GUESS WHO???
Ay, I do not know why they shot my entrance on this WALKWAY with the windows and the gray and the blah. They should shoot me walking through wreaths of flores and naked men bowing at my feet and offering me grapes, because we should show people what a regular day in mi vida looks like, no?
EL COCHE
"Lookit! It's formal shorts! Because I am RELAXED, lovers. I am SLEEPING at night. I do not have to wake up and plug straw holes in my major veins because my husband gets snacky. Ay, but do you know how many people got fired because I was not told my shirt went bunchy? SIETE. At least that's what Randy told me, because I went rage blind."
EEEEEEEEEK
"Perdon, amigos, but are we here to send people to Hollywood, or to Hufflepuff House? HA! You didn't think I knew who Larry Potter WAS, DID YOU? But listen, lovers, if it pulls a bird out of that hat or starts singing a song about ultimate evil, I WILL avada his kedavra with my COCA-COLA THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF AMERICAN IDOL YAAAAAAY bendy straw."
MAS COCHE!
"ME AGAIN! This time, seven people got fired for putting me in pleated shorts that give me Old Man bulge! Lovers, I am all for comfort, especially because I have to drink so much COCA-COLA THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF AMERICAN IDOL I LOOOOVE IT all day while we listen to sad clowns sing Adele. BUT. I do not bloat THERE. I do not need a pelvis balloon."
RANDY NO
"I do not have anything to do with this, lovers. And nobody got fired! BELIEVE ME I TRIED. They said, 'Jennifer, we cannot get rid of Randy, he is like a teddy bear, and people love him, dawg,' and I said, 'Do you think people are saying 'I love dogs' and not 'I love him dawg,' and they said, 'We don't care.' FINE. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS PEOPLE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE? Wait, si. I am. Es yo. So suck it, blood glasses!"
Whoopsie!
"Lovers, I FORGOT ABOUT THE SHORTS THEME. So I had them censor me so that you cannot tell. Is it a crotch or is it a skirt? MYSTERIES. Like the time I woke up married to Marc. HOW? WHY? WHEN? Nobody knows."
Psst
"Ay, but Randy, what IS it with you? Why CAN'T you wear normal shorts? Why is this one like a plaid toaster pastry?"
Phew
"HOLA SHORTS! Lovers, I found a Land's End catalog in my house from 1991 and it has been my inspiration. Well, for part of it. That other thing is a leather sports bra, because lovers, you do not know when you are going to need to dance. Or dance FIGHT."
BLEEEP
"I wear this patch for when I WORD FIGHT. And the glasses for when I cannot look at Lord Tylermort without crying."
MAS SHORTS
"THIS is why I wear shorts, really, lovers: my muscles. LOOK AT THEM. You could strum them and it would play Stairway to Heaven."
Ayyyy
"Es posible my shirt flew open because I accidentally flexed my muscles and it snapped. Es MAS posible that my shirt is trying to run away from the mummified version of the kid from Up who showed up to judge. Es MAS MAS posible that we are all terrified of this:"
WHAAAAA
"THOSE ARE NOT CLOTHES. THEY ARE PRACTICALLY TATTOOS."
NOOOO
"CHILD. LOCA.You cannot let the meat out of the bun! And NOT in front of Lord Voldesmith! Do you KNOW how much COCA-COLA THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF AMERICAN IDOL WITH NO ALCOHOL IN IT WHATSOEVER I have to drink to forget when He Who Must Not Be Aroused over there sees that much young ladyflesh? WAS MARC NOT TORTURE ENOUGH? Is this the bill I have to pay for being so bonita?"
Eeeek
"Even my vampire eyes cannot make sense of things."
Meee
"Lovers, for our second day in San Diego, I decided to dress up? Why? MEN IN UNIFORM, lovers. They are the real heroes. I have to give them a reason to DREAM. The dots are like little islands where they can imagine docking their fancy metal ships. I am sure nobody cares that Kate Winslet wore this ten months ago. I mean, Kate Whoslet?!? AM I RIGHT? BORING. My side-abs would beat up her side-abs and then grill them and then put them in a sandwich and then probably not eat it because my body is a temple."
Meeeee
"Also, can Kate LOSElet give Empathy Face when confronted with HER OWN MORTALITY? And no, I am not talking about sitting next to Draco Malface. I am talking about THIS:"
Jane Carrey
"Lovers, this is Jim Carrey's daughter. Who seems very nice and talented and normal and who I met when I was a Fly Girl. WHEN SHE WAS TWO, LOVERS. DOS. SHE IS 24 NOW. Do you know how much ACTING it takes to seem happy about this? You have made a POWERFUL ENEMY TODAY, anti-lover! See you in Hollywood, SEE YOU IN HELL."