The Styling Diaries
We saw two of these outfits in set photos, and I was very curious to see what the scenes would be. In fact, they were for a montage. An episode-opening montage about boundaries. That is a LOT of heavy styling work for twenty seconds of screen time. I feel like maybe the wardrobe people could have responded to this with their own note about boundaries.
The Swoop Diaries
When Sebastian learns his father is away, and he can thus blow off school and play video games and smoke pot and have sex with Molly Sims all he wants, his eyebrows and his hair both raise simultaneously.
The Super Mario Bros. Diaries
You know Sebastian is stoned because he dies on World 1, Level 3. NOBODY who owned a Nintendo in 1985 and routinely blew off school to play it would ever die on that level. My Dad passed that level, and he touched my Nintendo exactly twice. Also worth noting: This game came out in the fall of 1985, so in the world of this show, it's brand new. I am so glad we were spared Sebastian saying things like, "Man, gaming is never going to get realer than this."
The What Is Your Job Diaries
Carrie apparently gets to pitch Larissa some story ideas to go into the magazine, despite the fact that at the beginning of season one, she was a stylist, and now she's making content decisions and farming out stories to an intern that she would actually be giving to an investigative reporter. Like trying to get the playwright of a hot new drama to give an interview, even though he never does. You do not put your high school employee on that, even if it IS her idea, and you DEFINITELY do not entrust her with important things when she clearly cannot be trusted with her own HAIR. Flock of Seagulls? CROCK of seagulls. But the visions of pineapples dancing on Carrie's skirt must have hypnotized Larissa into dreaming of tropical cocktails, because she says yes, and utters not one single word about why Carrie's blouse has its own matching curtain.
The Extra Diaries
We need to give a shout-out to this magnificent extra, though. Half their high school should look like this.
The Fugly Diaries
We ALSO wrote about this outfit already, calling it The Day-Glo Teenage Prostitute Chronicles, and indeed, it's what you wear when you want to be taken very seriously on your first day undercover in a hooker ring.
The Bennett Diaries
Bennett's face is my own right now. Whenever you imagine us fugging things -- which I know you guys do with ALL your copious free time, because it's so interesting to picture two ladies typing -- I want you to know that my face is almost always making that expression.
The Brooch Diaries
I guess Mouse's THING now is to wear a mouse on her shirt all the time, which is not something she would ever do. Mouse studies whenever her eyes are open. She does not have, nor take, the time to locate a menagerie of self-referential boob-mice.
Also, Walt's story: A guy at Interview asks him on a date, and Mouse talks him into saying yes because Bennett keeps insisting they're an open relationship. Predictably, Bennett loses his shit when he sees Walt with another boy, though, and so now they're exclusive and I love Walt and he handled Bennett's jealous snit perfectly -- some eye rolls, some notes about the hypocrisy, complete charm -- and he should have every nice thing ever.
The Pretension Diaries
The play -- I think it's just a reading, given that two of the actors are holding scripts? -- is about Adam Weaver's brother's death, and the funeral sequence is hilarious. They're on a bad prop boat, and the mother is weeping through dumping three cartons of ashes on the stage, followed by all his other favorite things, like a hamburger and then a rolled-up Farrah Fawcett poster. When I go, I demand that this be done. You will throw a case of Diet Coke, some shoes, a Notre Dame jersey so that I can scream at them in proper garb from The Great Beyond, my DVR, some books... listen, I'll just make a list. Naturally, everyone in the audience is watching this like it's the finest form of art, and Carrie is cracking up, because it's absurd.
The Weaver Diaries
Fortunately, Weaver -- like West Thomas West, he only goes by his last name -- intended for it to be funny, because he, like Carrie, cracked up at his brother's funeral. He also hated his brother and doesn't miss him, because he was the runt of the litter or something but now everyone has to stand up and pay attention to him, but LO, the way he got them to do it was by writing about the dead brother who denied him attention in the first place. That all doesn't come out until later, though. Right now, he hits on Carrie and they end up adjourning to a bar, where she is served, despite looking like a runaway teen with a colorblind pimp lurking around the corner.
The Salem Diaries
I love Carrie's old boss, but man, they give her the worst outfits. Before she goes home to be burnt at the stake for witchcraft, she tells Dadshaw -- high on landing Credit Suisse by promising personal attention -- that he will regret giving out his phone number to those people, because they USE IT. Is it wrong that I want these two to have a torrid affair? Probably. And yet. Dadshaw's desk needs to be christened.
The Robinson Diaries
Ugh. So, Sebastian is still sleeping with Molly Sims, who is picking up the bralet mantle from Samantha. He yaps about Carrie and how he loves her but he keeps hurting her, and Molly Sims tolerates this pillow talk like no cougar worth her libido would. Nobody, not even a bored married lady with sadface, would want to sit there while her young lover talks about the girl he REALLY likes and respects. At least Nate Archibald just shut up and drove.
The Danger Diaries
This made me so antsy. It can't be advisable to get bubble water all over your cordless phone. I'm sure it can't electrocute her, but it might at least ruin her day. Anyway, Carrie calls Larissa to tell her she hooked up with Weaver and she's worried about objectivity or something, and he wouldn't go on the record. Larissa tells her to keep trying, and also to get naked and get information that way. She is a true shining star in the magazine world.
The Awkward Diaries
Maggie, who has noticed Sebastian's absence, shows up unannounced at his house. She is SUPER unimpressed to see Molly Sims there, who, in turn, tells Sebastian that Maggie's body language suggests a massive crush on him. That does seem to be where they're going with it, and I HATE that, because Maggie just started to get some self-respect and now she's going to blow it all on the guy that lost her a best friend. Not that Carrie is ever at school for it to matter. I guess if Carrie is dead to her, she figures she might as well taste the rainbow.
The Brady Bunch Diaries
Deb brings her awful son Dylan to dinner, and he plays video games all the time -- I had one of those; it was Frogger and I loved it and I kind of miss it -- and refuses to eat anything but tater tots that she brought from home, which he shovels into his mouth by the dozen. One of the beans will only eat about three things. If he's still like that when he is Awful Dylan's age, he is just gong to go hungry. I am not bringing Tupperware vats of Monsters University mac and cheese everywhere we go.
The Bully Diaries
Carrie finds a condom wrapper in her room belonging to Dorrit, who had sex in Carrie's room without telling Carrie. Which is AWFUL -- she's like, "We laid down a towel," as if that makes it okay. More vexingly, Dorrit appears to have stopped washing, brushing, or otherwise acknowledging her hair. What are they DOING to Stefania Owen? Is Dorrit becoming Pig Pen?
The Dylan Diaries
Awful Dylan threatens to tell Dadshaw about Condomgate unless the girls show him their "juggs," which he thinks has two Gs in it, which is clearly because he has been shoplifting Juggs. So the girls threaten to give him a fatal wedgie, and this spirals into a battle wherein he tells Deb they bullied him, they pretend they were just trying to bond by telling him freaky stories, and then Dylan picks up the phone while Dadshaw is on with Credit Suisse and shouts, "I FOUND A RUBBBBBERRRRRR." Deb suddenly becomes an idiot and thinks Carrie and Dorrit are awful and that Dylan's behavior is justified because he's eleven. WRONG, Deb. Thanks for playing. Dadshaw correctly deduces that she's delusional and they break up.
The Oops Diaries
However, in apologizing to Credit Suisse, he neglects to explain the situation and just plays it off like Dylan is his own son. Which is ridiculous. Why would you want them to think you have an awful son? Just tell them he's your girlfriend's son. But Dadshaw doesn't, and so suddenly he's agreed to take Awful Dylan to a baseball game with Credit Suisse and HIS awful son. Oh, Dadshaw. Just call him back and tell him that you fed your awful son through a paper shredder, or bring Dorrit and tell him that SUN is her first name.
The Integrity Diaries
Because Weaver trusted Carrie with a lot of deep thoughts, she decides she can't write the piece. And Larissa immediately loses interest in giving her a writing opportunity and exiles her back to cappuccino-fetching hell, which may sound unfair, but actually it's a boss move. Because it's COMPLETELY ABSURD that Carrie started dating this guy instead of doing the story she was assigned, although it is also completely absurd that she was assigned the profile of the year despite never having written one before. You would give that to an experienced reporter who can use microfiche and other sexy '80s technology to dig into this guy's life, find his neighbors, interview people at the actual funeral, and then force him to go on the record or at least give a usable no-comment. You don't just send in the teenager. Larissa should not be in charge of anything... except Carrie should also learn, so in a way, good for Larissa. Someday Carrie will also learn that a shirt should either be a tee or a tank top, but never both.
The Silly Diaries
But, you know, Carrie is getting some good tongue now from Weaver, so she doesn't care that she blew her big chance. She has also apparently started her fancy writing program, despite the fact that we've never seen that. When is she in school, exactly? And when is she going to tell Weaver that the school she is in still involves lockers and Proms? And will Weaver ever tell Carrie how bad her outfit looks from behind, because the skirt has slid around too far to the left? I HAVE QUESTIONS.