Los Tres Amigos, minus two amigos, maybe plus one again
"Lovers, what I wore for this was important. This is the beginning of the part where we sit down more and listen more to people yelling at music. Before I was a shorts-wearing vagabond! Now I am a dominatrix of musical wisdom! My skirt pleats with danger! The contestants see me, and they know este: I will be kind, like a schoolgirl, and yet also firm, like a schoolgirl, and then also mean, like a schoolgirl."
Mas yo!
"And on the second day, Dios created yellow coats! I do not wear this inside, lovers, because it is unfair to put so much sunshine next to Cadaversmith."
Girl I Saved
"And this is where the miracle of YO begins, lovers. First this girl wearing a rug came out and sang things, and I thought about whether I should vacuum her and whether it would make it sound better."
Girl I Saved Moments Before I Saved Her
"And then she went PLONK off the stage and onto the floor because she was tired and had not drank any COCA COLA THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LET AMERICAN IDOLS DIE."
Yo and two other people
"I was so scared, lovers. I had never seen a rug do that."
Is there a MILAGRO in store?!?
"And then somebody said, 'BRING HER A COKE SOMEBODY BRING HER A COKE THIS GIRL NEEDS A COKE WHEN IS THE LAST TIME SHE HAD A COKE,' and I said, 'No, what this girl needs is LOPEZ and my PANTS OF PURITY."
DO YOU SEE ME?!?!?!?
"So I went down to her and I sat next to her and I put the lamp of my kindness on the rug of her tragedy. And then she sat up and everything is fine and I win."
UNA PREGUNTA, POR FAVOR
"Lovers, why is Hoda Kotb carrying a switchblade? Is that Kathie Gizzard so bad?"
Yo
"After I single-handedly saved the life of the sad girl, I decided to wear white again, lovers, in case anyone else needed an angel. And they DID. Lovers, I have never seen people faint like this, not since that time Marc put an ad on Craigslist for women who eat a lot of spinach and then hooked them up to his mechanical udder!"
Yo
"Sometimes I wonder, lovers, if this show will get investigated for harmful working conditions. The children are not eating and drinking! They are tired and they are stressed and they are fainting! And I am forced to sit next to a man in a jacket with a patch about farming! Vocational agriculture! Like people grow things on PURPOSE! HAHAHAA."
Eww
"... Pero, I think Forever 87 over here is worse."
VERDE!
"WHEE! Another day of sitting and drinking COCA COLA THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF SELFLESS LIVE SAVERS and telling people who can't sing that they have changed my life! Today I skipped white. I cannot save everyone, lovers. I do not want to spoil them."
Holaaaaa
"Do you see how SERIOUS I can be, lovers? Aeroscarf over there looks like he just discovered a cabinet full of boobs. SOMEBODY has to be stern, lovers. SOMEBODY has to put her hair in a knot of judgment and then GET THIS THING DONE."
Siiiiiigh
"And then sometimes, lovers, I have to put on my comfy swobe and tell some children to get out of here because the sound of their voices makes my blood curdle, which... WAIT. I DO NOT HAVE TO CARE ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. HAHAHHA. Everybody stay!"
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"Take a moment, lovers. Love my loving loveitude. I glow in pink. I swish with sparkles of yes."
Okaaaaay
"I have to look good, lovers. I have to when I am sitting next to the Hogwarts choir master and he is trying to pull ACTUAL frogs out of people's throats."
Yo y Other Man
"And then I put on my nicest pure love shirt with my MEANEST JUDGE FACE, lovers, and I slice children out of the show and out of my life like old husbands. I AM RUTHLESS, lovers. I AM TRUTH. LOPEZ OUT."