommy Lee probably got mobbed before that, anyway. That said: LOOK AT THIS TOMMY LEE. AMAZING. His hair makes him look like his head is a perfect rectangle. It's amazing.
Heather also has some great life advice for her fellow castmates, who are not used to be followed in the market (for instance): "Just look amazing whenever you run errands." Words of wisdom for us all.
Rolling Stone Place
We need to talk about what they did to Courtney Thorne-Smith's hair here. WHAT. NO. HILARIOUS. (And not THAT off base from reality. Did I block out that haircut on Allison?)
This is also the segment where the woman managing Laura, Heather, and Josie is a little overbearing and not cool to the other actors, and Laura stands up for her fellow actors, and eventually fires that manager, who is totally okay with it, and the whole thing is incredibly amicable. DRAMA!
Gay Kiss Place!
In which Gay Matt's Gay Kiss gets killed by the network, and he is mad about it for a lot of reasons and Darren Star is like, "sorry," and Doug Savant is like, "you're NOT that sorry and you might be kind of a jerk!" except in an incredibly polite and respectful way, and Darren Star is like, "you're right, this is a terrible shame and I wish I could have done more."
Wig Ripping Place
There was apparently a LOT of discussion about how the scar on Kimberly's head needed to be grosser. DRAMATIC TENSION!!!
SHE RIPPED HER WIG OFF PLACE
Sadly, they can't even show the wig-ripping as it truly was, because of copyright issues, I guess, which is...annoying. For one thing, she was IN THE BATHROOM when it happened, not in front of, like, her hallway mirror. This actress, however, really does do her level best. (The acting in this wasn't bad, overall.)
WHAT Place
That said, this shocked audience reaction to her Ripping Off Her Wig was actually really true to life. I've told this story many times before, but I was watching that episode in college with a bunch of people, and given that it was before DVRs, we were all watching live. You literally could hear the ENTIRE HALLWAY of my dorm gasp and scream and people, like, ran out of their rooms, all "OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?" at that episode out. We happened to be taping the episode for a friend who had a study session, so half of my hallway crammed into my friend's room to rewatch the big reveal, because we actually could rewind it and see it again. It was really amazing and memorable -- I don't think I can overstate what a big TV moment it was. It also got GREAT RATINGS and that's when they went FULL SOAP OPERA CRAZY.
Montage Place
This kicks us into a montage of Soapy Shenanigans, which is actually really entertaining and the best part of the movie, but a lot of which hadn't actually happened yet at this point in the show, or was long in the past. To wit, this bit where Josie Bisset wishes SHE could play a hooker, when Sydney was actually running the prostitution ring before Kimberly ripped off her wig. (In fairness, she may have gone back to hooking, because Michael dumped her?) They also have a cute exchange where Heather Locklear and Courtney T-S agree that Amanda's Cancer Makeup looks just like Allison's alcoholic makeup, but Amanda didn't get cancer until several seasons after this one. (I need to note that Amanda and Michael falling in love because he was treating her cancer [despite not being an oncologist] was SOOOO GOOD and not just because when Kimberly found out, she threw a floor lamp into the hot tub in which they were canoodling.) I get the temptation to include all this fun stuff but it's all totally inaccurate. They, in fact, put a card at the end of this movie explaining that they screwed around with the timeline and...it's a Lifetime movie about Melrose Place. You got SO in the weeds assembling this that you had to put in a legal disclaimer?
KABOOM PLACE
Okay, then they decide to really throw all truth in story-telling out the window and explode the building like this. Call me crazy but I am pretty sure they had stunt people doing this stuff when they blew up the apartment complex. (To be totally honest, I probably would have allowed this moment as artistic license if they hadn't made up so much other stuff, and if they hadn't sincerely implied that they nearly blew up Heather Locklear, which I seriously doubt was ever the case.)
The End Place
And then...that's the end! Aaron Spelling is still super successful, EVEN FROM THE GRAVE!
LOVE PLACE
These two are not only still together, but they are also probably visually the best-cast actors in this thing.
Grant Show Place
I forgot to mention earlier that there's a line that Grant Show had to pass on Thelma and Louise to do Melrose Place and while I believe that, the timeline on THAT doesn't work out as presented here, either, as we saw Jason Priestley accept roommate Brad Pitt's script for Thelma and Louise before 90210 had even started. (I actually think it was the 90210 movie futzing that, and not this one, but this pair of movies REALLY likes to name-drop Brad Pitt.)
Marcia Cross Place
ARM PITS!
Woodward Place
I mean, come on. Those are not the dark roots I loved on Amanda, a woman too busy ruling the world to get to the hairdresser as often as she might have actually wanted to.
Mouth-Breathing Place
I want to kiss the editor who made the executive decision to use THIS as a freeze-frame for Billy.
Wig Place
They do not mention that she was also on Secret Life of an American Teenager, and had to grit her way through a plotline where it was legitimately presented to us that a man's plane crashed and killed him because his child had premarital sex.
Daphne Zuniga Place
And this fails to mention that one of those jobs was as Brooke's mother on One Tree Hill, a role in which Zuniga was legit really REALLY good.
Courtney T-S Place
I feel like this actor looks nothing like Courtney Thorne-Smith, whose Allison Parker I really REALLY loved to hate. Remember when she got so mad at Amanda because Amanda wouldn't let her take off a day from work with no notice to go shopping with her wedding coordinator? BE PROFESSIONAL, ALLISON.
Michael Mancini Place
I also need to note that Thomas Calabro is a genius and I wish he worked more. There is a moment in the She Ripped Off Her Wig episode where he breaks up with Sydney and throws her out of the house and she is screaming that she's going to ruin him (she blackmailed him into marrying her because she knows he killed Kimberly, BUT Kimberly has come back from the dead) and his whole reaction is to pick up a giant tub of tuna salad with an expression of pure delight. He's the greatest.
Darren Star Place
And Darren Star goes to New York and finds....INSPIRATION! Get ready for Sex and the City: The Unauthorized Story!!!