Yo
"So lovers. Last year they said, "J.Lo, you are the most beautiful person in humanity." And they were CORRECT, lovers. Then Dumbyonce had one baby -- ONE BABY, ONLY ONE AT A TIME, LOVERS, LIKE THAT IS SO HARD -- and suddenly SHE is the most beautiful whatever in a two-mile radius or something."
Yo Dream Of Jenny
"And now it does not matter how much sparkle genie I become, or how much of my most beautiful abdominals in a forever-mile radius I show you. They TOOK ME OFF-STAGE, lovers. See this:"
Yo
"Why am I being shoved down the STAIRS, lovers, instead of out on stage to glow and radiate? Why do I have to play slappy hands with the peasants and get dragged to my death by Smellbus Fumbledore up there? What if he DROPS ME and I fall and I break my most beautiful booty of the galaxy? Is nobody worried about ME?"
Ryan
"But no, everyone ignored MY sad story because Ryan was puking before the show blah blah blah sicky-poo and he was all green and pale and his hair looked like it was trying to fly away from the germs. Lovers, I would also have liked to fly away from the germs. But, if el morte is not an option, do you go Ryan Barfcrest or Lord Moldemort? They do not pay me enough for this, lovers."
Girl Seacrest
"And then Ryan's little girlfriend was behind the camera giggling about things, because she is in love with the shouty, growly boy who is trying to win Lopez Idol, and Ryan wanted to embarrass her. That is embarrassing, lovers. Do not have crushes on a man who sings like is passing a kidney stone."
Hippie Girl
"We will not speak of this, lovers. SPOILER. She got eliminated. And we will never have to see her wear robes again. She is like Lady Scareosmith up there. They should get married and give birth to babies who wear scarves."
El Perrooooooo
"See? Even Randy loves me. Some people thought he was just wearing his favorite word, but he is wearing his favorite PERSON. See, he is wearing a pin that says Yo, which is espanol for I, which of course is YO, because this is my show and not his show."
Sparkle Yo
"Lovers, I tried to grant myself three wishes -- stand center stage, set fire to Aeroscarf, make Assfleck gain thirty pounds of gambling weight -- but they did not come true. So I granted YOU a wish. Here are my legs. YOU ARE WELCOME. TAKE THAT, BOOOOYONCE."
Katy Perry
"What was she wailing about? I do not remember. I was trying to figure out when war zones got their own volleyball team."
Yo, ROCKING OUT
"And then lovers, I brought EL THUNDER. Because when we cut Hippie Girl she sang Led Zeppelin and my stomach was hurting from all the patchouli smell so I decided to channel it into Hard Rock Appreciation. Can BLAHyonce do that? I DO NOT THINK SO."