Los Tres
"Ay, look at that thing on Randy. It is like bedazzled Caddyshack. It looks terrible with my sexy leather, and I think he did it on purpose so people will not see my glory. I am watching, dawg, which translated into espanol is perrow HAHAHA."
Sad Girl
"Explain something to me, lovers: If the complaint is that the stylists dressed Blonde Kristen Stewart too old, then WHY WAS THIS THE ANSWER? Ay, this is only the answer if the question is, 'What do drum majors wear in the University of ABBA Marching Band?' or 'What could Jennifer Lopez wear that nobody else in the world could wear because she is magnifica?' Do I have to show them how it is done next week? Work, work, work, lovers. You do not know. They are really making me EARN my million dollars a week."
Sad Flowers
"And why did we make her sing in front of fake dandelions? They are the Suckfleck of flowers: One sneeze and suddenly all that hair is a LIE."
Oopsieeeee
"I should ask for a raise, though, lovers. Because they brought on my ex-lover Puf..P.... Sea... um, Diddy. Hee! See? I did that on the show, too! I almost called him Puffy, and then I had to stop and correct, and then I had to tell you that I stopped and corrected in case some of you were not born yet when I gave him his start in this business. Oh yes, lovers. He is famous because of me. You think if he had dated Jennifer Lipface Ughfleck, he would be where he is now? No. You are welcome."
Wheeeee
"Ay, much better, Randrew Jackson. But just in case, I turned up the funk to eleven."
Meeee
"And I turned up my slit to fifteen."
WHOA
"And then THIS HAPPENED. We were celebrating the 85th anniversary of the day somebody pulled Skeevosmith out of a flower bed and so we sang and lovers I HUGGED IT. I HUGGED IT GOOD."
hahaha
"And then I clutched it to my pink-hot bosom and SMOTHERED IT and blocked its face from the camera and reminded the world that this is MY SHOW. MINE. Or as we say on The Block, 'MIIIIIIINE.' I think. Sometimes I cannot remember which block I am supposed to be from."
Teehee
"He seemed muy happy for all my passion."
Haley
"And then the 1980s came to sing for us."
Haley
"I did not remember this girl from last year even though I guess she was third? And I will not remember her after this, because she will not do anything, because I will have her hidden in a shed for trying to show more leg than Lopez. YOU DO NOT OUT-LOPEZ THE LOPEZ ON LOPEZ IDOL."
Lana Del Zzzz
"And then this girl came to sing and she is so very talented and that song she sang was very good and I appreciated sitting there to listen to her sing that song and... ssh, lovers, confessions: We skipped this. Did you notice how there were no shots of the judges clapping, or listening? And how none of the contestants were there, suddenly? It is because they filmed this last week and none of us stayed because we don't care and also we hadn't decided what we were going to wear this week yet DO NOT MAKE ME DECIDE THESE THINGS EARLY and so blah blah blah zzzz. Also, lovers, I did not want my little Idols to learn how to be even MORE boring on-stage. This girl calls herself a singer? Where is her sparkle bra? Where is the catsuit? Si, if she wore it, i would have her arrested for copying, but I am OFFENDED, lovers, that she did not WANT me to cuff her. I know I said not to out-Lopez the Lopez, but you know what is worse? DISREGARDING THE LAWS OF THE LOPEZ."