The Overalls Diaries
We begin with Carrie staring wistfully out the window as she packs up her clothes. This is definitely one of the most hideous outfits she's ever had to wear, and it does at least have a mild '80s flavor, although the overalls romper feels more like the regurgitated remains of the 90210 costume shop. Also please note the tutu poking out of her suitcase. They made a REALLY REALLY labored point of showing it a lot, so that we could all remember the Sex and the City opening credits, I guess.
The Larissa Diaries
And then, the event I was dreading: Larissa is back. I need to note here that Freema Agyeman is actually really good. She commits and digs in and finds the funny where she can; it's just that the character is written to be annoying, and in fact the actress sells it so well that I basically can't deal with it when Larissa is on-screen. A funny kind of compliment, but there you go. I DO like her luggage, though. She comes in and we're treated to a way, way overlong scene where she babbles about Japan and Zen and being one with the world and sleeping with her boss. Carrie eats this up -- well, the Zen parts -- like Larissa is a genius goddess of the Earth, and not a pretentious moron.
Larissa also shows them how to meditate, using her new mantra: "Sake walkie-talkie sock it to me," which she pronounces as if it is actual Japanese, which REALLY walks the line between a good gag about how Larissa is a poser, and being an obnoxious, inappropriate gag that amounts to, "Ha ha ha Japanese sounds like nonsense."
The Milkshake Diaries
Mouse is banging on at Maggie about applying to colleges, and Maggie is doing everything she can to avoid it because... I don't even know why. It comes off as self-indulgent pouty lazyness, but I think it's supposed to be fear of trying and failing, and the temptation to just accept her lot in life because that way she can blame the universe instead of herself. SOMETIMES it reads that way. Maybe Maggie was too distracted by the WOODEN MOUSE pinned to Mouse's blouse to feel her feelings correctly.
The Hair Diaries
Once more, with feeling.
The Dorrit Diaries
"Carrie isn't here, and your hair still looks like some kind of Biodome."
The Miyagi Diaries
Carrie is going to some Japanese cultural event with Larissa, so before we get there, we're treated to a bunch of flashes of Things That Are Japanese. Including Pat Morita, who was actually born in California but is of Japanese descent -- and seriously, read his Wikipedia page, because he is a FASCINATING person. He survived spinal TB, went straight from the hospital to an internment camp in Arizona, and took his name from a Catholic priest he met there. ... Wait, now I guess you don't need to read his Wikipedia page. Well, do it anyway. It's like pouring some out for our missing friend. ANYWAY, the "Look At These Things That Are Japanese" feels questionable and kind of pandering to me, but anything that brings us some Surprise Miyagi is at least welcome on those grounds.
The Gardenia Diaries
Carrie shows up looking like she's on her way to Coachella, and blisses out to a gardenia sitting in a water bowl, and decides this means she's totally Zen now. Yes, this whole episode hinges on a gardenia.
The Sam Jones Diaries
Naturally, Samantha shows up; Carrie hoped she and Larissa would love each other, because Carrie could not read a room if it were printed in extra-large octogenarian text. Larissa thinks Sam is tacky and unrefined; Sam correctly thinks Larissa is snooty and absurd, and the two of them verbally spar while Carrie tries to be one with the gardenia. It works: Sam is distracted by a ninja. Of course she is.
The Sigh Diaries
We also have to listen to Larissa blah-blahing about all this new Japanese fashion, and how amazing it would look on Carrie, because she is made of pretension. She is really unnaturally obsessed with Carrie. If she's that important at Interview, she has to be, what, in her late twenties? Get some friends your own age, Larissa. Although there is absolutely NO ONE ELSE AT ALL at this very important event, so maybe Larissa really just does irritate everyone else in her life the way she does me. (Sorry, Freema. I really DO think you seem delightful.)
The Maggie Diaries
Maggie, meanwhile, has on shaggy boots that must have given the cop some wordplay ideas, because her ex-shag-buddy drives by and invites her for a quickie. Maggie resists at first, but then he talks her down and puts her self-respect under arrest and throws it in jail for 24 hours to think long and hard about itself. So she gets into the car.
The Sims Diaries
Molly Sims plays an older lady who thinks she is a younger lady, and who is HIGHLY mistaken about the wisdom of wearing that particular yellow tennis skirt. She propositions Sebastian for a no-strings quickie, right there in the middle of the diner, like he's freaking Nate Archibald or something. We were supposed to think he might be Chuck Bass, but actually, he really IS Nate.
The Nightshirt Diaries
Carrie is annoyed at Dorrit for taking forever in their bathroom -- it's Dorrit's first day at their shared high school -- and then she realizes she's not being very Zen. I'm not sure I'd be very Zen, either, if my pajamas involved a cuffed, semi-fitted sailor blouse.
The Bowie Diaries
Dorrit is not amused, but she's even LESS interested in the Zen stuff. She has, however, wisely chosen to evangelize the work of Mr. David Bowie, even though I am pretty sure there was NO WAY that font had been invented yet in 1985.
The Bralet Diaries
Sam went home with the ninja, a hot young gymnast who really wants to see her again. But Sam just wanted a fling, so she tugs on her underwear and gives all the bralet-starved members of Fug Nation something to ogle for a second. Then she flees.
The J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets Diaries
Walt is wearing a sports jersey because he wants to look totally hetero, because I guess he hasn't run up against the stereotype of the angry closeted jock yet. It doesn't work, though, because he thinks "The Pats" actually refers to two players named Pat. I snickered. Mouse, meanwhile, is doing her best to be the inspiration for Brenda Walsh's later fashion crimes, and Carrie looks completely today, as usual.
The Makeout Diaries
Dorrit lures Carrie into a classroom where, as they had colluded, Sebastian is waiting. This turns into a makeout session where they're basically mounting each other on one of the desks -- it felt creepy to share -- and of course a teacher catches them, because they're MOUNTING EACH OTHER ON THE DESKS. Then again, Mouse and West managed to have sex in a classroom last year and not get caught. They should make a how-to movie. Call it Mouse By Mousewest.
The Belt Diaries
Samantha saunters into Interview looking for Carrie, having the audacity to look -- at least from the waist down -- like a proper '80s video vixen. However, I don't believe for a second that Samantha Jones didn't have ginormous feathered teased-up '80s hair. Come on.
The Shut Up Please Diaries
And here is where I got irritated: Larissa, essentially, slut-shames Samantha for having a one-night stand with the ninja, and tells Sam that she's afraid of commitment and having feelings. No, really. LARISSA. A character who was created on this show to basically BE the Samantha Jones part before they decided to bring ON Samantha Jones. A character who has ALWAYS up to this point been consistent in her message that women should own their sexuality, and be unafraid to do with it what they choose. THIS person is shaming Samantha for not wanting to stick around and cuddle with the ninja? And worse, SAMANTHA LETS HER. Which, no. I don't even think THIS Samantha Jones, as we know her right this second in this show, would believably allow that. It's terrible. It makes no sense at all.
The Donna Diaries
Donna, however, is awesome. She is really into matching right now, also, which feels true, but she has completely toned down her hair and makeup and I hate that because NO. Donna La Donna would still be oozing with the best and the most day-glo that the '80s has to offer. She DOES snuggle up to Walt in front of the jocks, so people think he's oozing straight maleness, until she remembers she's supposed to be dating one of the jocks. Who then comes over and punches Walt, not for being gay, but for being on his woman. Poor Walt. It will not surprise you to learn that Walt handles this the way he handles everything: with total maturity.
The Detention Diaries
Carrie freaks out about getting in trouble, and how she makes a crappy gardenia. No, really, she talks about the gardenia to Sebastian, who just listens patiently to her ranting about how the two of them are bad news together and she can't be a gardenia around him, all the while privately wondering why she never wears shoes that are from their decade and where she parked her time machine.
The Ninja Diaries
Sam goes to find her ninja and gives this speech about how she rushed out too soon but she was just nervous, and she'd like to spend time together, and LARISSA NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLD HER TO DO THAT AND SAMANTHA NEVER WOULD HAVE LISTENED THIS IS IS THE WORST. Fortunately, it is not the same ninja behind the mask, and he in fact doesn't understand English; Lindsey Gort does a great transformation into the Samantha we know and love, and is all, "Well, in that case, this conversation couldn't have gone better," because of course she didn't mean any of what she'd said. Sigh. I am curious for her to meet both Dorrit and Dadshaw.
The Bum Diaries
Oh, speaking of Dadshaw, with Deb's advice he accepted a job back at his old firm, being a legal shark in the city. But he left his briefcase in Scott Cohen's office and when he went to get it, Scott Cohen and Larissa were ALSO doing some desk-mounting (remember, they were seeing each other last season). It's a popular staging choice on this show, I guess.
The Shiner Diaries
Mouse tells Maggie that she can't want a future for Maggie MORE than Maggie does, and that all Maggie does anymore is think about herself -- case in point, she isn't pausing to consider how scary it must be for Walt, being back at school and now knowing his own sexuality. So Maggie goes and makes up with Walt, because Mouse is correct, and everyone loves Walt and only ever wants Walt to be happy. BE HAPPY. I am going to punch Bennett in the face when he sleeps with Walt and then gets caught sleeping with someone else.
The AGAIN Diaries
Do they just park Austin Butler on this front stoop and whip different shirts on and off of him?
The Luau Diaries
Before Carrie can tell Sebastian that she's sorry for freaking out, he tells her that he hates that he makes it hard for her to be a gardenia in a box. Have they been watching Country Strong? Because I have a bird in a box I would like to loan them. At any rate, Sebastian basically tells Carrie he's not going to fight for her anymore so that she can gardenia it up without him turning her into a... I don't know. What's a stressed-out flower? A Venus flytrap? Right. Carrie sad that he broke up with her while she was wearing such a heavy, youthless wrap shirt although at least this means she'll associate it with hurt and gardenias and hay fever and therefore won't wear it again.
The Mrs Robinson Diaries
And of course Sebastian runs off into bed with a robotic-seeming Molly Sims.
The Disappointment Diaries
And Carrie shows up at Interview in a very loud outfit to find a gardenia on her desk. She thinks it's from Sebastian... but the note is from Larissa. Carrie looks glumly at the flower and sighs that she can't believe she now has to wait an entire WEEK to get a new love interest, like, being a teenager is the WORST.