HOLA ASPEN

"What, este old thing? You think ESTE is what I am going to wear in the room? HAHAHA, lovers! THIS is just my 'get out of bed and throw it on' cardigan. THESE are just my breakfast earrings! You are so naive, lovers! This doesn't even have important sleeves!"

HOLA AGAIN

"NOW I AM READY."

Hmm

"What, Randy? You think my lipstick makes me look cold? You think I look like I just ate a gum popsicle? You think I look like the morning after one of Marc's all-you-can-drink buffet parties? Well, SHUT IT, STRIPES."

Threats

"Listen, lovers, I have another secret: Sometimes, the way to happiness is THREATS. I do not have time for Ann Taylor over there to say, 'Ohhhh, I must hear more, I am so INTRIGUED by how you open your mouse and the sound of a mouse in a blender comes out! It is so INTERESTING the way your singing is the same as putting a flagpole in a meat grinder!' I am only getting paid eighty thousand dollars a day. I WILL NOT STAND FOR LOS TONTOS FOR MINIMUM WAGE."

Ahhh

"A new day, a new outlook, lovers. Today I went zebra. I am an animal. I am a CAT. I have senses that are muy fantastico. I can FEEL THINGS with my MIND."

Ehhh

"And I can smell things with my nose. But I choose not to, lovers. I choose NO."

The money!!!!!

"Whaaaaaat, what is everyone looking at? Have you not ever seen a perfectly normal estomago made of skin stretched over PURE STEEL before?"

EL DINEROOOOOOOO

"Oh, silly boys, teehee, if I had known dressing like an extra in Grease would have made you so tingly I would have worn a caftan! Although lovers, I would never have been an extra in Grease. I would have been Sandy, and then changed the ending so that she rams her stiletto up Danny's nose and says, 'HERE is my greased lightning, Slimeface Bouffant,' and then stolen his car. Psst, also, doesn't Lord Stevedemort look better blurry? Maybe you should watch our show drunk, lovers. It might help. Do you know what mixes well in COCA-COLA THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF AMERICAN IDOL DO NOT ATTEMPT UNLESS YOU ARE 21? Everything, lovers. Everything. Trust me. I have tried."

Fug the Show: American Idol, Auditions 4 and 5

"HOLA, LOVERS! Let me tell you a tiny secret, amores: This job is BORING. I do not want to hear eighty five eleventy thousand people sounding like Toni Braxton in a mousetrap! This is why I try to bring the fabulous, lovers. Because I want to scare them. I want to scare them into going home and letting me live mi vida without one more person saying, 'Ay, Jennifer, you are my inspiration, you are why I am so excelente,' and then making a Kelly Clarkson song sound like Ben Whatballs eating pancakes. I would rather drink a Dirty MarTylerHAHAHAHHAHA I kid you, lovers. I am so funny. Can I be the Most Beautiful and Hilaaaarious Woman this year?"