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# Fug The Olympics: The Opening Ceremony Theatrics
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-olympics-the-opening-ceremony/
- Published: 2012-07-30T15:00:40.000Z
- Updated: 2012-07-30T17:32:27.000Z
- Author: Heather
- Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:31

## Awesome person

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/07/149356569_10.jpg)

If there is one thing the Brits REALLY do well, though, it's creatively patriotic garb. And face paint. Maybe Danny Boyle should've just let these people run amok for a few hours.

## Sheep

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149356620_10.jpg)

Now, I realize all these things had Important Meanings that Meredith Vieira and Matt Lauer bleated at us -- amid a bunch of stuff being cut out because of commercial breaks, BOO -- but is anyone going to remember half of that? I've already forgotten. But when we saw the first images, my husband was like, "Are those... ACTUAL sheep?" Yes. Yes they were. The grand opening images of the ceremony were all about how British people used to really, really dig on their sheep.

## Rugby

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149359749_10.jpg)

They also used to enjoy combining some sort of early rugby-like game with a rousing edition of "Where's Waldo?"

## Balloons

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366628_10.jpg)

And is there ANYTHING more British than giant balloons that look like massive Lotto balls?

## Kenneth Branagh

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366748_10.jpg)

Yes there is: Kenneth Branagh pretending to be Abraham Lincoln. *\[\* Yes, I know he's not really Abraham Lincoln, commenters. But looking at him and listening to him, I am not sure anyone told HIM that. IT WAS A JOKE. Please remember that I am not a comedy writer. My jokes are going to thud sometimes.\]* For a moment I thought this was going to be some sort of gloaty reminder that we schooled them in that pesky war, but in the end it was just an excuse for Kenneth to deliver a long speech and them give himself indigestion from gobbling all the scenery.

## Peasants

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149362511_10.jpg)

And as we all know, there's nothing Britain's working class loved more than a drum line.

## The Industrial Revolution

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149377703_10.jpg)

Then we spent a long period of time waiting for everyone to roll up the grass and turn the field into an ode to the Industrial Revolution and

## Smokestack

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149362530_10.jpg)

Yes, because every Briton in the world -- nay, EVERY citizen of ANY country -- wants to focus on the time their gem of a pastoral country discovered pollution and the sexy, throaty hedonism of Black Lung Disease.

## Olympic Rings

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366465_10.jpg)

They did smelt some Olympic rings, which came together over midfield and then shot out a bunch of sparks, which admittedly looked pretty freaking cool.

## Kenneth

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4405-800x533.jpg)

"Yes, but wasn't. I. MARVELOUS."

## Bell

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149362892_10.jpg)

"Okay, lads! Dinner!"

## Human Ball

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366323_10.jpg)

The Industrial Revolution was also famous for the time alien beings came down and rolled around in ovular balls and foretold [a strange thong-wearing crackpot who would one day arrive at a party inside an ovum and then hatch from it](https://gofugyourself.com/grammy-awards-wtf-lady-gaga-02-2011?ref=go-fug-yourself.ghost.io). At the time the soothsayer was of course burned at the stake but now everyone feels pretty bad about that knee-jerk judgment.

## Jet Packs

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149365833_10.jpg)

And there was a celebration of that uniquely British quality of wearing jet packs.

## QEII

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149365932_10.jpg)

And then a celebration of that uniquely British quality: deepest skepticism.

## James Bond and QEII

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4406-800x533.jpg)

The Queen had actually done a pre-taped bit that implied James Bond was escorting her to the ceremony by helicopters. Her reaction to all this is similar to what I imagine she'd do if someone told her they were out of biscuits so would she settle for a scone with her tea?

## Queen Jump

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149365844_10.jpg)

And then, in a tender display of national loyalty, everyone clapped as James Bond hurled their monarch out of a helicopter. Meredith and Matt were beside themselves trying to clarify that it was NOT THE REAL QUEEN. Up until that point I think we were all pretty sure this was real, and that she would come down with muskets blazing and then land in Camilla's lap while "accidentally" carving off her ear.

## Mr. Bean

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149363262_10.jpg)

In my best Seth Meyers: "What this ceremony needs is more Mr. Bean," said absolutely no one.

The thing is, too, I LOVE Rowan Atkinson from Blackadder, and Blackadder is truly his beloved body of work over there. It always saddens me that people think Inveterate Dope is tops in Rowan's skill set. Even he realized that: He was a dolt in season one of Blackadder, which I always pretend does not exist, and then clever and diabolical and arch in the other seasons. Sigh.

## Rowan Atkinson

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149363194_10.jpg)

Although, Mr. Bean did have ONE moment in which he ably embodied my feelings.

## Bedtime

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149363376_10.jpg)

We then moved on to a stirring ode to hospitals. No, really. This happened. *\*Yes, I know, commenters, it was to the National Health Service, but... that still feels like a strange choice to me. Sorry, it just does.\**

## Princess Anne

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149372478_10.jpg)

"This only makes sense if Henry VIII pops up with an oozing leg wound, syphilis, and the head of his child bride on a spear."

## Dancing nannies

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149363374_10.jpg)

This gave way to some malarkey celebrating bedtime, because I guess the Brits invented going to sleep. Although the NBC opening package DID spend an inordinate amount of time trumpeting the Prime Meridian and Greenwich Mean Time, so maybe this is Danny Boyle's way of saying, "If we hadn't invented time, PEOPLE WOULD NEVER KNOW WHEN TO GO TO SLEEP. YOU'RE WELCOME, MAKERS OF AMBIEN."

## Creepy Doll

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149380402_10.jpg)

THEN, the massive centerpiece becomes... villainy. No, really. I can't even remember who this is supposed to be -- I thought it was British Literary Evil, so my guess would be Captain Hook or some less appliance-based pirate, but frankly he looks kind of like Napoleon -- but all these giant puppet heads of terror started popping up, and the whole bedtime thing became a tribute to nightmares. I'm not even making that up. IT WAS ON PURPOSE. So let's recap: Great Britain, via Danny Boyle, has chosen here to celebrate its sheep, its smokestacks, its jet packs, its giant ball people, its bells, its sick beds, and its penchant for scaring the crap out of children.

## Creepy Doll

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149365775_10.jpg)

This is how I felt on the inside at this point. And on the outside, actually.

## Voldemort

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149365950_10.jpg)

Listen, Danny, I don't mean to scare you, but He Who Shall Not Be Named would REALLY not be happy that you dragged him into this.

## Voldemort

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366215_10.jpg)

Somewhere, Voldemort is APPALLED that these people think he is anything less than slavish about moisturizing his hands.

## Mary Poppins

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149380433_10.jpg)

If JK Rowling had realized that a plucky sprite with a brolly could've put down Voldemort, she'd have had a lot less money in the bank but a LOT more spare time. As someone on Twitter said -- and I'm paraphrasing; his/her version was funnier but I can't remember it -- at the very least, we know Mary would've made sure Tom Riddle took his medicine.

## Mary Poppinses

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149363322_10.jpg)

In fairness, by this point, Ms. Poppins had help because she'd invented cloning.

## WTF

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149380159_10.jpg)

And then after the Poppii defeated the Dark Lord with their umbrellas made of elder wood and medicine that tasted of human compassion, a terrifying, massive baby birthed itself onto center stage.

## QE II

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149363018_10.jpg)

"*We* have notes."

## Becks

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4416-800x533.jpg)

"I may not be lighting the torch, but I AM lighting your loins."

## QE II

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149369699_10.jpg)

"Oooh, aye, that *was* one of Our notes."

## Mini Cooper

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149365835_10.jpg)

Our next phase was some ode to British music that inexplicably began with a modern-day Mini Cooper. Presumably this is supposed to remind us all that, for all its vast palaces and immense historical landmarks, the Brits are very good at making tiny things.

## Michael Fish

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4410-800x533.jpg)

I have to stop here and note that in some of the on-screen stuff, they showed a clip of notorious BBC weatherman Michael Fish, whose non-forecast of the Great Storm in the '80s -- he said, in effect, that someone had called up all panicky about a storm but that nothing was going to happen so we could all just relax (and instead it was pretty big; my dad couldn't go to the train because of fallen trees, AND SCHOOL WAS CANCELLED, so obviously it ruled) -- turned him into a figure of infamy. So while this is sort of a funny inside joke to some Britons, to the world it looks like a) the British are really, really into meteorology; b) the British are really, really into naked pates; c) d) the British are really, really into inaccurate weather forecasts; or d) the British really, really do not like to let things go.

## Texting

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/IMG_4411-800x533.jpg)

And then. You guys, I can't even. This was the worst thing that has ever happened. During the music homage, they scripted some kind of "love story" wherein people in modern times went out on the town and met and fell for each other (translation: got drunk and laid), and there were a bunch of graphics with hideous faux-status updates and messages on them. I was going to joke that this is an obvious celebration of Britain's world-leading interest in text messaging, but then I remembered that they actually WERE doing it before most of us -- I remember when my sister was moving back from over there and she was all, "I'll need a good texting plan," and I was like, "TEXTING? Oh, honey, we don't TEXT over HERE. That's CRAZY TALK." Well.

## QE II

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149380025.jpg)

"Humph. Nobody told Us that 'LOLZ' takes a Zed. We are not amused."

## Masks

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366038_10.jpg)

Right around this time I was curled up in a fetal ball.

## Ode to the Tube

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366037_10.jpg)

And somehow this was supposed to represent the London Underground? Where are the giant escalators, and a dude booming MIND THE GAP? If you wanted to do a Tube thing, it would've been way better to have people stand in configurations and use glow sticks to form the map. YOU'RE WELCOME, MR. BOYLE.

## Dove Bikes

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149383012_10.jpg)

And then of course they released the hounds, if by "hounds" you mean people on bicycles dressed as doves.

## 'This Is For Everyone'

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149366163_10.jpg)

This was an homage to the dude who invented the Internet, and did so for free and for all, which is a nice touch about something that I believe a lot of people didn't realize about London/this man. In fact, I forgot it as soon as I heard it, and when I saw this slide I thought it was at the end of the dancing texters section, but the angry commenters quickly corrected me, so here we go.

## QE II

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149362996.jpg)

"Good grief, now Al Gore is going to call me and talk my ear off about the Internet..."

## Let The Games Begin

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149379981_10.jpg)

"Let's get this blasted show on the road so We can watch EastEnders and go to bed."

## The Torch

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149380732_10.jpg)

Okay, the torch was pretty cool -- it was a BIT of a cop-out, to me, to have Potential Future Olympians gang-light this sucker, but they all lit petals that rose up and formed the cohesive whole, and it was visually very effective.

## Paul McCartney

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149377767_10.jpg)

And then Paul, with his baby-smooth face and robust locks, came out and sang "Hey, Jude." I'm sure Ringo was at home, all, "I DO still HAVE drumsticks, Paul..."

## Fireworks!

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149369568_10.jpg)

And then they all basically prayed Tower Bridge didn't catch fire. (It did not.) The fireworks were pretty cool, actually, appearing to extend all down the Thames.

## Awesome

![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/07/149380328_10.jpg)

And this is my favorite photo of all. I just love the Union Jack. I love London. I love Olympic fromage. And I LOVE swimmers' abs. So this is going to be a great two weeks.

[Fug The Olympics: The Opening Ceremony TheatricsI need to clarify up front: Jessica and I love the Olympics. Love. LOVE. We love the cheese, we love the sappy NBC packages designed to weave our heartstrings into a quilt of tears, we love the actual sports, we love the flags, we love the anthems, we love Wry Bob Costas, we love being super frustrated by all the commentating... All of it. But that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun with it, right? And the opening ceremony in London was, in a word, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Which is olde-timey musical speak for "WTF." If I were in charge -- and what I'm about to say is among the many reasons why I am NOT in charge -- I would've been like, "Look, we're not going to beat Beijing. That shit was intense. So let's just have a big ol' rock concert and then blow off some fireworks every fifteen minutes." Or maybe I would've done an homage to my favorite things about growing up over there, like all those murdery royals, pubs, castles, Abbeys, murdery royals buried in various 'minsters next to their sworn mortal enemies because the Brits want drama even in the afterlife, and of course admirably flavored potato crisps (my interpretive dance for "Prawn Cocktail" flavor would have been majestic). Maybe all of the above, with Joan Collins coming in on a barge. Sniffle. Oh, what might have been... \[Photos: Getty\]![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/07/149356569_10.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-olympics-the-opening-ceremony-07-2012/)