Jennifer Lopez
"Look at this mane. It says, 'I am a LEO, lovers. I ROAR FOR YOU.' It also says, 'Do not run your fingers through me. IT IS A TRAP. They will be torn off by barbed-wire made from keratin and hairspray!' Marc used to call that 'dessert.'"
Yo
"Let us back up to a more terrifying time. Lovers, it got me AGAIN. TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. I even tried to make my outfit more scratchy, but it does not matter. Aeroslytherin feels no pain."
Yo
"You might think it is strange that I wear my hair like the old New Kids on the Block, but I will tell you what, lovers. We are the same. We are both from a block. And at the end of that block, Randy rus a yogurt shop where everyone wears little hats and sings to you when you order a sundae. Get it? YO-gurt? HAHAHAHAHA lovers I live to keep you on your toes."
Mas yo
"Lovers, this maternity gown is as close as you will get to seeing me say the words What To Expect While You're Expecting. I am in that movie. I got the only part where I do not have to wear a giant belly HAHAHAHA SUCKERS but lovers, it is poo. So I am going to promote my song instead, because I will make more money that way and those other lady women from the movie will not."
The Idols
"Here is my theory, lovers: Tommy Hilfiger spent all season dressing these clowns Beyonce + Fleetwood Mac + ESSENCE OF LOPEZ BUT ONLY THE ESSENCE BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE IT ALL + scarves. And it was all so he could spit them out looking like an Old Navy commercial and have people say, 'Yay, Tommy, I need to buy all those clothes, here, take my money and go on vacation to Capri.' So inteligente, lovers. I would marry him if he were twenty years younger than yo."
MUSICAL GUEEST!!!
"And then we had a tiny musical guest come on and DELIGHT THE SHOW with REAL TALENT and also SEX PARTS. Quien fue? Guess."
HOLA
"TA-DA! IT IS MEEEE! This is how it is done, skaters and gymnasts and dancers and Christina Blahguilera and Beyughce. They call them Leotards because you don't wear them if you are some watery sign or the one with the scales or the crab. They are for JUNGLE QUEENS, lovers."
Randy
"Randy was so happy he sneezed all over his jacket."
PERFECTO
"And then I put men in slings and cargo pants, so they can be sex soldiers in the war on BORING."
My boo
"And then Casper came out and we made it sexy. I was saying on another episode, lovers, that this song is a beautiful message. It is about how much I want to have sex with this man. The lyrics are so personal, lovers. They make me cry with their deepness. They go like this: 'I want to dance and love and dance again and then love and dance more and love and dance and daaaaance and loooooove on the floooor.' Wait, that is the other song. Eh, buy them both."
DE NADA
"You do not need to thank me, lovers. But you will, so: You are WELCOME."
Wha?
"Ay, but then I might have to have a fight with Casper here. Because during my big bow he walked up INTO MY MOMENT and picked confetti out of my hair. Except NOBODY COULD SEE ANY CONFETTI, y also, why does he think I care about having confetti in my hair? I live my life like I have confetti in my hair all of the TIME, lovers. He was just hogging my spotlight. I am going to have to lay down the law on him, lovers. On the floor. After we dance and love and dance again, but before we love and dance and dance-love and love-dance. If you do not understand the difference then you have so much to learn from my single BUY IT."