Planet Unicorn
Carrie has a dream that she's still at Interview, and even in her dream -- which involves the presence of a unicorn that is probably symbolic in a hundred different ways, if only Samantha Jones were here to tell her that -- she is wearing boring business casual yada-yada. Carrie needs to learn to dream in technicolor poof.
I'll Always Love You, New York
In real life, she's picking up Manhattan souvenirs and mourning the fact that she's not allowed to go there, while wearing cute striped shirts that aren't NEARLY loud enough for her era. Which, per Mouse, is now 1985. Let's see, back in early 1985, Marty McFly's parents still lived in a house that got no natural light, and I was in second grade and had just ordered some My Little Pony baby ponies from a catalog. ... Oops, I mean, I wasn't even a glint in the milkman's eye.
Kyddshaw
So, these two showed up at school together, and guess how they walked in the building? IN SLOW MOTION. Does Austin Butler just have some weird problem entering rooms, to the point where they have to slow him down to cover it? It's SO BIZARRE, like every episode is using this trick as if the previous one hadn't thought of it yet. Anyhoo, Sebastian is being super thoughtful and awesome and respectful of everything from Carrie's dad, to Carrie's level of coldness (he offers her his coat), to not saying anything about why her cfun stripey sweater turns into a weird peplum-y piece of nonsense. The two of them even find out they have a portmanteau: Kyddshaw. Really? Did people do that back in the eighties? I feel like not, or else I wouldn't have had "Mrs. George Michael" written in my notebook; it would have been "Horge" or "Geather."
West
This guy's name is Thomas West, or West Thomas. I SWEAR his file said "West, Thomas," but he calls himself West to everybody, as if that's his name. It's weird. It's not like FBI Agent Dana Scully walked up to people in a bar and said, "Hi, I'm Scully," unless she was there to investigate their sorry asses. Anyway, West needs to get into his locker, see. But Mouse is too busy wrestling with this magical invention called a Rubik's Cube, which she solved once and is trying to do again. You can guess what happens.
Mouse et al
Mouse is blown away when he solves it, quick as the wind, and then feels threatened by his brilliance because if he can do a Rubik's Cube it means he might imperil her academic dominance. Which she's still paranoid she let slip while she was having sex with Seth, because her storyline is that you can't be smart AND succeed in a relationship. That's SO not Sheryl Sandberg of you, Mouse.
Donna Hummer
So, Donna and Walt are getting off... on back rubs and Terminator viewings. But she eventually gets impatient about this and decides they should have sex; he tells her he'd rather they get to know each other and have sex when they really mean it, because Maggie broke his heart. As if they didn't ALSO wait. WALT. We know you. It took ages. We also know the reason he's putting off Donna is because he was hoping she could beard him for a while. The fact that everyone on earth knows that Donna is a horndog suggests that Walt did not think through this masterplan.
Dadshaw
Meanwhile, an aerobics instructor hits on Dadshaw at the gym, then invites him up to her office to get her class schedule, and it turns out "her class schedule" is a euphemism for "a blow job." Dadshaw seems startled by this -- not least because he has just been playing racketball and is a sweaty nasty mess -- but not so startled that he can't go along with it.
Carrie
Meanwhile, Carrie is sobbing to Mouse that Sebastian is TOO TOO WONDERFUL and she is feeling things deeply and thus she is afraid of getting hurt. Carrie is also afraid she can't TELL Sebastian all this because she gets the feeling he's not into drama. What led you to think that, Carrie? Was it when he said, openly and clearly, that he's not into drama? Her solution is to create YET MORE DRAMA by pushing him to a distance and/or maybe breaking up with him. Mouse thinks this is really dumb, but for a girl who spent all of the last episode shoving these two together, she is not emphatic enough about it. Like, Mouse really should've clocked her on the head with something.
Mouse
But Mouse is too busy obsessing over West Thomas West's academic prowess -- so much so that she puts on her most trustworthy (read: ugly) cardigan and offers to alphabetize some files for the adminitrators. They know Mouse is a crackpot, so they let her, and this means she can openly read West Thomas West's file in front of them and make gasping noises without anyone actually looking over and saying, "Hey, alphabetizing does not mean OPENING." And what does she find? That he's brilliant. And top in the class. In short, Mouse's sex-cheese lured her into an academic trap and now she's screwed somehow. As if being No. 2 in your giant school is a heinous offense.
Carrie
Carrie acts all weird around Sebastian -- he's trying to be considerate and plan out their day because she likes that; she's all, "NAH, let's play it LOOSE" -- and then stands around awkwardly gulping a soda while Mouse blathers on about brilliant West Thomas West. We need to discuss this soda. It's called, from what I can tell, SIPEE. Which is now my favorite fake name since the really unimaginative yet thusly brilliant SHASA (if the SHASTA people didn't see themselves in there, then they weren't looking).
Donna and Walt, SIPEEing in a tree
The girls agree that it's crazy to see Donna and Walt making out, although HEY, at least Maggie has been ditching school and can't see it (read: it was her turn to sit out an episode and we feel like we have to address that). Donna is wearing hot pink Lego-heart earrings and the best 80s-appropriate jeans ever. She and Walt have been enjoying going shopping together and kissing a little bit while they discuss discount cashmere. Carrie and Mouse wave awkwardly at them, because they can't really be full Team Maggie on this one on account of how Maggie is the one who cheated. But they are definitely not Team Wonna. Or Team Dalt. Or Team Wadonna.
Brydd
Carrie looks completely great in a very Twenty-Teens kind of way. Dadshaw is off to the city to get another blow job, leaving Carrie to take Dorrit to the library for a school project (they pick a date that's important to them and do a report on it). Sebastian drops by, part of the "play it loose" plan, and blah blah blah, Dorrit slips out while they're making out. Sebastian pieces together from her Sex Pistols coat and photocopied news clippings -- basically, from having eyes, and looking for her in places that are not under the bed -- that Dorrit has chosen the day Sid stabbed Nancy, and that she's gone to the Hotel Chelsea, where Sid and Nancy played out their grisly pas de deux. But rather than accept his help, Carrie insists that it's all his fault for coming over, goes on some insane rants, and leaves him in her kitchen like a complete melodramatic lunatic. Excellent plan to deal with a boy you're afraid is allergic to your drama.
Doucheball
Max Medina is telling Dadshaw that the 80s are a new, free time, and that girls are giving it up more easily now, so Dadshaw shouldn't feel weird about it and just go with the blow. So basically, on the one hand, we're getting "you can't excel at school and boyfriends at the same time," and on the other, we're getting, "CHECK OUT HOW SLUTTY AND EASY WOMEN ARE NOW." To illustrate this, Max gestures to his new girlfriend, who is a tiger in the sack...
Yo
...and of course it's Larissa. Two things to discuss: 1) Why is everyone playing racquetball on a squash court? I know you can't play squash on a racquetball court -- you need the red lines -- but perhaps it can work the other way around, even though I think technically the dimensions are different. But why the heck can't they find an actual racquetball court? I can't find a squash court ANYWHERE and I would love to.
And 2) Larissa is tough here. On the one hand the show wants to present her the voice of feminism, and on the other hand, at her expense the show cracks jokes about ladies being big ol' hobags now. Yes, we're about to get some real talk about independent women from Larissa, and yes, we're SUPPOSED to think Max is a pig. But these two things are very, very thin attempts at covering what is some super clumsy and actually tacky banter about how easy women have become. Especially because the moral of Dadshaw's story ends up being that he gets another blow job and he should just sit back and enjoy the freebie -- which, as it's willingly given, may be true. But it comes across less like it's because they're saying this aerobics instructor is a liberated, strong woman, and more like they're laughing that The Modern 80s Woman wants nothing more than to mouthify a bunch of free wangs.
Oh MOUSE
Mouse is actually in a wang-measuring contest with West Thomas West. She's so threatened by him that she challenges him to a cube-off. Also, this is a terrible bake sale. There's like three things to choose from. Come on, bakers of Castlebury. Pony up.
Dorbastian
Carrie tracks Dorrit to the Hotel Chelsea and finds her by walking up the stairs screaming her name -- easy peasy! -- and of course it turns out Sebastian, who said driving would be faster, drove in to find her even despite Carrie's tantrum. He does not come down the stairs in slow-motion. He leave Carrie and Dorrit to have their scheduled heart to heart, this time about -- wait, it doesn't matter, she'll still be a jerkwad again next week. She does wax rhapsodic about how romantic the stabbing was, which... maybe Dorrit didn't make it to HBO because she is a sociopath.
Real Talk
So, Larissa has a nice conversation with Dadshaw -- it starts out being about women being different now, more confident, going after what they want. Which is fine; I just wish the show had been more graceful in tying that to sexual liberation. And then she schools him on how he should want Carrie to find her own path, and grow up to be who she wants to be, even if she falls on her face. Dadshaw can't handle the idea of her being hurt, or going broke, so he has been unwilling to listen to her ambitions. But Larissa says being a good father is letting her find herself and being there for her along the way, rather than trying to control what she becomes. And she's right, and Dadshaw knows it, and also, her way means he gets more head. So.
Mousecapades
Mouse has a funny "Eye of the Tiger" training sequence, which ends in her righteously defeating West Thomas West and then taunting him about it. But ah, WTW has a trump card: He's an African-American genius athlete from a single-parent family, and he dangles that in front of her while taunting that he's better Ivy League bait than a sports-free Asian math whiz from a two-parent household (these are all their words, not mine). So she can have the cube, because apparently he's going to win at college, because there is no room at Harvard or Princeton or Yale for TWO smart people.
Dolt
Intercut with Mouse's stretching, we see Donna getting primed to seduce Walt. When he throws her over for the TV, she says, "What, do you even LIKE girls?" and his face falls. They end up having a heart to heart wherein he says he isn't interested in sex with girls, but doesn't think he's gay... or at least, doesn't know what's up. Donna promises his secret is safe with her because her brother is gay and in the closet, and they vow to stay friends because they had fun, and she squeezes his hands. I hope they do become friends. I LOVE Walt as Donna's gay.
Jakebastian Rykidd
Seriously, this show really wants him to be Jake Ryan 2.0.
Sebrie Kydaw
Carrie apologizes to Sebastian and admits she's just scared. But so is he! So let's all just make out and be in love and see what happens, okay? You might give him your heart, he might give you a pen. Or he might give you a birthday party while you sit cross-legged on a dining room table and French over a cake. Just go with it, y'all. It's the theme of the episode, after all. Blow jobs for all.
Carrie
And so Dadshaw, in his afterglow, tells Carrie she can return to Interview. Carrie does not say, "Shit, then I'm going to need some less dopey sweaters."
Larissa and Carrie
Then again, Larissa wears sleeveless blazers over blouses, so she's totally not going to care. And thus, at episode nine, we have arrived at: Carrie working at Interview non-covertly, Carrie being in love with The Guy, Dorrit still acting like a jerkwad and then having a meaningful heart to heart with Carrie afterward that lasts until the next episode, and Dadshaw having his first post-widowing orgasm.