La Bradshaw
Our girl is in more patterned tights, more bright colors, more patterns, more pumps. Eric Daman is really very good at his job, because my memory of the 80s is JUUUUST fuzzy enough that this seems plausible without seeming INSANE to present-day teens.
That Guy
Carrie is pretending to work at the law firm -- apparently her old boss is actually covering for her now, which seems like an insane write-around for this situation but whatever -- and then skipping off to Interview, where I guess they don't MIND that she's only there once a week for very specific hours. And where they have old Macintosh computers with orange decals. There's another lazy, groan-inducing moment where this guy -- remember him, the one who kissed Walt -- complains about his machine and says something like, "When will people admit these are just a PASSING FAD," har har. For one, I remember the advent of computers, and it was pretty clear they were not a passing fad AND that they were way easier than typewriters. So nobody would've said that. And for another, that feels like the 80s show equivalent of a stand-up comic saying, "Women. AM I RIGHT."
Carrie
But the whole time Carrie is being asked to approve layouts (!!) and whatnot, she is dreaming of Sebastian, and all the times her wig and his cresting hair wave collided, in split-screen dreamy ecstasy
Sebastian and Mouse
Mouse is in some spunky argyle today, which gives her the mojo to harass Sebastian about Donna. He's going to break up with her. Mouse is delighted and immediately spins off into a romantic fantasy about him and Carrie, in which she coyly tells him that Carrie is single now and essentially orders him to go dump Donna right away. Sebastian complies, because he's weirdly okay with people's overeager friends telling him what to do with his mouth.
Donna
This is Donna LaDonna's face when she's being dumped for allegedly the first time in history. Her hair is not NEARLY big enough, nor teased enough, nor crimped enough. She's an '80s high school teen queen, supposedly, and that means she would've peacocked with hair that stood a MILE high. Also, please note that they're in the diner, and are ALWAYS in the diner, even after that whole subplot where Maggie won it for Carrie. And nobody seems to mind. The line producer was probably like, "I wish you'd consulted me before you wrote that. It's DINER OR BUST, people."
Sebastian
And this is what Sebastian looks like when he's trying to dump someone politely. It's also what he looks like when he's walking, talking, eating, sleeping, breathing, looking in the mirror, watching Dynasty, and discussing whether cell phones will EVER get any cooler than this.
Manolos
These are Carrie's first Blahniks. They are, to my eye, totally hideous. But she is in love with them, as you would be when you're 16 and you're used to wearing tawny slingbacks.
Carrie
But in fact, our girl is wearing them as a shoe model. And of course she's brilliant and perfect at it (and her feet are the only ones small enough to do it, supposedly), and Larissa can't stop talking about what a rock star Carrie is, which is the surest way to make sure everyone in the office wants to slap her. Well, I meant Carrie, but actually... both of them.
Carrie
There is a school lock-in the same night as a fancy Manhattan Interview party. "If you're one of us, you'll be there," Larissa says carelessly. So after much angsting to her friends, Carrie decides to lie to Dadshaw and hit up the city, a decision she makes while wearing a pair of plastic sunglasses on a chain that look like she stole them from one of those dancing flower novelty gifts.
Sebastian
For the third time this season, AT LEAST, we see Sebastian enter the school in slow-motion. They have got to cool it with that. Unless it's revealed that he HIMSELF has a tic where he can't enter a room at full speed. That would be magical.
Donna LaDonna
Mouse has just been telling Carrie that Sebastian is still warm for her form...or, um, doing a jig for her wig... but Sebastian has to blow them off, because he has agreed that he'll pretend he is still dating Donna until after the lock-in, for reasons that are pure contrivance. So Carrie thinks he isn't into her, and blah blah blah Donna looks like a Whitesnake video.
Carrie and Maggie
Maggie is stressing about having to tell Walt about her hookup, which somehow she has decided to do AT THE LOCK-IN, because upsetting a guy when you're stuck inside your school with all your classmates is SUCH a brilliant idea. Even Clown Liza Minnelli on Carrie's sweater is hanging her head over this.
Walt and Donna
Walt, meanwhile, has the clout to get some movies for the lock-in, and he charms Donna by getting Rocky III -- her favorite. So Donna sets her cap for him -- or more accurately, sets her snap-crotch lace bodysuit for him.
Sebastian
Mouse convinces Sebastian that Carrie needs a grand romantic gesture RIGHT NOW because otherwise maybe she'll fall in love in Manhattan that night, but she's already in Manhattan, so he decides he and Mouse are going to drive up there and WOO. Mouse is REALLY invested in this. Her admiration of rom-coms is very Mindy Project. I guess she has sworn off her own lovelife in exchange for grades (not very progressive, either, to imply that she can't do well in both simultaneously). Maggie would love to help but she's too busy getting ready to lock herself in a giant confessional with her boyfriend.
Da Club
Where did Carrie get a tight one-armed sequined gown? I'm serious. Why would we think she owned that already?
Cosmopolitan
Then a guy sees Carrie from across the room and hands her this: her first cosmo. If Sebastian was worried about her wandering heart, he was right to be, because she is about to put her lips all over her one true love.
Carrie
It's not her O face, it's her cosmO face.
Donna
Donna is lying in wait for Walt in the media room, and sidles up to him and tells him about Maggie. Why has Walt turned dumb? I mean, obviously this story is true, but this is DONNA. She is a walking ulterior motive.
Sebastian
After getting stuck in traffic on the way to Manhattan, Sebastian arrives at Da Club and miraculously pulls into a wide-open parking spot. I like to think the writers researched the nuances of parking in the city in 1984 and concluded that this spot was open 74 percent of the time.
Dadshaw
Dadshaw, by the way, is being a wingman for his horndog BFF/George's father/Carrie's former quasi-boss, Gilmore Girls' Max Medina. And of course he hits it off with the wingwoman and they decide to party the night away.
Carrie
So while Carrie is parting on-stage in front of the video wall next to somebody who is wearing a petticoat as a bracelet...
Carrie
... she turns around and sees Dadshaw ineptly grinding up on his brunette...
Carrie
... and then instead of RUNNING LIKE HELL off the stage, she just stands there dumbly, busted, until they put her face on every screen and Dadshaw has no choice but to look up and see her there. I'm not sure what freaked Carrie out more: realizing she was about to get caught, or the sight of her father trying to get jiggy with it. Then again, if she had just FLED, she might have been fine. Remember what I said in the intro? Yeah. FLEE, CARRIE. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.
Larissa and Carrie
Of course this leads to a loud, cross-purposes conversation where Larissa stands up for Carrie's right to be an adult, and Dadshaw ultimately spits out that Carrie is 16. I briefly love Larissa for thinking that it's totally rad that Carrie is 16 because it means she has the coolest, hippest, YOUNGEST intern in the world. But Dadshaw is like, "YOUR WHAT?!?" and they storm out of there and have a whole emotional conversation about how he misses Responsible Carrie (he has said this like three times already this season), and Carrie suddenly loses all ability to say anything other than, "I don't know," because, unlike the other scenes, she is apparently not about to promise that she'll behave better next time and she also apparently has no interest in explaining her very understandable emotional conflict.
Maggie and Walt
So, Walt is upset. Maggie is upset that he's upset. It goes out not with a bang, but a whimper.
Mouse and Sebastian
These two miss all the action. And yes, Mouse is wearing a necktie. Maybe that's how they got in -- perhaps the necktie was considered sufficient proof of aged-up yuppiehood in 1984.
Maggie
And then we cut back to Maggie for a weird, quick, and totally mild breakdown where she decides she has to get out of here. This actress has been good in other scenes, but this one rang really, really false. I blame the boots.
Sebastian
And then we cut BACK to NYC to watch Sebastian getting his car towed. So I guess it WASN'T a miracle of parking after all.
Donna and Walt
Donna sidles up to Walt to console him, and admits Sebastian dumped her and that she has no idea how to process having hurt feelings about that. Despite years of finding her to be frightening and sub-human, it takes Walt a mere 20 seconds of pity to decide that the best way for them each to cope with their pain is to lick each other's molars.
Slurp
And so. Although, actually, I like this twist and I hope they do something fun with it.
Carrie and Mouse
Meanwhile, Carrie retires her Manolos for another day, and then goes downstairs and tells Dadshaw that she knows she can't change her punishment, but that she accepted the job not to be a jerk or to deceive, but because she thinks she wants to be a writer. His response: "You're SIXTEEN. You don't know what you want." Except that when he thought last week that she wanted to be a lawyer, he was completely all in with that. Your contradictions are showing, Dadshaw. Anyway, Carrie rightly tells him that banning her from the city and from Interview doesn't mean she'll stop wanting what she wants, and that he should just be aware of that. It's better than the car scene, but also, I still feel like she's not doing the best job explaining herself here. Also, who puts on tights for a day shlubbing around the house and having real talk with your dad?
Mags
And then Maggie shows up to cry about Donna telling Walt, and ... again, maybe the actress had a stomach bug or something. She was super affecting in the episode where you realized she wanted a future her family couldn't afford (or wouldn't), but here, she's doing that thing where she just scrunches up her face and shakes a little and hopes it looks like sobbing. If you can't fake cry, then come up with another way. Moist-eyed gazing often works.
Donna and the Jens
Why is Jen Blond offering Donna a can of Aquanet? Donna has NO cranial architecture that needs stiffening. Anyway, these three stop dead when they run into Walt -- I guess this is the lock-in ending? How late did that sucker GO? Carrie has already had an emotional catharsis today. But: Donna basically makes Walt her new boyfriend, and because Walt needs a beard (Carrie's VO says as much), he agrees. Poor Donna is going to learn that his interest in her LaDonna is scientific at best.
Sebastian
And here is Sebastian, entering the diner at relatively normal speed, wearing his one facial expression.
These two crazy kids
And he sits down and the two of them presumably resume their flirty banter as the camera pulls away. Sebastian, by the way, dumped Donna because he's not into the drama. And also I guess because he got jealous of Carrie's new boyfriend. But it ever made sense that they dated in the first place: Donna is ALL drama. And yet, Mouse just dragged him into a major Manhattan drama, and he's still here. So which is it, Sebastian? Do you like drama? Dislike drama? Miss the smell of a wig in the morning?