BBQ Wives Club

This woman in the charming stripe in the middle is A Bigwig of Houston Society. Her outfit is cute and it's not her fault she has to say the line, "everything is bigger in Houston. EVEN THE DREAMS."

Additionally, Rene's Lilly Pulitzer (or equiv) is a delight to me. I wish this show was just people walking around in vintage sundresses and then making out. NO ONE makes out on this show. It seems like an oversight.

Hunting Wives Club

I just thought you might want to know that Deke and Marge are really into taxidermy.

Shirtless Wives Club

And Gordo is really making the full-court press to get back together with Trudy, which includes no clothes at all. I will say, I think Odette Annable continues to be weirdly mannered in this role, but the dude who plays Gordo -- Bret Harrison -- is really good, and has the Cocky Charmer thing down cold. He is SO MUCH BETTER in this than he was on Reaper, where I found him distracting because he literally never closed his mouth.

Curlers Wives Club

Does it make sense that Betty would be mowing the lawn herself with her curlers in? I can buy the lawn mowing (although I sort of think they'd just pay a neighbor boy), but does Betty really seem like a person who'd wear her curlers in public? I'm legit asking. Her accent changes from week to week -- it's gone now -- so WHO EVEN KNOWS.

Elle Decor Wives Club

Notes: the copper fireplace vent (or whatever it's called) in Jo's house is AMAZING. Jo is the dowdiest dresser, but maybe she's making up for it in home decor skills. Also: that shift on The Doyenne of Houston Society is AMAZING and I want it.

MORE WIVES CLUB

This is a scene at the country club (?????) wherein we meet the wives of the Gemini Nine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NINE MORE CHARACTERS THAT'S HILARIOUS. And it is also hilarious that Bobbed Haircut here spends five minutes in this scene rattling off what everyone's names are, including the women's we've already met. That HAD to be in response to a network note that said, "I'm so confused. We need someone to introduce everyone again." And then some poor writer was like, "oh, god, we have to do it when we are introducing OTHER people? WHY didn't we cut this cast down?"

Me, I'm just here for the retro bikinis. Somewhere, Taylor Swift is taking notes.

Bikini Wives Club

I seriously want to learn all about the Retro Bathing Suit and Sunglasses Sourcing that happened here.

Rene Wives Club

Rene's suit is so cute and you could totally wear it as a romper today, if you were a person who did that.

JUST DO IT Wives Club

JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY.

Plaid Wives Club

This particular Gemini Wife is totally nice and welcoming and friendly, and the Mercury wives are kind of unimpressed and won't be a part of her cookbook. Maybe THAT'S why you didn't get asked to be in the Junior League, Jo! THEY LOVE COOKBOOKS. Also: this dress is legitimately cute.

Feathers Wives Club

This one -- the only dress in what really ought to have been a montage, as the Wives prep for a fancy fundraiser to which they've been invited (and for which the Mercury Wives have gotten a dress allowance which they haven't, something no one appears to take up with anyone) -- is not.

NO Wives Club

Louise announces that this will be perfect for Marge. NO, this neckline is too matronly for Marge, Louise. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. (Although Louise's gamine little top there is great.)

Golden Globes Wives Club

Trudy, on the other hand, does look stellar in this dress, which seemed vaguely unperiod to me. Odette Annable could wear it to the Globes this year, though! Except she's pregnant and it won't fit, probably. DETAILS.

Hot Neighbor Wade Wives Club

"Where would America's best trained pilots be during the Cuban Missile Crisis, if they decided they might be needed and reported for work? TOTALLY in a completely dark break room because obviously wherever they're reporting for work is totally closed, right, and no one would have called anyone to find out what to do, right? RIGHT!"

Junior League Party Wives Club

But anything for an excuse for gowns, over at the Wives' Debut Into Houston Society (which everyone attends without her husband, until Harry Goldenblatt comes over to tell the husbands to go to the party, but they just stay in the dark and get drunk instead because if you're going to die from a nuclear attack you want it to happen with your bros next to a Coke machine and not with your wife at a party, I guess.) Anyway, Jo has never looked more Lavinia Swire than she does here.

Rene Wins Wives Club

Rene's beaded dress is AMAZING and SPECTACULAR and I love it and I wish we could see it better.

JUST DO IT II Wives Club

What the hell kind of show has two characters slowly building (maybe????) to something romantic, has them slow-dance in a barn during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and doesn't even have them kiss? THIS ONE.

You guys. Do I have to do everything for you? Louise has found condoms in Alan's bag. Max Caplan: Reporter is in love with her. They both think we might get bombed to hell by the Russians. OBVIOUSLY THEY KISS IN THE BARN. IT'S SO OBVIOUS. THEY KISS. And then Louise is horrified and runs out and is full of angst and confusion, and MC:R is sad because he knows he's complicated things for her and he's being unprofessional, but now he wants her more than ever and knows he probably cannot ever have more than just that one perfect kiss. THERE. EASY.

Country Club Wives Club

"Well, we still might be bombed but let's just go to the pool and have a Bloody Mary." In fairness, the show does have Rene note that we're still in a crisis of Cuban Missile Proportions, but my mom told me that basically throughout those first days, especially, everyone was glued to the TV or the radio. At the VERY LEAST, you could have a transistor radio between these two with the news on, and have Rene turn it down before the scene's dialogue begins. They're military wives. COME ON.

But I do like their bathing suits.

Bikini Wives Club Anew

And this shot is well composed.

Bikini Wives Club Two.

I'm glad we don't have to wear those bikini bottoms anymore, though. That is TRULY this week's emotional and historical take-away. LEARNING!!!

Fug the Show: Astronaut Wives Club recap, "Liftoff"

In which this show decides, "you know what? WE NEED MORE WIVES UP IN HERE!" You guys, you really really don't. That said, what this episode failed to do in continuity of character (spoiler: Betty is kind of a ditzy hick now? I don't know), it more than made up for in VINTAGE BATHING SUITS. I always feel bad for the costume department when they're doing a great job and the show is bad. They're never going to get the recognition that they actually deserve. I RECOGNIZE YOU, COSTUME DEPARTMENT! ANYWAY, let's run down what's happening with our Astrowives, with the caveat that no one goes into space this week (...even though the episode is called "Liftoff"). But the Cuban Missile Crisis does happen, even though mostly everyone doesn't seem that worried, except for Max Caplan: Reporter, because he's both a journalist and the only character who really gets a clear set of feelings assigned to him weekly. Marge and Deke: Marge is the drabbest looking Wife all week, and I guess it's because she and Deke are on a really soul-sucking diet to fix his heart problem? (THAT'S why he quit drinking last week. It was more fun when I decided he was a closet alcoholic.) ANYWAY, he doesn't get ungrounded, but then the rest of the astronauts do... something ... off-camera... that gets Deke elected, like, Head Astronaut? And everyone is happy? I don't know exactly, but what YOU should know is that basically everything The Astronauts Do happens when they appear to be sitting in an unlit break room at an unspecified Houston location. I'm pretty sure these dudes would have offices AND I'm also pretty sure that AT THE VERY LEAST, all the lights were on at NASA DURING THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS. Anyway, I don't care about Marge anymore now that I'm sure there will be no revelation that she was once a geisha. Annie and John: NADA. Trudy and Gordo: I realized my issue with Trudy's character is that they're trying to make her BOTH the Modern Girl Pilot With Moxie and someone who is sort of prim and uptight with Gordon, and those two emotional stories don't really mesh. At any rate, they're totally (still) on the road to getting back together, and now we all know that Trudy has a vibrator. (At the end of the episode, she finds that Gordo has taped a picture of his face to it, which legitimately made me laugh and totally would have made me decide to take him back.) Louise and Alan and Max Caplan: Reporter: MC:R and Louise are at FULL FLIRT -- he dances with her in a barn during the Cuban Missile Crisis, for pete's sake. (I would like, also, to note that the fact that NO ONE reacted to POSSIBLE NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION by banging is why this show is bad. YOU GUYS. You have a couple on the brink of getting back together. Instead of having Gordo get drunk with his boys and tell them about Trudy's vibrator, you OBVIOUSLY have the two of them realize we're all about to die, and accordingly GET IT ON. THAT IS SO CLEARLY CLEARLY CLEARLY how you handle that plot.) Nothing happens, but she's obviously sort of sweet on him also and blah blah blah this plot will never resolve to anyone's narrative satisfaction. Also, Louise had a sister who died and she and Alan are raising their niece, who also happens to find condoms in Alan's Just In Case I Need To Flee Houston bag. At least Alan is using protection, Louise. At least there's that. Betty and Gus: Betty is now a woman who mows her own lawn with curlers in her hair while a Space Tour Bus drives by, and at the end of the episode she induces Jo to chainsaw a hole in the fence between their yards so they can run back and forth without being detected. So maybe she's secretly got Space Madness??? Rene and Scott: Rene wears a series of good outfits and her wig is maybe slightly better this week? Hot Neighbor Wade has two lines. Jo and Wally: Jo is sort of the crux of this week's A story, which was nominally about the ladies being accepted into Houston Society; she's all into joining the Junior League, but in the end they don't ask her, for reasons that are never clear, in typical frustrating Astronauts Wives Clubs fashion. Do they not like her? Did she make a gaffe? Was it an accident? Was it because Betty was sort of ridiculous at every event? Was it because Jo was sort of scold-y of Betty at said events? WHO KNOWS. And then she's sad. THE END. Whatever. TO THE SWIMSUITS.