Carrie Bradshaw
Carrie wakes up dreaming of flying away like a little bird on the wings of Sebastian's hair, and then remembers, dammit, she accidentally dumped his ass and he accidentally let her.
Carrie
So she shows up to school and walks past him, and turns around to stare at the back of his head, at which time we get the last Sebastian Kydd Slow-Motion Movement of the season. Also, Carrie looks perfectly cute, while several of the extras get WONDERFULLY awful 80s-wear. Like that skirt on the left. Tell me that wasn't a hospital gown this time last week (or, you know, the week prior to when they shot it).
Mags, Mouse, Carrie
Carrie is bumming out about not going to Prom now that she and Sebastian have broken up, so the three girls agree to go together as a "trouple." I might want Maggie's shirt. Also, this show is religious about making sure there is always some fruit on the diner table. Sometimes it is only fruit, and you know the imaginary waitress walks by a table of three people with three waters and a small bowl of fruit, gabbing the day away, and just HATES the HELL out of them.
Mouse
Mouse apparently is now dating West Thomas West, whom she ALSO calls West, which is kind of weird -- Mouse is not a last-name nickname kind of person, to me. Anyway, suddenly they're a couple but she won't go to Prom with him because her parents only want her dating Asian people because she's descended from one of the big dynasties, etc. This makes no sense at all because they let her go visit Seth at college and he'd been to her house. Maybe she... told them he was Asian? Or that he was descended from someone on Dynasty, and it was close enough?
Let us discuss now Mouse's headband: What is the purpose? It's not actually holding any of her hair out of her face. It's just plonked on there. I object. Mouse would NEVER go for aesthetics over function. She is ALL function.
Mags
Mags is momentarily horrified when Officer Statutory Rape comes in with a girl and introduces Maggie as the boss's daughter, and the girl as his fiance. Maggie clearly wants to punch the world in the neck.
Dadshaw and Deb
Apologies to the world for my failure to mention that Deb here was also Nina Katz on Sex and the City, about whom the line was uttered, "Everybody knows Nina Katz." Oops. Anyway, these two are enjoying energetic sex and lots of loud orgasms, and she is wondering when they might go public. But Dadshaw is afraid his girls aren't ready -- or rather, he's not ready to know if they're ready -- and would rather stick to pubic than public for now.
Carrie and Larissa
Larissa is getting ready to spend the summer learning how to be a geisha, because this show can't stop creating situations in which she gets to discuss being obsessed with sex and/or sexual skill. Carrie is going to be the magazine's unpaid receptionist all summer, and Larissa offers to let her live in her loft while she's gone. Possibly with Walt. This scene is brought to you by the letters N and O, and the color yellow.
Carrie
However, if I'm not mistaken, Carrie's skirt is covered in cassettes, and I LOVE IT.
Miller and Dorrit
The Double Consonants are cuddling up on the couch when Carrie gets home, acting suspiciously cheerful and normal. This is because they are not alone.
Sebastian and Carrie
No, Sebastian has come over to talk. The Double Cs pop upstairs out of the way, and Kyddshaw decides to make up. Carrie tells Sebastian she loves him so much her heart hurts, he tells her that he loves her too, they kiss, they apologize to each other for their various shortcomings (overthinking; avoiding thinking) agree that they want to be together even if it gets complicated. It's very sweet and very mature, and don't get too attached because it's the season finale.
Dorrit and Miller
Meanwhile, Stefania Owen is so lovely. Also, it was established in a throwaway bit that Miller and Sebastian know each other from the last school Sebastian was kicked out of, and that Miller is OLDER than Carrie and Sebastian. I'M SO SURE. Also, Dorrit and Miller did NOT, in fact, have sex last week. She is ready, but he wants it to be special for her. That's very sweet, and yet again, this boy is total writer wish fulfillment, I think. Which is their prerogative. Everyone wants to create a character who is the embodiment of the person they wished they had in high school.
Mags and Carrie
I love Carrie's skirt and top here. But those platform sandals are totally now and not at ALL 80s, in my (admittedly sometimes flawed) estimation. Especially next to the socks and denim skirt on the left. That is some WOW right there.
Mags, Walt, Carrie
Please also note that Walt and Nolan -- the best characters on this show and Revenge, respectively -- share an affinity for wearing two collared shirts. Bless. Anyway, everyone is happy that Carrie and Sebastian are back together. But Maggie lets it slip that she loves how Sebastian always wants to protect Carrie, and Carrie senses this is rooted in a secret, so Maggie admits they caught Dadshaw on a date.
Sebastian
This is Sebastian's exact reaction to this reveal. Carrie is enraged that he didn't tell her something so important; he says he wanted to protect her because he knew she'd go off the rails. It blows up into an echo of their other breakups, where she hates that he drinks to drown his feelings and he has a hard time with her saying everything she's feeling, and she blurts out AGAIN that they should break up and then ends with saying that if her heart hurts from love then maybe it's not a healthy kind of love. So they're back off again. Kyddshaw: More ups and downs than the Alps.
Maggie
So Sebastian yells at Maggie, and thinks she blurted it out to sabotage things because she's jealous that somebody is happy. Maggie admits that, yeah, she feels like no one ever loves her the way she loves them, but that she would never hurt Carrie. And Sebastian THEN tries to make her feel better by telling her that Walt not loving her has nothing to do with HER, because he's clearly gay. BOOM. And Maggie charges off to the diner and RAGES at everyone about whether they all knew this about Walt. She calls him disgusting (in a homophobic way, which they don't deal with, really, so maybe it was meant to be that he was terrible for lying?). It's so sad. And sort of loud? Other people can clearly hear them and yet nobody seems fazed.
Mouse et al
Even Mouse seems unsurprised, and mostly annoyed that Maggie is being shouty in a neon shirt that makes it hard to ignore her on several levels. I'm not sure why Mouse is reacting to Maggie instead of to the information, as if it was all on the table already, along with the half-eaten waffle (or whatever) and eighteen glasses of liquid. Maybe she can't believe Maggie is being so hateful. But the real weirdness about this is that WALT is totally calm. He's upset that SHE is upset, but seemingly not at all bothered by the fact that Maggie just yelled out that he's gay and that she thinks he's gross now. WALT IS SENSITIVE. We know this. He got so defensive about Bennett thinking he was gay, he actually dropped the F slur onto him. Why is he so freaking mature all of a sudden?
Walt
Seriously, later, Carrie and Walt are getting ready to ditch Prom and go to a party at Larissa's, and Walt is all, "I'm not mad at Sebastian about this, so you shouldn't be either." THIS IS A MAN WHO SCREAMED 'FAG' AT ANOTHER GAY MAN. I know Walt is a fundamentally good person, but why does he have to be SO cool and well-adjusted about everything? That one thread of the Halloween episode was one of the show's strongest, because it was bold, and it showed Walt wrestling with and being afraid of his nature at a time when people weren't as chill about it. And since then, he's been cool about Maggie cheating on him, cool with telling Donna, cool with telling Carrie, and now cool about being publicly outed in a diner because Carrie's boyfriend guessed that he was gay and spread it like gospel. Walt was the show's most promising, complex, fascinating character, and although I love his warmth and goodness, I also feel like... that story is your gold, isn't it? So why the glossing?
Carrie
Carrie -- previously suspicious of how often Dadshaw goes to the gym wearing Drakkar Noir, and now aware that he was macking on some lady in a car -- tells her father that she doesn't want him spending so much time "at the gym" because he's choosing "the gym" over family dinners and she doesn't appreciate it and it's just "a gym" so what's the big deal anyway. Dadshaw is like, "Roger that."
Dorrit
Miller leads Dorrit into his garret, which is of course perfectly teen-boy-chic. He's decorated it with lit candles and rose petals for her first time, and she bursts into tears. He thinks it means she's not ready, but Dorrit says she's been numb since her mother died, and so that moment was the first time she'd felt anything -- much less a lot of everything -- since that day. It's a sweet moment, although the dialogue was a little rushed. At any rate, this means they take the fast train to Bootytown.
Miller
And the fact that Miller is doing this wooing in a t-shirt with the word "Maggots" on it -- regardless of whether it's a band (probably) or just that he's the shortstop on a really macabre baseball team -- just proves that he knows Dorrit very well.
Mouse and Eugene
Mouse's parent-approved pre-arranged prom date turns out to be a tween with braces named Eugene who is also a distant cousin. But he's done their family tree -- you know, for fun -- and knows they are ACTUALLY descended from peasant folk, so Mouse gets amusingly up in arms about obeying her parents her whole life to preserve the pure dynastic lineage when actually -- in her words -- SHE is the best thing ABOUT their lineage. Eugene, unlike Mouse's dress, is kind of awesome. He's like a younger boy Mouse. I want to hug him.
Walt and Bennett
Walt and Bennett toast his outing. Walt is TOTALLY RELAXED YET AGAIN about it all, even though... I mean, wouldn't he be paranoid about rumors, or his parents finding out, or... again, for a kid who screamed a slur at the man who tried to kiss him in episode five, this seems like quite a swing. I know we're sprinting through an entire school year here, but SIGH. WORDS. At least later, when Walt kisses Bennett, the latter tells him that he will be all OVER that... in a couple months, when Walt turns 18 and it's not illegal. ABC Family needs to break off a piece of that sanity.
Carrie and Larissa
We also need to discuss that Carrie's prom dress is totally a pink-tutu homage to the opening credits of HBO's Sex and the City. And much like that show, it is going to get soiled, although in this case it will be metaphorical mess. Anyway, Larissa and her typically sense-blind outfit -- perfectly loud for the '80s -- give Carrie a pep talk. And the thing is, you know Larissa drives me insane sometimes, but when they have her slow down and give pep talks, they are GOOD. She totally nailed it with Dadshaw, and here, she basically pokes a hole through Carrie's fears and nudges Carrie back toward Sebastian for all the right reasons. While someone in the background who is probably related to Balki and Cousin Larry tries to hold himself upright.
Sebastian and Maggie
BUT BOOM: THIS HAPPENS. Maggie shuffles into the same bar Sebastian is drinking in, and they toast and get drunk because they are hurt and alone. Maggie complains a lot about how no one loves her properly and her family thinks she's nothing and will always be nothing (which I thought they touched on really well in one episode, where we find out her dad isn't even planning for her to go to college, but then they just occasionally preached it but never developed it. which is a shame, because with some richer treatment of that self-esteem problem you'd really feel like Maggie was downtroddden and trampled by life, as opposed to a whiny drama queen, and then you'd be much more sympathetic to her). Then they have one of those "well, I'm not alone; you're here" moments and that leads to the insertion of tongues.
Kyddshaw
BUT LO: THIS ALSO HAPPENS. Because Carrie skulks back to Sebastian's house at... whatever hour (where is Maggie? Did he and Maggie sleep together? CONFUSION), and tells him YET AGAIN that she wants to be with him regardless of drama, and he says he needs to tell her something but she shushes him. NEVER SHUSH A BOY, CARRIE. Especially if said boy is someone you have been DYING to have talk to you about everything on his mind. SHUSHING IS THE DEVIL.
Bradydd
And Sebastian thoughtfully refuses to have sex with Carrie, claiming he wants it to be perfect (and with his guilty conscience, his O-face would be more of a... wait for it... OH NO face), so for tonight they should just hold each other. This leads to primo middle-distance brooding time.
Mouse and WTW
WTW is moping about not going to Prom (why didn't he just go with his bros?), but Mouse shows up, tells him she confessed all to her parents, then puts "Heaven" by Bryan Adams on the jukebox so they can dance, and YES. You guys, my romantic soul LOVED that song when I was a kid. (And probably also yesterday.) Seriously, I remember thinking at the time that some boy writing this about me would be the greatest thing in the world, and many of the fantasy music-video versions of my daydreams were scored to this (well, when I wasn't imagining being the girl in "Last Christmas," breaking George Michael's heart, because although she is clearly an asshole I apparently enjoyed pretending to be someone who was worth fighting/yearning over -- though I ALSO liked imagining I was the blonde who gets cheated on in "Careless Whisper," which I attribute that to an abiding interest in being cool enough to bring some dude to his knees with REGRET, even if said dude was a philanderer. I loved drama, and also, "pre-teen emotional logic" is basically a nonexistent concept).
Maggie
The next morning, Carrie is barely home from her cuddlecapade when Maggie bursts in, looking like the proverbial city bus who is going to splash fetid street-water all over Carrie's tutu.
Carrie
Carrie is HELLA PISSED. She really liked this dress and she did not WANT the dingy, stank puddle of Maggie's betrayal to stain the skirt. The show never actually says what Maggie and Sebastian did -- I wonder if that is a conscious choice just in case they get a second season, and it gives them leeway to choose what benefits them the most, story-wise -- but tonguing is still a betrayal. Maggie begs for forgiveness and blames her sad-sack life, but Carrie does not accept that, claiming Maggie isn't so much taking responsibility as making excuses for her choices. Which is true. But which, again, would resonate more if Maggie had been built this way from the get-go and been given a slow burn. Anyway, Carrie spits that she's a lousy friend, while displaying NONE of the bedhead that would be present in a girl with that hair who just spent the night at her boyfriend's house.
Sebastian
And Sebastian is trying to call Carrie and can't get her, so he smells a rat. I LOVE that his bedroom has a poster of a red sports car in it, by the way -- that is SO Every Teen Boy Ever, at least from back then.
Mouse and WTW
And this happens.
Maggie
And this, because Maggie is trying to medicate her shame with faux-intimacy again. The show kills me by setting Carrie's sadness, Maggie's self-degradation, and Mouse's triumph to Corey Hart's "Never Surrender," which is such a spectacular '80s song. Seriously, the last three songs in this show must have cost a fortune -- the third is "Cruel Summer."
Carrie
But before we get to summer, Carrie is pleased to see Dorrit super happy, and Dorrit is pleased to turn away Sebastian on Carrie's behalf when he comes to the door. Dorrit then says she's fine with Dadshaw dating, because it means he'll be out of their business. So Carrie puts on some overalls -- and in doing so, proves that they are a bad idea ALWAYS, unless you are a farmer, and I actually think even some farmers might have gotten very upset just then by that association -- and tells Dadshaw that it's okay if he wants to go to the gym, because she's sure it's a very nice gym, and she wants him to have a gym in his life -- but that she's not ready to see the gym herself yet. The great thing about all this couched talk is that Dadshaw totally HAS actually gotten down and dirty AT the gym.
Carrie and Walt
She ALSO asked for his permission to live at Larissa's for the summer with Walt, which he apparently eventually agreed to because here they are (Dadshaw was reassured MULTIPLE times, in vague terms, that Carrie and Walt would never start dating). So her big plan to save on commuting fees -- as her job is unpaid -- is mitigated by having to pay for groceries, plus all the takeout and clubs they'll be going to all summer. Math is maybe not her forte. But at least she LOOKS great.
Carrie
And we finish the season, but hopefully not the series, with a shot of Carrie smiling and trudging through the streets of the city in neon pumps and a horrible jacket and a big poofy dress the size of her smile. It's all very Sarah Jessica Parker, which... if the show is about this Carrie Bradshaw growing into that one, they kind of skipped A TON of steps, and maybe also started with her only about three spots on the board away from passing Go and collecting $200. But it was cute, and as I said, I'd like to see what they can do now that they've experimented with plot and tone and they know their actors better. So here's hoping this show lives longer than everyone's dismal low-heeled slingbacks. Seriously, they just COULD NOT RESIST fabbing Carrie up to modern heel heights.